


I dreamed a dream

by yoursaviourishere



Series: One day More [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Norse Religion & Lore, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Actress Loki, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Tower, Bucky Barnes Gets a Hug, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Needs A Hug, Evil Odin (Marvel), F/M, Female Loki (Marvel), Gen, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Les Misérables References, Loki & Bucky Barnes Friendship, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Myth!odin, Panic Attacks, Parent Bucky Barnes, Parent Loki (Marvel), Parent Tony Stark, Past Child Abuse, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, References to anxiety, Steve Rogers Feels, Tattoo Artist Bucky Barnes, Tony Stark Has A Heart, bucky and the winter soldier are two different personalities, disassociating, story time, tagging is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2020-08-10 04:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20129686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoursaviourishere/pseuds/yoursaviourishere
Summary: "Yeah Mister Stark, its chill." Peter says with a shrug that only frustrates Tony more. He snorts out a breath, running his hands through his hair and whisper shouts, looking at the weirdly buff dude that seems oddly familiar from somewhere unsure where... and hisses. "What is going on? I just helped a little girl with really really cool skin and pretty eyes find her mummy.. Who turns out to be Fantine from that fu----orking awesome play! Who has three kids that I know are hers... And now I find you, my intern with a scary buff dude that kinda looks like white jesus with two other kids and I am so confused!!!"~~~~~Loki dies after Thor: the Dark World and Hela, the goddess of death, gives him the ability to come back and live on midgard with his children who were imprisoned by Odin throughout the Nine Realms. She goes to Midgard and becomes a Broadway actress and continues to live a domestic life after finding Bucky Barnes and bringing him in. One day, at the opening night of Loki's play, Les Miserable, Tony Stark finds them and things change...maybe for the better?





	1. I dreamed a dream

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! This is a fic I have been working on for a while and I hope you enjoy it :)

But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are storms we cannot weather  
I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed  
Now life has killed the dream  
I dreamed

Tony Stark finds Broadway so utterly dull.... The singing and dancing is so consistent, it's like every fucking sentence, that it makes the show all blur together and the way Shakespeare uses no proper grammar and sounds literally foreign gives him a migraine. Not to mention the fact that the story line is usually very expected, no plot twists and so simple. 

But he finds himself sitting in the theater regardless. Why? 

Oh, because he had to create another scandal while drunk off his ass in Las Vegas that Pepper had to clean up. As always. But because he wants to treat her nice before she finally decides to just up and quit and leave his sorry ass, he took her to broadway. And seeing her eyes a lit with wonder and excitement is worth the headache. 

Yes their relationship went down the drain, quite quickly he may add and shockingly it didn't end as disastrously than he thought it would. Pepper isn't too hurt, and he honestly wasn't surprised and has been hiding the ache behind jokes and scotch. Coping mechanisms!! And they both stayed close friends. 

She wants normal. A normal life, one that sits a top of being a good CEO and maybe one day a good mom. But to someone normal. Not Tony Stark. Iron man. Not iron man. 

So yes, he will suffer for a couple hours for her because she suffers daily putting up with him. Love you, pep! 

So here they are, Pepper dressed in a fine blue silk dress and pearl earrings, grinning from ear to ear and fidgeting in her seat in anticipation. He smiles warmly at her, despite the uncomfortable seating and the fact he is in a penguin suit. 

"Tony!! Thank you for this and I mean it!!" She exclaims, touching his arm with giddiness. He nods his head in acceptance and places on his best lopsided grin. "Les Miserable is the most beautiful musical I have ever watched, it constantly brings tears to my eyes and to see them live!! Thank you!" 

"Anything for you, pep. Especially after Las Vegas." He coughs and she rolls her eyes in irritation but lights up once again when the lights in the theatre dim and the orchestra echoes their song throughout the theater. 

Tony sighs, sagging into his seat and preparing himself for a long two hours of suffering.... 

Only for the suffering to not come...? 

A woman comes on stage after a couple songs that were quite tiresome and boring, and demands the stage with just her presence and he is close to falling for her fucking spell. Tony leans forward in his seat, his big amber eyes wide in wonder of the woman and her voice! Her accent is silky and deep, not exactly british but not Scottish either. Maybe Scandinavian? 

But also...familiar... but he doesn't know from where..

Anyways as she sings, her voice echoes over the orchestra and awakens the theatre. And as her voice lowers to notes most women couldn't even dream to sing, people lean forward in anticipation and awe.  
Now... as her voice is glorious and the sound of a damned goddess; She is beautiful, captivating and almost mysterious. Long silky raven hair falls in curls down her back and her narrow snow white face is gorgeous and almost flawless. Thick expressive eyebrows make her song all the more powerful as her plump red lips widen in song. She is lean and yet curvaceous. Gorgeous. 

Her story is dark and tragic and his heart aches with each downfall she faces. And when the woman that goes by Fantine stands on stage, awash with emotion and utter pain as she utters so softly yet the whisper is all the more powerful. Words pouring from her lips and it almost looks as if she is experiencing and understanding every word. 

"And it all went wrong..." 

Damn, he felt that. 

"I dreamed a dream of time gone by! Where hope was high and life worth living!!" 

"I dreamed that love would never die..." Her voice cracks as she whispers. "I dreamed that god would be forgiving." Bitterness awash on her face as her shoulders fall and more lyrics pour from her lips, hiccups and cries in between. 

His eyes begin watering and Tony hisses at himself, willing himself to not cry. 

"AS they tear your hope apart... AS they turn your dream to shame." 

Starks are men of iron. 

Starks are men of iron. 

"He took my childhood in his stride!!!!" 

She narrowly screams and a single tear falls stubbornly, as his heart falls. Holy shit. Holy shit... 

She hiccups and cries out, singing with everything she possibly has. Demanding the stage and yet so vulnerable he feels as though he should look away, feeling like an intruder on something more than simply a song. But he is too captivated, too damned moved to take his eyes away from her face. 

"But their are dreams that cannot be..." 

"I had a dream my life would be... SO DIFFERENT FROM THIS HELL I AM LIVING!!!"  
He takes in a breath as more tears leave his eyes, his heart beating fast and dangerously. 

"So now life has killed the dream..... 

I dream."

But as the last words leave her lips, the audience screams in applause pulls him out of the emotional roller coaster that makes him close to nauseous, He stands along with pepper and claps with all he has. Tony Looks over at pepper, her eyes filled with tears and he can't help but pull her into a side hug. Wishing he could scoop up Fantine up in a bear hug, hissing that everything will be okay. But ha.. Thats ridiculous...

After her song and when she passes And as the play continues and as the story line progresses, Tony realizes he is falling into a deep rabbit hole that is les miserable. The story is so deep and emotional yet interesting and thick with plot. He thought he wouldnt enjoy it anymore since she died so soon, but Tony finds himself enjoying it even when she isn't. He finally understands why Pepper loves Les Mis... But she will never know. He cannot have her holding that over his head no way. 

And when she comes back on stage later, as a ghost, he's amazed and heartbroken and this story is unbelievable. How the fuck did it take him so long to watch it? He needs to see the film now. Especially since Pepper noticed him wiping away tears and applauding just as loud, dammit. 

She whispers into his ear, "Worth taking me to broadway?" 

He chokes out a laugh and says in false irritation, "You will hold this over my head, won't you?" 

Pepper laughs, nodding as the theatre begins to take their seats once again to finish the rest of the badass musical that is thick in the midst of the fucking french revolution! Stupid actresses, making him enjoy this bullshit. 

~~~~~~~

After the musical finished and everyone exited the theatre and made their way to the main entrance and to the mini bar, Tony and pepper talked animatedly about the play. Exchanging quip for quip as they order drinks respectfully. Just enjoying the high of watching such a captivating performance and one another's company when a small girl with odd black and white hair and big teary mismatched eyes of red and blue cry out for her mummy. 

Tony frowns as Pepper doesn't notice what captured his attention and only continued her conversation with a friend that greeted her after the play. With Pepper's attention elsewhere and no one else paying the distressed child attention, Tony looks down at his glass of scotch and places it down on the counter, leaving a bill to pay for the drink before wandering over to the child. 

"Mama!!" She cries out and then falls over on her bottom, crying. Tony kneels down beside her and gives her a warm soft smile, handing her a handkerchief from his pocket. She looks up at him with the cutest pout on her plump lips and big big curious eyes as an oddly iridescent hand takes the hanky and wipes her eyes. 

"Are you lost, sweetie?" Tony asks, softly. She bobs her head and Tony has never been more curious about a very cute child with some sort of skin... something. Her skin is nearly transparent and iridescent on one side of her body, the side with the big beautiful red eye and the long white hair. She is adorable. "Okay, what's your name, sweetie? I am Tony and Ill help you find your mum, okay?" 

She nods once again, wiping her eyes before whispering in a soft voice, "Hela..." 

"Nice to meet you, Hela." He nods, slowly standing up and helping her up off the ground as well. He went to hold her small pale hand when instead she wrapped her body around his leg, sniffling. Tony chuckles and pulls her off and into his arms. She sits in a place on his hip, her head buried into his shoulder as she whimpers softly. "Okay what does your mommy look like?" 

She hiccups and says slowly in a shockingly accented voice. "Long pretty black hair... gween eyes and--and very very pretty..." 

"Pretty huh?" Tony says and she nods against his shoulder. Tony begins making his way through the crowd, people often giving the infamous iron man funny looks for carrying a small child. (don't blame them.. It is a weird sight...) and maneuvering out of the way for him. He continues his search, asking Hela if she sees her mom or pointing out anyone remotely resembling her very vague description. She would always shake her head or give the person he pointed out an adorable grimace as if to say 'Tony she isn't even pretty! My mom is pretty!' He sometimes couldn't help but laugh. 

As they make their rounds, suddenly a cry comes from across the room and a woman holding a two year old hurries over, exclaiming her thanks and relief. Tony finds her familiar, in a floor length strapless green silk dress with golden jewelry adorning her body, she reaches for Hela. Brushing her hair away from her face. "Thank you, thank you so much!" 

"Anytime." Tony laughs breathlessly, as she hands the two year old to young man with silver hair braided away from his face with light forest green eyes. He cradles the toddler in his arms as The woman takes Hela, kissing her cheek. She giggles and throws her arms around her mother's neck, hugging tightly. "Mummy!!" 

"Oh my little love, why did you run off? You had me worried sick, darling!" The woman cries, hugging her daughter close as if she will disappear right before her and Tony tries to ignore the tug on his heart. Her bright emerald eyes latch onto his own amber ones and she smiles softly. "Thank you for taking care of her... I am Lorna Silver." 

"Oh! Um, Tony Stark." She holds out her free hand and he shakes her firm yet soft grip. And he finally recognizes her. "You did remarkable, it blew me away. Huh, Hela? Did your mom do amazing? I sure think so." 

Hela giggles, nodding before belting out a lyric. Lorna's face heats up and Tony can't help but grin, the silver haired teenager snickers as well. "Takes after her mother." 

A beat passes, Lorna not leaving his gaze as she smiles warmly. "Thank you again, Mister Stark." 

"Anytime... Hela is a cutie, a little pretty princess!" He touches her nose and her face scrunches up as she giggles. Lorna looks away, her pale cheeks red as her gaze catches the teenagers. He holds a smirk on his lips as a fine eyebrow raises at Lorna. She looks back at Tony and sighs shaking her head. "I apologize, This is my eldest son Stefan and my youngest son Nathan." 

"Nice to meet you." Tony says shaking Stephen's hand. 

"You can call me Stef." He says nodding with a cheeky grin. Tony nods and says, "Than call me Tony." 

Nathan has thick silver hair as well as his brother, with droopy green eyes and the cutest pout as he is dressed in a tiny little tuxedo. Tony ruffles his hair and he snorts, making Hela giggle. Tony looks back at Lorna and says, "You have a beautiful family. I've never seen such distinct silver hair before." 

Lorna purses her plump red lips and when she is about to explain genetics, A buff man with shoulder length brown hair and a dimple in his chin comes forward, holding a blue haired boy with dark dark green eyes that seems to be the same age as Hela. The man has tattoos crawling up his neck, a red rose sits below his jawline and along the sharp bone is Russian lettering. Tattoos peak out from under the sleeves of his wrists as well but Tony can't make much of a distinction and a glove on his left. Prosthetic maybe? And beside him a young teenager holding another child, this time with thick black hair like Lorna's and mischievous poison green eyes. 

"Mister Stark!!" 

Tony's lips gape as the teenager turns his head to reveal Peter Parker. 

"Peter?? What the hell are you doing here?! Holding a kid..? I'm confused" Tony shouts out making Stefan, Peter and even little nathan shush him. Lorna glares at her kids and then smiles respectfully at Tony, saying in a smooth calm voice, "Mister Stark, I'd advise you to calm down. You are drawing a crowd." 

"Yeah Mister Stark, its chill." Peter says with a shrug that only frustrates Tony more. He snorts out a breath, running his hands through his hair and whisper shouts, looking at the weirdly buff dude that seems oddly familiar from somewhere unsure where... and hisses. "What is going on? I just helped a little girl with really really cool skin and pretty eyes find her mummy.. Who turns out to be Fantine from that fu----orking awesome play! Who has three kids that I know are hers... And now I find you, my intern with a scary buff dude that kinda looks like white Jesus with two other kids and I am so confused!!!" 

It is silent for a moment, as Tony huffs out ragged breaths before Peter begins giggling along with the little ones and even Stefan---oh my god white jesus is laughing too and Lorna looks close to losing her composure! And ugh they are laughing at him!! 

"Why are you laughing at me?!" He whisper shouts again, causing Hela to laugh and poke his nose, he jerks back and wrinkles his nose before sneezing. Sending everyone even Lorna into a fit of laughter. Tony just stands there, completely dumbfounded. He gapes as if to say something before sagging and ignoring the heat in his cheeks stubbornly. "Stop laughing..." 

Lorna snorts and steps forward sighing softly, "Come along, Mister Stark. Let us treat you to dinner. Yes?" 

Tony blinks, jolts and finally gives in, "Ugh fine. Yeah sure." He points to Peter and glares, "You got some explaining to do, kid!" 

"Yeah yeah okay mister stark!" He says quickly in a high pitched tone that makes blueberry giggle. He sighs, pulling out his phone, sending a quick text to Pepper. He then looks up at this unconventional family and asks, "Chinese?"


	2. In case you don't live forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter tells his story of how he gained a rather unconventional family to Tony and how thankful he has been since.

"I, I've carried this song in my mind  
Listen, it's echoing in me  
But I haven't helped you to hear it  
We, we've only got so much time  
I'm pretty sure it would kill me  
If you didn't know the pieces of me are pieces of you

I've waited way too long to say  
Everything you mean to me...."

~~~~~~

Loki didn't expect to meet the Man of Iron at her opening night play, no she expected the avengers to be far away from her, her job and her family. But instead the insufferable hero from her past finds Hela and brings her to Loki. It doesn't help that Peter, her adopted son that is also spider man, met his mentor here. They were trying to keep Peter's adoption on the down low, so no one--especially the avengers find one of their own apart of the family of two of The governments most wanted. But now that Tony knows, and she can't possibly keep the secret. The damned man is too smart and he will most likely have his computer use facial recognition on not only Her but James as well. Her shapeshifting skills can go so far... Her female form looks like Loki, except female and most likely Stark will put two and two together. Also she has read the damned myths and they are partially correct in some cases and Stark is smart! It won't be hard to piece together! 

And well, James' face is literally in a museum, and the Captain is looking for him. His best friend that is completely different than Bucky.. Hell the man prefers to go by James now than Bucky. He is different than who he was in the 40s. That is why James has been staying with them, the children love him and he plays a major role in this family. Yes Loki and James play as a married couple but really they just have a really good platonic relationship. It works and now Loki fears everything will fall apart because of this damned genius. 

They bring Mister Stark back to their home, leading him to the dining room as James orders chinese for everyone. The children take their seats, Hela glued to Stark's side and Peter trying to avoid him as much as possible. Loki huffs, her breath pushing her black hair from her face as she takes her seat next to Mister Stark, James place next to her. As they wait for the food to arrive, Stark glares at Peter, her adopted son ducking his head and falsely conversing with Sleipnir. So to ease the tension, Loki smiles at Tony, putting her charm on full force and says softly, "You must have questions. Especially since my son is your intern." 

"Well duh." Tony deadpans and huffs out, "Pete, when I found out you were adopted after aunt may died, I did research. Sorta. It didn't say much only that your new family is the Silvers. You assured me that your family is great and that your friend's mom adopted you and not going to lie, but it drove me insane with your short, half truth answers. So now, explain, kid." 

"Introductions first?" Loki says and Tony looks over at her before tersely nodding. 

She smiles, "my children go by different names here at home. Nathan is Narfi as Stefan is Sleipnir. My daughter just goes by Hela. Jormungandr...Jory for short. Fen's full name is Fenrir." 

Tony nods, smiling at the kids. He quirks a brow at Loki. "Norse fans?"

She smirks with a low chuckle, "you can say that." 

"And all of them...are yours?" 

She nods. 

"Huh." He states dumbly, "how old are you?" 

Loki laughs at that and James quirks a smile as Peter chuckles with a hand covering his face. Tony gives him a look that says get talking.

Peter gulps and Nathan crawls into his lap. Peter smiles down at his brother and sighs, giving a look at Loki for permission. Loki sends a thought into his head saying in her calm levelled voice. 'Start from the beginning, love... Take it slow...' 

Peter nods his head and stares at his mentor he raves about with determined brown eyes. "Okay, Mister Stark, Okay..." 

~~~~~~~~~~

One year ago...

Peter was terrified, horrified and.... Heartbroken. 

He has no one left... no one left... 

Mom and dad are gone..   
Uncle ben dead.. 

And now... aunt may.. 

From a car crash of all things. How...why.. Why is this his life..? What has he done to deserve this horror?

Peter blinks, a tear falling down his cheek as a loud shaky breath leaves his lips, his head in his hands. The cold seeping into his jeans as he sits on the steps outside of their old apartment.. The one he will never be able to call home again... Why is this his life..? 

A hand touches his shoulder, and a presence sits next to him on the curb. But Peter doesn't pay the person mind, to focused on his grief and... fear. Where will he go? He is an orphan..Seventeen and no one will adopt a kid so old. With so many problems. With so many problems... He will be trapped, alone.. Probably placed in foster care and no freedom or ability to be spiderman anymore. Hell, will he ever see Mister Stark again? What will Mister Stark even say? He wouldn't adopt him... no.. no one will adopt him.. And when he turns eighteen and kicked out of the foster home he is placed in, he will be homeless. 

"Peter... breath..." A steady voice speaks through the haze of darkness and fog. He jerks, a breath choked out of his lungs as a hand anchors him to now. He breathes out again, the voice speaking calmly through the haze and pain of grief and fear. A hand guiding his breathes, his lungs moving with the steady hand against his back. 

And as the haze shifts and the pain disappears... 

Peter looks up at Stefan through blurry eyes. 

His silver haired friend, with the thick scandinavian accent and clumsy movements and the most brilliant mind he's ever witnessed sits there in the cold on a curb. Peter met Stefan on his first day of grade twelve. He was being bullied by Flash (shocker) about his white silvery long hair, nicknamed Elsa or Rapunzel. Kids would mock him as he walks down the halls, some singing let it go and other shouting out, "Rapunzel! Rapunzel!! Let down your hair!!" So MJ, Ned and Peter all took him under their wing, Stefan joined the decathlon team and became a welcoming presence in their group. 

Sometimes they'd all even hang out at his home, his mother is so nice and she would always encourage MJ to audition for plays and rehearse scenes with her. Sometimes She'd even make them all cookies or cupcakes. Sometimes she'd even let them stay for dinner. She's great. And Stefan's little brothers and sister are amazing and so adorable. Hela would always give him flowers she made out of paper and Nathan would jump on his lap and never leave his place there, trapping Peter under his weight. He is like a cat that way. Now Jory and Fen are quiet but like to roughhouse. Jory stealthy and quiet while Fen rough and likes growling and yelling. So Peter and Ned would play superhero with them and play around but they are actually quite soft and sweet. 

And Stefan's dad, James Silver is awesome! He is buff and has a metal arm, he is quiet but always would get extremely protective of even Peter, Ned and MJ whenever they are bullied. James hates Flash just for that fact. James though has a familiar face, he reminds Peter of someone he knows but he can't put his finger on it. He noticed it the first day he came over to Stef's house to help fix his dad's prosthetic. It was really messed up but nothing he couldn't handle, especially with his time in the lab with Mister Stark. Peter babbled a lot about Mister Stark and his robots to James and he seemed insanely intrigued. Fascinated by science, just like Peter was.

But anyways, Stefan is great. 

His entire family is great, really. 

"It's okay, Peter." Stefan says with a reassuring smile. 

Peter grimaces, ducking his head and curling into himself. "I-I am alone, Stef..." 

"No you are not.." 

"Yes I am!" Peter shouts, his voice cracking. "Everyone keeps dying, it's like I am cursed. First my parents, than uncle ben was shot and now... now Aunt may died from a car crash... It's so unfair...so unfair..." 

"I know, Peter. And I will be here for you, every step of the way." Stefan assures and Peter looks over at his friend wearily. But those deep forest eyes are completely sincere. Stef stands up than, holding his hand out and Peter takes it with a sigh. "Come on, mother is making your favourite for dinner." 

"Chilli?" Peter says, his eyebrows drawn together. Stef flashes a bright smile that makes the darkness snuff out even a tiny bit as he nods his head. Peter smiles genuinely for the first time in a week and follows Stef back to his home. Secretly, Peter has always been envious of Stefan's home. It is big yet warm and well lived in. Busy and loving. With seven people living in the home and often times you are rarely alone. He has two loving parents with good jobs that pay well and brothers and a sister that are so kind and so soft. But he is just happy and lucky to be allowed into that space, that family. And he is never ever treated rudely or treated as if he doesn't deserve to be in there. 

So staring up at the two story home with a forest green door and white roses planted delicately in the garden in front of the open bay window with black curtains, makes his heart warm. The white roof with black brick walls and the balcony overlooking the front yard, he smiles once again at the sight as Stefan steps up towards the door and unlocks it. Peter enters after Stefan and breaths in the smell of peppermint and frost. Reminding him faintly of christmas when he was young and his parents were among the living, a bittersweet feeling washes over him but he tries to enjoy the familiarity and the link to his childhood as best he can. 

Stefan places his long black coat that kinda reminds him of Sherlock Holmes on the ornate coat rack filled with leather jackets, tiny colourful winter coats and they take off their shoes, lining them up among the glittery slippers, the black loafers, the runners and the high heels. After, they step down the hall and into the living room were Jory and Fen are sword fighting with pool noodles in front of the tv while the screen keeps playing 'A Knight's Tale', Hela dancing in her pretty blue dress with purple flowers, singing with Nathan who is holding onto her arms to stay standing. When Fen sees them, he drops his pool noodle and shouts in excitement, nearly knocking Peter over from his rough hug and soon after squeals of joy surround the air and he is toppling to the ground, with four little ones climbing him. Hela boops his nose before curling her head into his neck as Nathan fists his shirt in his hands and babbles out, "Pe'er!!" 

"Hey guys." He laughs, hugging jory with his free hand and kissing Hela's mussed up black and white hair. 

"And what about my hug?" Stefan demands, placing his hands on his hips. They laugh and Hela cries out, "Sorry Sleipy!!" 

He was about to question the name choice but instead smiles fondly at the sight of all the little Silvers attacking Stef. Fen jumping up and wrapping his legs around his waist and growls, "Brother!!" 

Jory curls around Stef's leg and doesn't let go as Hela kisses his hand that is in her own. Nathan curling around his other leg and began babbling complete nonsense. Enjoying the adorable scene, he doesn't notice Lorna coming to Peter until she has her arms around him, kissing his head and Peter sinks into her warm embrace. Tears threaten to spill as he breathes in her scent of vanilla and peppermint, shoving his face into her neck. He misses his family and it hurts knowing this will be the closest he will ever get. And Peter has to hold back a sob as she begins rubbing his back and whispering, "I am so sorry, Peter.. I am so sorry..." 

And then he is engulfed all around by different children all saying, "Its okay Petey!!" "Don't cry, It's okay!!" "Mummy will make you hot cocoa! That always makes me feel better!" 

He has never been more thankful for anything in his entire life. 

Later that day, the Silver family including Peter are all curled up on the couch, watching Lady and the Tramp, bellies full of chilli and scones. All nursing various colourful mugs of hot cocoa and chocolate chip cookies with Hela curled up in his lap, blankets and pillows providing warmth and Lorna holding his hand. He has never felt more at home... in a very very long time... 

So a couple weeks pass and Peter has been sleeping on an air mattress in Sleipnir's room, Nathan not leaving his side and sleeping in his arms at night. Lorna and James dealing with social workers for peter and helping set up the funeral for Aunt May, James also would sit with him on the balcony and they would sit in silence when he wants to be alone but not really. And Lorna would provide the warm motherly love that he needs when he has nightmares or when he chokes up seeing something that reminds him of his family past. MJ and Ned would visit, Stephen would setup movie night, providing popcorn, cookies Lorna made and homemade lemonade and hot cocoa. Pizza boxes finished off as MJ and Ned would argue about what movie to watch next. Star Wars always demanded and Les Miserable always on the list. 

He has never had so much support in his life. 

So one day when he decides to go be spiderman, deciding to skip one day of school to just breathe and help others, he is about to swing onto the next building when he finds Lorna standing there, all smug with her arms crossed over her green leather clad chest and her big tall boots making her all the more intimidating. 

"Lorna! What--wait I don't know you! Who are you? Ma'am you really shouldn't be on the roof of this building, it is dangerous!" He says in a deeper voice, awkwardly standing with his hands on his hips. Lorna's smirk widens as she lets out a breath, stepping forward and gesturing, "Sit with me, Peter." 

"Who's Pete--okay I give up." Peter's shoulders sag and he sits down on the edge of the building, Lorna taking a seat next to him and placing her purse down beside her. She smiles softly at him as she flicks her hair over her shoulder. Peter takes off his mask, his hair mussed up as he looks over at her nervously. "How long did you know?" 

"Hmm, since I met you." 

He looks at her dumbfounded and she laughs, "Peter, I make sure I know all, especially everything there is to know about people who are involved with my children... and you aren't exactly subtle." She winks at him and he looks away in embarrassment. 

He crosses his arms over his chest, he scowls and hisses out, "That is what MJ said."

"She is a smart girl." Lorna smiles and brushes Peter's hair away from his honey eyes. "Darling, I know times have been rather difficult for you and you are trapped within the unknown but James and I have been talking and---" 

"Oh god... Okay I'll leave tonight, Im so sorry for being such a bother.. I get it busy household and all..I'll just get out of your hair, thanks for---" Peter hurriedly assures beginning to stand until Lorna tugs him down into her side and smiles with abundantly clear assurance. 

"No, Peter, you silly boy." She laughs, shaking her head. "We want to adopt you." 

Peter blinks, looking down at the landscape below, widens his eyes, opens his mouth and as no words leave his lips, Lorna kisses his cheek. "It is okay, Peter. Take your time to process this, I assume it is rather overwhelming however I have much else to discuss with you before you would accept us as your family." 

Okay Peter focus on that.. Instead of the dream and unrealistic fact that you will have a family again, a mom and a dad and a home and-and how it is too good to be true. And he wonders if he blinks enough or punches his arm , he will awaken from this bittersweet dream. So he focuses on the more realistic and reality of what Lorna wants to discuss with him before they adopt him. Maybe she has ground rules... Maybe she wants him to give up spiderman or-or something... 

Stuttering out as he fiddles with his mask, "What do you want to talk about?" 

"WEll Peter... There are things Stef and I have not told you and for you to be welcomed into this family...officially we believe, well James insists, that we tell you before you accept. For you may change your mind after what you shall hear of." Lorna explains hesitantly and wearily. Her eyes are suddenly guarded adn her back straight as if waiting for Peter to balk in disgust or throw her off the building which is entirely not the case. It is kinda--creepy? No.. weird? Not a good word for it... No it is kinda concerning. Concerning that she expects him to deny such a happy and perfect family. As if he would rather be homeless than live with Lorna and james. 

"Why would I not want you to adopt me? I miss my family... I do..aunt may, uncle ben.. My parents.. They are gone and I feel accepted and dare I say.. Loved with you and your amazing family! I never expected this after aunt may..But no instead I get love... Why would I deny you?" 

She looks away and his smile fades away. 

"Peter... We--I--my family are not... human..." 

"Not human?" he asks slowly, narrowing his eyes. 

"Yes..." Lorna sighs and suddenly a vibrant green mist covers her skin in a swirl of sparkles and light that makes Peter jolt in his spot, yelling out, "Woah!! Holy shit, Lorna??" 

In Lorna's place sits a man--well a male version of Lorna. Her curves are gone and is left with slim and skinny boney muscle underneath leathers and furs of green and black that remind Peter of viking attire. Her skin is just as pale and her cheek bones are still sharp and her eyes are the same emerald green. But over her now short black curly hair sits golden horns. Peter's eyes widen and Lorna--no someone else.. Says with an awkward smirk, "Call me Loki."

~~~~~~

"In case you don't live forever, let me tell you now  
I love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around  
In case you don't live forever, let me tell you the truth  
I'm everything that I am because of you

I have a hero whenever I need one  
I just look up to you and I see one  
I'm a man 'cause you taught me to be one..."

~Ben Platt


	3. No one is Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter continues his story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading my fic! I hope you are enjoying it! I have been writing this story for quite some time and I just love it, its my baby!! So I hope you enjoy chapter 3!

"Wait—wait WAIT! You are Loki?!??!??!" Tony yells out, amber eyes wide and frightened, staring at the gorgeous woman that sang a song that fucked with his emotions and mothers five children including his intern. Which what??

Nathan cries out than and Lorna/Loki stands with a sigh, Peter hands Nathan to her and she begins bouncing him, cooing softly as James looks at her with a worried frown. He has his hands clenched on the table as he looks to be in defence of Loki. Of Loki! Not him or the kids or what is going on?!

"May I continue the story, Mister Stark?" Peter asks meekly. Tony groans out, running his hands through his hair before nodding. "Fine fine, whatever okay. But for the record..."

"Hmm?" Peter looks up nervously and Mister Stark gives him a sad grieving smile, "I would have adopted you."

Peters eyes widen comically and he breaths in harshly as tears gather in his eyes. Loki gives him a soft tender smile and James just grins, "told you."

Peter chuckles, nodding with a sigh. He looks up at Mister St—Tony with a huge grin. "Then could I continue?"

Tony laughs, waving his hand for him to continue and he has never felt more at home.

Peter smiles determined, nodding his head and continues.

~~~~~

"Loki? As in Norse God of Mischief? As in Thor's brother? As in the mad man that levelled New York? That guy??" Peter asks with a new sense of alarm but what was odd is that his spider senses weren't going crazy. Actually he felt calm..like he did in Lorna's presence before he found out. But he guesses that makes sense considering they are the same person. "I thought you died? Mister Stark said you did....it apparently made Thor really sad."

Loki lip twitches up and says with such softness and delicacy. "Yes to all your questions, Peter. I am the Norse god of mischief, I am Thor's adopted brother and I did as you put it 'level New York'—however there is more than what meets the eye with that tale.. and I did die."

"You died?" Peter says in horror, his eyes wide.

Loki nods, "it was oddly a good thing that had happened...I was in Helheim, the realm of the dead, where the Lady death recedes acting as godmother of my daughter Hela....Lady Death brought me back along with my daughter and gave me the means to give my children a home and away out of their confines."

Peter furrows his brow and considers what she said for a moment before nodding, "and-and James?"

Loki smiles and says, "what do you know of the winter soldier?"

"Uh—" Peter stutters, completely confused and Loki continues, "well I'd hope you know your history of captain america quite well."

"Of course!"

"Good," Loki says softly and begins, "James is Bucky Barnes. He was captain America's best friend and most believe he died in the 40s after falling from a train....instead he got captured by a Nazi organisation, Hydra...."

"Oh my god, Loki...is is he okay?" Peter asks, suddenly very concerned for James. The man is nice, quiet and broody but well it makes sense now! But why is he with Loki and not Captain America?

"..He is healing...Hydra brainwashed him for 70 years, and left him in ice; only taking him out if they needed the man to do missions..." Loki lets out a shuddering breath. She looks horrified and Peter bets he does as well... 70 years? 70 years!

"He regained a sense of self after project insight, you know what that was correct?"

"Yes it was a huge scary as hell thing...our school went on lock down when news came of what is going down. Just you know percussion considering they were planning on killing.." gulp. "Millions."

Loki brushes her hand through his hair comforting and Peter finds himself surprised to lean onto her shoulder and finding a sense of warmth even if she is really Loki. Because well...Loki is still Lorna...she still took him in. Hell she wants to adopt him! His spider senses would have been going crazy during the two weeks inside their home. Instead he was calm and felt safe.

Despite the fact, secretly an alien super villain and super soldier assassin that worked(was a puppet) for Hydra—( The organisation that kids were scared of while learning about it in history. And some would even have nightmares knowing the horrors they did)—were playing house. With five other children.

"We found and took in James after the helicarrier incident. He stayed, he wanted to regain his memories, find safety and a sense of self before seeing Captain Rogers. Whether or not he will still do so is up to him...but he is welcome in our home, as are you." Loki explains softly with a pleasant smile.

"Wait does that mean you and Bucky...?"

Loki laughs, her head thrown back as she shakes her head, "no, dear. James and Is relationship is completely platonic. We thought it'd be safer to pose as a married couple."

"Huh.. That is actually quite smart." Peter laughs. Loki nods in agreement and suddenly a wave of vulnerability he never witnessed Lorna or Loki ever possess wash over them both as Loki's voice lowers an octave. "No one is alone.. Even people who make mistakes and mistakes are okay I am learning... I know it wouldn't be wise to trust me and that you are foolish to believe I am good... But I want you to..." His voice cracks and he turns his head away before breathing in a gust of air and says in finality. "To know that you are not alone and you are welcome to join our dysfunctional magical family. If you would have us, Peter."

Peter sits there in silence for a tense moment, considering his options and what he should do. And he finds himself yearning for the family he always envied. The family that welcomed him in at his worst. The family that is just as broken as Peter, maybe even more so. Peter sees the way Nathan curls around him and tightens his grip on his shirt as if he is afraid he will be torn away. He sees the vulnerability in Hela's eyes whenever she goes out in public and the way she hides her face under her hair. He has seen Lorna--no Loki comfort James on the couch in the middle of the night when Peter went downstairs to grab water. He looked so afraid and terrified and Loki just looked so caring yet deep down Peter can see the same pain in Loki's eyes that James holds. One that has see real nightmares. Peter has seen the way Stefan would mumble and trip over his words, some days even only capable of answering one syllable replies. The way Fen and Jory would get into fights only to fall into a fit of tears a minute later.

And that is when peter realises, that this home... That wants him... everything that makes him.. Peter.. Spiderman. His grief and depression. His anxiety and his overwhelming sadness. His over excitement and his nerdy fanboy ways. Just as they are all hoping Peter will accept them for everything that makes their identity. Their roots as basically aliens. Their obvious PTSD, depression and fears. Their magic (though Peter is very excited to see) and most of all their love.

He looks at Loki and takes his hand and nods. "I'd like that..Loki."

And Loki gives him the most happiest grin he has ever seen.

~~~~~~~~~

They all sit in silence after Peter finishes his story, Tony looking stricken with a mix of emotions as he stares at the table. And Loki looks just as emotional, he knows he is emotional. Peter didn't leave out many details and Loki didn't realise how important that conversation on the roof with Peter was. How he realised he was welcome because Loki accepted him and in return accepted his family as who they are. James grabs hold of her hand and She smiles at him, James giving her a reassuring look of understanding. The Story was just as meaningful to James as it was to Loki. Hel, the children probably sees Peter in a different light now, knowing that Peter loves them even with their....as Odin would say 'monstrous qualities'.

She looks around at Fen, who looks stricken with emotions and unsure what to do about it. His hands twiddling with the rubix cube he always keeps with him to help with his fidgeting. Hela is brushing Jory's turquoise hair with her fingers, her expression soft and very happy. Jory looks comfortable and warm, leaning into Hela's touch. Narfi curls around Peter tighter and Sleipnir looks like he is trying not to cry.

And Loki has never been more happy to be on Midgard with her family. Because all she ever wanted was for her children to feel accepted, loved. And that is what they have. It better last and if Stark ruins it, he will rue the day he ever ran into Loki at the Broadway theatre.

"Okay.. okay." Tony sits up and everyone tenses, even Peter looks scared. Of his mentor. Damn. "I need a drink."

Everyone looks at him startled, only for Peter to laugh and shake his head, "We don't have alcohol here."

Tony looks utterly smug as he pulls out a flask from his jacket, James narrows his eyes at him and Peter looks abashed. Loki only shakes her head and laughs, then the doorbell rings and Tony goes to the door to pay for the Chinese. When he returns the house is a blur with chaos and happiness. Everyone helping one another plate their food, Jory flinging a noodle at Fen who growls, James catches it in time and gives them both a look that makes them return to eating. Hela is giddy and telling a story to Tony about the time Jory and Fen were in the news. A snake and a wolf running around central park, small enough that it doesn't alert the attention of authorities and the avengers but enough to draw attention. Loki looks at his chopsticks in grim, remembering how terrified that someone would take his babies away. Nothing happened, But Loki gave them one hel of a talk. Hela not forgetting to tell Tony every detail.

Tony laughs between bites, taken with Hela and adding little comments that make her giggle. Peter smiles warmly at him from across the table as Sleip steals a dumpling from Peter's dish without him noticing. Narfi giggles but otherwise is occupied by the spring roll in his mouth. Loki begins to relax, eating until she is full and than leaning against James. He smiles, brushing her hair back and smirks. "You good?"

"I am." James nods and goes back to his food.

"When we turned into animal form for first time, Peter screamed. It was funny." Jory says, trying his best to articulate his words. Loki smiles at that, proud of her boy.

"I did not scream!" Peter says in protest.

The various Silvers looked at him with matching disbelieving looks and he sighs, his cheeks turning red. Tony shakes his head, chuckling. "Well it would be kinda trippy to see."

"I know right!" Peter says perking up in agreement. Tony nods but than Peter says, smiling st his siblings. "But it's fun, you know? Jory would sit on my shoulders during movies as a snake and Fen would play in the yard with me and Loki would get mad because we'd get all muddy. It's great."

"Don't forget me, Peter!" Hela cries out, seeking attention. Tony looks at her with a warm smile, he seems to be touched by Hela. But really? Who wouldn't? She's adorable.

"Of course not, my little raven!" Peter says with a scrunched up face with a cute small grin. Hela giggles. Tony asks her, "you turn into a raven?"

"Yes yes! Lady death taught me! It pretty and I can fly!" She makes a whoosh sound with her mouth as she outstretched her arm nearly hitting her neighbour in the face. Tony ruffles her hair, "what a talented young lady! All of you! Amazing!"

Jory blushes, muttering under his breath as Fen ever the opposite of his brother, puffs out his chest and grins proudly. In those moments it reminds Loki of her youth with Thor...the good moments not the bad.... it's nice.

As the conversation trails off, chaos picks up and the kids all giggle and tease one another while Fen stuffs more food in his mouth. Jory somehow getting noodles in his hair. James only shakes his head and helping the blue haired boy out. Tony looks content, seeming to watch the chaos around him until his brow furrows and he raises a finger.

"I have a question."

Tony interrupt the chaos and Loki sits up to regard him with a raised brow before motioning for him to ask said question. He sits up and says, "I feel like I am missing some of the puzzle here."

"Go on." Loki says slowly.

Tony looks at Bucky and than Loki and says curiously. "Where do you fit into this?"

James laughs and Loki smirks, she then begins to throw away the empty packaging of the food as Sleipnir help.

"Children, how about you go pick a movie before bed, yes?" Loki asks them with a pleasant smile.

They all nod in excitement, jumping up from their chairs. "Ooo we should watch frozen!" Hela exclaims before singing a song from the film.

"Whatever you want sister." Sleipnir says. She shouts in excitement, singing louder as she begins twirling towards the living room.

"Go change into pjs first, my little ones! Sleip, Pete, help Narfi and—everyone off you go brushing your teeth!" Loki calls after them, Sleip gives her a nod and Peter gives Stark a shy smile. Tony returns it with a quirk of his lip and a small wave.

Jory and Fen chase each other there while Sleipnir carries Narfi and Peter awkwardly trails behind. As they clean, Loki regards James a look. Making sure it's okay..it's okay that they talk about this.

He nods solemnly and Loki nods in return. She then smiles and asks Mister Stark to follow her to her study.

"Why aren't the kids gonna listen in?" Tony asks as they make their way down the hall.

"James would prefer if we talked privately for a time. Anyways, the children will grow restless especially my dear Fen. He is fidgety and will cause mayhem when bored." Loki explains as she pushes the door open.

"Sounds familiar." Tony quips and Loki shoots him a smirk. James makes his way towards the hammock swing in the corner near her desk. The room is less of a study and more of her spell room. On the left far wall an entire book shelf is embedded within the wall. Charms, books, babbles and potion bottles litter the wooden shelving as a black leather couch sits beneath it, filled with pillows of different shapes textures and sizes.

In front of it sits a green rug with tassels and a couple bean bag chairs here and there. Behind her long oak wood desk sits a window with lace curtains held open to let the moonlight in. As plants and herbs hang above it. On her desk sits a quill, a book, herbs and potions along with her thick old journal. She takes a seat in her favourite black leather chair right behind her desk.

"Woah! And I thought my lab was awesome!! This is insane!! Brucie would get a kick outta this place!" Tony exclaims moving to examine the babbles on the shelf. Loki scowls at him and motions for him to sit. He huffs but does as told.

"So you are Loki." Tony says breathlessly. As if it is finally settling in. Loki smirks and drops her female glamour, leaving him in a black suit without a tie. He smirks at Tony's dumbfounded expression as James chuckles. Tony then looks over at James and grumbles, "and damn you are the one that has been making cap all broody! Do you understand how hard missions are with that drag?"

James lip twitches and he looks away, making Loki nervous. "He's brooding?"

"Damn straight he is. We all heard about that hydra shit, pissed off at that, they were going to kill me! ME!! And Bruce and this remarkable doctor, his name is Doctor Stephen Strange!Imagine the world without our brilliance? oh god.. Hydra are Assholes..."

James than let's out a bitter laugh making Loki look at him with worry and Tony in curiosity. He shakes his head, his eyes darkening. "That's one way to call them."

It is tense and silent for a couple minutes. Tony fidgeting with a blue pillow made of silk as Loki rubs a hand over his face. And soon, James just huffs and hisses out, "lets get this story over with. Loki, help me with some bits of it?"

Loki smiles softly, nodding. "Of course, James. You are not alone anymore."

~~~~

"People make mistakes..  
Fathers.. Mothers...  
People make mistakes...  
Holding to their own  
Thinking they are alone  
Honour their mistakes...fight for their mistakes  
Everybody makes  
One another's terrible mistakes  
Witches can be right, giants can be good  
You decide what is right, you decide whats good...

Just remember....Someone is on your side..  
You are not alone."

~into the woods


	4. I am a goner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tells his story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s my fricken birthday so here is an extra fricken long chapter because I couldn’t for the life of me split it in half!! Happy reading :))

"Though I am weak   
And beaten down   
I'll slip away   
Into the ground   
Ghost of you   
Is close to me   
I'm inside out   
Your underneath 

Don't let me be gone." 

Two years ago 

Loki is grinning from ear to ear as she walks with Hela down the street towards their home. Loki should probably look into getting a vehicle that will fit her massive family however she still has yet to learn to drive and her job at the theatre is close enough to their home to walk as well as her children's schools. 

So they are managing and well, Hela loves walks. She will always ask to come with him to the grocery store, to the mall, to his work every fridays. She loves watching her act and sing, along with his many other children but she does the most. 

But then again maybe Hela May just enjoy spending time with her, especially going so long apart. 

Loki holds her small almost transperant hand in hers, humming together as they return from their evening at the theatre. The midsummer evening is nice, warm and yet cool all the same. Much better than during the day, the scorching heat sometimes making Loki and some of his children ill, especially Jory and Hela. 

Sleipnir enjoying the heat the most and will partake in many outdoor activities in his school. 

"Mama, how does that one song go? The one that you cry in?" Hela asks, she looks up at her with big round mismatched blue and red eyes. A warm awestruck smile on her face. 

Loki smiles warmly at her and begins humming the tune. 

Loki is in Les Miserable and is playing the heartbreaking part of Fantine. And she was most worried about portraying the dark and heart wrenching song that is 'I dreamed a dream' especially since she is not fond of vulnerability. 

But she channeled many of her feelings, her hurt, her pain...everything and it worked. 

Her directors were even teary eyed at her audition. It was awe inspiring. 

"I dreamed a dream that time gone by! Where hope was high and love worth loving!!" Hela exclaims, as she spins around in exaggeration. 

"It's life worth living, my darling." 

"Oh! Hmm." She frowns, her lips fell into a pout before cocking her head to the side, white hair falling in her face. "What's the difference?" 

"Love is a feeling, life is what we experience daily, my love." She whispers, lifting her hand to her lips and kissing the back of her small hand. "You are worth loving however life can not always be so kind and sometimes people get sad and life becomes harder to live." 

Trying her best to keep it light and less dark. However that is the best she can do to explain the concept. 

Loki is not too keen to tell her already frightened and hurt daughter about suicide and about how some just give in. 

Hela is smart and intuitive however she really really shouldn't have to understand and grasp the topic of suicide and death at this age. Even if she once had literally lady death as her guardian for a time. 

Hela hums, nodding thoughtfully before saying with a happy innocent grin. "Life is worth living, mama! It really really is!" And to emphasize her point she kisses Loki's hand as well. 

Loki has a hard time maintaining a calm and serene composure instead of breaking down into tears and pulling her daughter into her arms so tightly in fear she will vanish. 

Instead Loki smiles and kisses her messy black and white hair. "It truly is, my Hela. It truly is." 

She giggles and then continues singing, Loki humming along as well. They continue down the street, enjoying one another's company when a sound echoes through the alley way. Loki snaps her head in the direction of the sound, frowning when she sees the sight of a black and almost small figure curled up against the garbage. 

"Mama?" Hela whispers. 

Loki quiets her, lifting her up into her arms as she slowly approaches the figure. Yes it is most likely not the best plan of action, it could be anyone. And anyone can be dangerous especially to a mom and a daughter. But Loki has a bad feeling, a sense that this person needs help and it is an odd sensation for her when she rarely feels that way unless directed towards her children. 

"Are you okay?" Loki says calmly. 

The figure jolts up, wide stormy eyes stare up at them through messy and greasy brown hair, his body almost protecting his left arm. 

The man doesn't say anything only stares at them and Loki sighs. "Are you injured?" 

The man scowl deepens and he stares daggers at his arm covered up in black clothing and a black glove. 

"I take that as yes." Loki mutters. She lowers Hela down and clutches her small hand in her own as they approach, the man jerks up right as the dark eyes scan the both of them. 

With furrowed brows, Loki kneels down and holds out her hand as if approaching an animal. He jerks but otherwise doesn't move as Loki Lowers her hand on to his. 

It's hard, unlike flesh and almost metallic and her frown deepens.

"Are you okay, sir?" Hela asks and Loki smiles as she examines the arm. 

"Yes." The man grunts out and Loki takes that as a win. 

"Where does it hurt?" Loki asks, green eyes looking into grey to show that she isn't here to harm him. His frown deepens and his right arm lifts up to his left shoulder. And his left hand to his hip. 

Loki frowns and examined the hip first, seeing a huge red stain and as she touches a deep hiss. Loki grumbles, "bad day?" 

A deep dark rumble sounds out of the man's throat and he says roughly, "more like bad century." 

Loki lets out a laugh, grinning as she stands. "Oh we understand. Come along, let's get you patched up."

"He's hurt?" Hela asks as the man gapes up at them. 

Loki nods, "yes he is. Do you believe sleip can help him?" 

"Of course! Sleip is great at helping hurts!" Hela beams proudly. She then looks over at the shocked injured man and says quickly, "come on Mister! Sleipy can help you!" 

She then takes his left hand in her own and tugs. Watching the man tense at the gesture makes Loki tense as well and she only relaxes when he does as well. Seeing as he is not harming her daughter. 

Loki sighs, and loops her arm on his other side, helping him up and silently thankful for her Asgardian density to be able to carry his weight under her even in her female form. 

"Come on." She then whispers, "I am Lorna, this is my daughter Hela. And you?" 

"Hi!!" Hela exclaims excitedly and Loki doesn't miss the fondness in the man's eyes as he looks down at Hela and his own adjoined hands. 

He chuckles before muttering, "James Barnes...but..I think...I go by Bucky..." 

~~~~~

"Mother...don't you think this was a really bad idea...bringing this stranger from off the street...with a stab wound....here...?" Sleipnir trails off, his forest eyes deep and inquisitive. He has his long silver hair tied back in a purple scrunchie from Hela's colourful collection. 

He has his arms crossed over his chest and a thin eyebrow raised at his mother. 

Loki winces, she gives him a sheepish smile and looks over her shoulder at the man sitting on the couch. Jory and Fenrir asking him many questions that are all completely harmless, all the while Hela is sitting against his side, showing him her toy doctors kit. 

Loki smiles at the sight and then looks over at her stricken son. Oh how he has grown into a fine young man. He goes by Stefan here on earth and is about to graduate high school. He's kind, considerate and has a couple friends. 

A boy she believes is named Peter Parker, Ned Leeds and a girl named Michelle Jones. It's nice knowing her son is so happy here on earth. 

Aspirations growing as he wants to become a doctor. My darling son. 

"As if we cannot defend ourselves, Sleip...and I don't feel bad energy surrounding him. I only feel a misguided and pained soul..." Loki's brows furrow together as she remembers the heaviness of the man's head. 

Loki has gotten very well versed in being able to tape into a person's mind and energy. A little bit of seidr, not enough to draw attention. 

But when she looked towards James... he is more broken than even she. 

"He's broken, lost... his mind in tatters and destroyed..destroyed, sleip." A hiss leaves her lip as she looks at Sleipnir in determination. "I will not let a broken man fall into the wrong hands...not again...not after me—" 

The feeling of the slimy touch of the other...the dark weight on his mind..crushing all that is Loki...forgetting..loosing everything..the pain...

A touch draws her back and she jolts, sleipnir's soft touch in her shoulder and she pulls her son into a hug. Sleipnir rubs her back and sighs, "I'll help him, mother. Do not fret." 

"I don't fret..." she laughs half heartedly. Sleipnir parts and gives her a playful pointed look, "sure you don't. And you are right mother."

"As always." Loki quips back, making her son roll his forest eyes. 

"Whatever you say...no but you are right about defending ourselves." Sleipnirs eyes shut as he sucks in a breath, "I feel the strength of the shields around the house grow more and more..and as my siblings seidr thrives, we will not have to rely on our energy to protect them from heimdalls gaze. They can." 

Loki smiles, touching her son's smooth snowy cheek, he leans into her touch and sighs. "You are so beautifully intelligent, my son." 

"Thank you mother mine." Loki smiles, kissing her son's cheek before allowing him to go and provide aid for their new guest as Loki moves towards Narfi in his crib. 

Loki looks over the side and her heart throbs at the sight of her beautiful baby boy. His messy white hair is tousled up and his mouth is open as he snores quietly, curled around his green blanket. 

She smiles, leaning over and brushing a soft hand over his forehead. He snorts and Loki lets out a fond chuckle, lifting him up and into her arms. "Oh my dear sweet heart. Let's get you to bed."

He babbles in her ear, but otherwise is still asleep as Loki softly hums while climbing the stairs. Rocking Narfi gently, Loki enters the bedroom she shares with her babe. Narfi's crib pushed up against the far wall right next to her queen sized bed. A set of twinkling stars and moons twirling above the dark wood crib with green blankets. 

Loki hums, rocking Narfi gently and moving around the room before laying him down softly under his covers. He babbles out for her and Loki coos softly, brushing her hand down his smooth cheek. "Sleep my love. Sleep." 

More babbles and a light snort and Loki knows she must sing for him to rest peacefully. So Loki begins singing a midgardian song that his darling children love whenever they are scared or saddened. Or even Ill. 

Constantly brushing her hand over his pale forehead as dark green eyes stare up at the stars, Loki begins. 

"You are my Sunshine.." 

Green eyes meet hers, batting softly and Loki hums, "my only sunshine.. you make me happy! When skies are grey..." 

Eyes slowly close and her voice falls lower. "You do not know dear, how much I love you..please don't take my sunshine... away."

Kissing his pale forehead, Loki turns on the baby monitor and leaves the room. Closing the door shut before moving quickly back down the stairs. 

Sleipnir looks up at her from his spot next to a shirtless James, the triplets are watching tv, a Disney movie she gathers as they do not move their gaze from the lit screen. 

James shifts nervously as Loki moves to the rocking chair to the right of James. He eyes her carefully before wincing as Sleipnir continues stitching up the horrible wound. Oh thank the norns for Disney.. 

"How is it?" Loki whispers. 

"Not infected, so that's good. How old is it, James?" Sleipnir asks as he carefully steadies his hand to pierce more skin. 

"I-I do not know..." he whispers and Loki frown deepens. She pushes a stray black lock from her face and whispers, "do you know who caused this?" 

"I-I.." he turns away scowling and Loki shushes him softly in a nurturing matter. She touched his metallic hand and that's when she noticed the deep badly scarred tissue around his shoulder. "Oh dear. Sleip?" 

"Yes I know..." 

Loki moves forward and James flinches at her touch but otherwise lets her touch the scars. He winces at the touch and Loki tsks. "Who did this to your arm?" 

He scowls again and his eyes shut in a sense of hatred and almost horror. So Loki asks him another, less difficult question he may answer. "May I heal the scarring?" 

Sleipnir makes a noise in the back of his throat and Loki shoots him a look before looking at the broken man before her. His eyes look at her in question and hesitancy. Someone must have Hurt him while trying to fix him. Which is Downright horrible to do, someone trusts you to make you better and they make you worse in the long run? 

Trust issues! 

"I have herbal medicine and I grow the herbs myself if you'd like to see for yourself... I would like to apply a salve to the scarring while I try to find someone that can fix your arm..but the salve should help with the pain. If that's okay?"

Bucky looks at Loki, her eyes encouraging her not forceful as her hand hovers over the scarring bit of his arm as Sleipnir finishes placing a bandage around his wound. He nods his head and Loki beams. 

She holds out a hand for him and he takes it with much hesitancy as Sleipnir takes up the part of watching the triplets. Loki guides him towards her herb garden in her 'spell room' that she refused to call it in front of anyone that isn't family. 

So study it is... they enter the room at the back of the hall and the room is lit only by the candles and the light coming from the window. Black out Curtains are held open to let in the summer air into the room and nurture the herb plants with the sunlight all sitting green and bright in the window sill. 

The room is warm and calm. With big pillows strewn around the room and along the big black leather couch with green throw blankets on top. A carpet sits beneath their feat, soft and velvety to the touch and a long black wood desk sits before the window. 

The desk is filled with different vials, parchments and different crystals or rocks with feather pens. And on the left wall is a huge book case filled with more vials and crystals on the top shelf and below are shelf after shelf of just books. All well worn and yet well maintained and in pristine condition. 

"What is this place?" Bucky question's accidentally aloud and Loki only smirks, guiding him to the couch as she glides to her place behind her desk to tend the different herbs. She ties her long black hair up in a high ponytail, rolling up her long green sleeves and reached for a jar. 

She opens it and sniffs, before stirring the contents within. Loki made this when she first arrived here, knowing full well she will need a salve for any sort of painful injury. One that can numb yet soothe the pain whether that being acute, scrapes, burns or scarring. 

Knowing this will most likely not be enough, she picks up a vial filled with blue liquid and another with purple and pours both in a bowl evenly before taping in some glitter dust. Loki stirs her creation up and slowly pours it within a pocket flask. 

Satisfied, Loki makes her way over to Bucky and sits on his side with his injured shoulder. Loki begins explaining the ingredients, what each herb does and the natural minerals she added to help inflammation and such. 

When Bucky gives her a confirming nod, she begins spreading it all along the affected area and he sighs heavenly into the feeling. Smiling, she begins to hum while working before standing once again and returning with bandages that will cover the scarring. 

She does so quickly, and hums in satisfaction at the sight of her work before grinning. "There." She then hands Bucky the flask and points to it, explaining each ingredient in detail and in perfect explanation to be clear of the intention and that she is not going to poison him before saying. "Take this every day right before you fall asleep. It should help with the pain and ease your mind so you could sleep peacefully." 

He looks at it hesitantly before giving her a tiny little smile. So tiny that it barely represents a smile but she takes it. "Thank you, Lorna." 

"Anytime, James." She says, calmly. "Now id much prefer if you stayed with my family until you are up on your feet...I know-I know that you are in danger." 

His body tenses and she brushes her hand down his arm. "Do not worry, you are safe here."

"How could you possibly keep me safe? I will put your family in harm's way..I'll be a danger, I can't-" Bucky whimpers, running his hands through his thick knotted hair. 

"Hush now, James, please understand I wouldn't have took you in if I knew I couldn't handle it." Loki grins proudly, "us Silvers are tough. Much stronger than you could possibly believe." 

Bucky scoffs and Loki laughs, "you do not believe me."

"How could I?" He bites out. "You don't even know who's after me...how dangerous they are! How dangerous I am!" 

Loki pauses and furrows her brow before smirking and brushing his hair away from his face. "Oh trust me, Mister Barnes, I could be as dangerous as you—"

"What?" 

"You believe me to be harmless, a simple damsel—"

"A dame."

"Yes a dame." Loki says amused. "But my family's situation is much more complicated than even yours. I know this as it is."

And now it's his turn to laugh, bitterly she may add but laugh nonetheless. He glares at her and hisses out. "You know nothing." 

Lorna smirks, shaking her head with a sigh. She takes his hand and says, "than tell me." 

He barks out a laugh with a shake, his hands quaking with each movement. He jerks his head and harshly pants out, "no."

Lorna rolls her big green eyes and huffs, "fine. Then I shall just speak of myself instead while you rest. If you believe me still to be a 'helpless dame' than be my guest and leave, and if not than stay and let me help you regain yourself. Regain who you are." 

He looks at her with furrowed brows, confusion swimming in his grey eyes. "How—?"

"I have seen that look, the look in your eyes that speaks of being undone. Confusion of oneself, of one's identity. The uncertainty of what purpose you have and what you must do now that you are free of the shackles." She than clenched her jaw, gulps and utters out. "I know this because I saw that same look in my own reflection."

He sits shocked of how on point her analysis has been. He has known her for what an hour? Maybe less? And she has figured all of that out? She knows things most wouldn't...and how? How was she unmade when she was raising SIX children. How...? How does this all work? 

She smiles softly and says, "I understand much and I know the questions you must be wondering about myself." 

He raises a brow at her and she smirks, "what do you know of the avengers, Mister Barnes?" 

His brows furrow as he looks off and grumbles, "...Steve.....they—they wanted the asset to kill him and Natalia Romonova.... There is the rich one, Tony Stark..." he shakes his head and than says, "and others, one with wings. I know of a god and one that turns into a green beast. That is all I could recall." 

"The god is Thor Odinson..my brother." She looks up at him with a firm nod and he stares at her in confusion. She chuckles, "my name is not Lorna Silver but Loki—Loki of Asgard." 

It is quiet for a long moment and he shrugs, "i-okay?" 

Loki laughs loudly, covering her mouth with her hand and shaking her head fondly. "I see." 

"So you are a goddess?" 

"You could say that, or a god. I am a shapeshifter, gender is nonexistent to me." 

"Where did you get the kids?"

"Oh they are my own." She whispers, "only a couple hundreds years old each, Sleipnir or Stefan as he calls himself now is my eldest. We came to Midgard to start a life, a life of our own. Not one that my-my—Odin will destroy." 

He just stares at her in complete disbelief. Looking at her sorta in weariness and as if he's trying to portray without him saying a word 'you are insane.' With just his grey stormy eyes. Loki rolls her eyes and waves her hand, allowing her body to shift in her male form and in green sweater with black jeans.

His eyes widen but holds composure well which is questionable but admirable. Huh. 

"The future is fucked." He states simply and she laughs as she changes back to female, laughs freely and unburdened by the most notorious reputation she has among most.

You could say that she thinks. 

"They say you destroyed New York." James says, eyeing her carefully. 

She sighs, grimly. "Yes. And they say you nearly destroyed DC."

They stare at one another and Loki says with a questioning huff, "you weren't in your control, were you?"

"Were you?" He retorts. They stare in silence once again and he then asks with a shrug, "brainwashed?"

"Mind controlled, but close." She says, slightly amused in a morbid sense. He nods his head. She asks, "you?"

"Brainwashed."

"Tortured?"

"Tortured." 

They sigh. She sits up straight, shaking herself from the memories and he follows her lead. She asks, "you want to hear my story?" 

"Why not?" 

After she tells her tale, of how she got here and how she rescued her children and how her life on Midgard is going, James is supportive and nonchalant. And when she questioned why. Her story is not so simple, not so easy and quite frankly, dark. 

He responded, "well, we can relate morbidly on the fact that people/aliens are assholes and ruined our heads. But I can't say I understand what it's like dealing with evil fathers that try to steal your kids." 

She laughs, her hand lifts to cover her lips before setting them both in her lap. "Oh I like you, James Barnes."

"I like you, Loki or Lorna Silver? Odinson? Dottir? I don't even know." She laughs again, "neither do I, sir." 

They smile, chuckling at one another before slowly trailing off into silence. Companionable, however. Not awkward and not at all tense. But maybe the silence speaks of their understanding and kindred sufferings of sort. Sighing, knowing full well she can't sit in silence for long, she stands. 

"Would you like new clothes?" Looking at his outfit sceptically. 

He looks down at his torn and dirty tactical gear and sighs weary. He nods tensely and she smiles. She knows no one in this house would have any clothes that would fit a man like him. Not even her male clothes would fit. James is buff and massive, he'd fit better in Thor's clothing but definitely not Loki's clothes. His body is slim and lean, muscular but not buff when male. So that wouldn't do. 

She simply conjures up some clothes for him, some appearing in a neat pile on the desk. He looks over and she smiles, moving towards the door with a swish of her clothes. "Get dressed, after you should eat and get some rest. Meet me in the kitchen."

He nods and she leaves him to his privacy, closing the door and padding her way down the hall. Jory looks over at aher in giddy and jumps in her arms making her Yelp. She catches him and she holds him tightly to her, running her fingers through his blue hair. She kisses his forehead and whispers, "and how are you, my little one?"

"I am well, modir." She smiles, kissing him once more and bringing him into the kitchen with her where Sleip is cooking a simple meal of chicken, potatoes and carrots. "Smells Devine, dear."

She moves to kiss him on the cheek and he grins, pushing the potatoes around the pan. "How's our guest?"

"He shall recover." She says simply, moving to place Jory in a chair next to his sister who is colouring with a red marker. Looks to be a star. She bends down to kiss her head and brushes her hair back, "aren't you artistic, little love." 

Hela beams brightly and turns back to her drawing with determination. 

And a second later Fen came bounding down and into the kitchen and clamping himself down on her leg. She chuckles as a mop of midnight black hair is squished against her jean clad legs. She brushes her hand through it and soon two beautiful green eyes come peaking up at her. "Hello love."

"Modir." He says with his oddly deep voice. It startled adults when they first ar hearit, most boys don't have a deep voice until after puberty but for Fen it's not the case. She can't help but be prideful of that fact. "Is he staying with us?"

She nods with a reassuring smile, scratching his scalp the way he likes it. He pushes his head into her hand like a cat and she grins wider. "He needs our help, love and I know you don't like..." 

Strangers in the house or near them especially if they are male but..

"But I think you will like him." She whispers and he sighs dramatically and unclutches her leg and jumps up onto his chair. And that's the end of the conversation. Loki loves her little man with such few words. When she turns around, she startles because Bucky is standing right there. He looks less intimidating in sweatpants deep Grey and a red Henley shirt that falls to his wrists with his hair in a messy bun atop his head. He looks very nervous shifting on his feet and scratching his ear with his bionic hand. Loki smiles and gestures towards the table. He gulps anxiously and takes a seat. Sleipnir serves them and after Loki has taken the first bite and speaks animated with her children, then he would. He'd eat like a starving man, devouring his food and looks sheepish when finished and asked for another serving. 

"Oh don't worry about food." She waves her hand nonchalantly. "We have to buy groceries every week in bulk. My children eat much and—"

"Mama can I have more?" Hela asks, holding up her empty bowl and James eyes look around the table to see Fen licking his bowl clean and Jory eating his last bite. Sleipnir is slower and smirking over his glass of juice. 

"Fen stop licking your bowl, I'll get you more...I'll refill all of your plates, I suppose." She sighs with amusement, standing gracefully and moving towards the stove. She picks up the pot and scoops more into everyone's bowls and as soon as the plate is full, Fen is shovelling food down his throat and James is close behind. 

That evening was one of the best and calmest nights he's had in a very long time. And after they all ate (each kid eating four servings and James five as Loki only eats two), Loki pushed her children towards the bathroom and bedroom to change and brush their teeth. James enjoyed the loud clambering of feet, giggles and loud voices throughout the pretty home. Once they are all in bed, Sleipnir is sitting in the living room typing on his laptop with glasses perched on his nose as James sits next to Loki at the table. A glass of wine in her hands and water in James as he doesn't want to drink as they talk. 

They talk about memories they have of the past and Loki shares what her life in Asgard was like and how raising her children on different planets contain of. And it's good. It's relaxing and James lets himself calm down and find peace in where he is. 

"James." She touches his wrist and he looks down at her ring clad hand that's smooth and soft touching his tough skin. "You can stay here as long as you wish. I can help you recover your mind and a sense of who you are again. Whoever is after you will not get you here and you will be safe."

"Nothing comes free." He states in a rough broken voice. 

She smiles. "I've learned that the broken must help the broken mend. The one's that struggle the most find kindred spirits with others of the same horrors, understanding and compassion is a saviour to this day..." She looks down, sadly, twirling a snake ring. "I know that now.. I didn't then..and kindness can be free." 

He looks at her oddly, a glimmer in his eye that she could barely read but he nods, tensely but does so anyways. She smiles brightly, standing, "come along, darling. You can sleep in my study." 

"You mean your magic voodoo room." He says cheekily, with a fracture of a grin. Before he ducks his head, his features schooling and she ignores the change. "Yes my magic voodoo room." 

That night was good and days further began the slippery slope of recovering who James was. He'd sometimes never leave Loki's study, only allowing her and Hela to enter. Other days he'd play with fen and Jory on the floor giving the boy's tickles. It was a very adorable sight. Sometimes he'd surprise her, after days of prowling the house like a guard dog and growling at nothing. He'd speak in monosyllables and speak of himself as the 'asset.' Other days he'd come out and cook for them or Loki would come home from work finding James sitting at the table with Sleipnir and teaching him about the 40s for his history homework and other times she'd find him curled on the couch in front of the TV with Narfi sleeping on his bare chest. 

It was a sight she looked upon fondly, her children rarely opened up to anybody. Anybody at all. They don't really have friends, Sleipnir does but he is the eldest of her lot and Peter is a good friend for Sleip. He needs good friends that match his interests and can keep up with his fast genius mind. But this.. this is different. Her children look up to this man and this man looks towards her children with happiness and a sense of calm. 

But during his dire recovery, they realized his mind has split into two. Triggers that they are still struggling to figure out cause James, the Bucky Barnes of the 40s to turn back into the asset. The 'asset' isn't dangerous and they prefer to call him the soldier when he is like this. He's protective and acts as a guardian of their home. But his personality, his personality that is bright and kind and funny disappears and anger, protection and seriousness falls in place. 

They have yet to figure out how to help this. They don't know much at all about such a disorder but he's still apart of their broken family and they help as best they could. Her children know to back off and give 'the soldier' room when he is like this but to treat him like a person still. It may help with the recovery if they do it that way. They lead him when he's lost and unsure. When he needs to do something they tell him to watch over the children or to clean his weapons in the study. 

Once when James didn't own any weapons, the soldiers made some...out of the toaster and electronics that lay stray. It was shocking to them all and Sleipnir offered to order some weapons online. Loki shook her head and told them both that she will buy some. Easiest way to handle this precarious situation. 

But what they notice is that The soldier is most at ease in the presence of the kids and even more so when they switch forms. He will prowl the house with Jory wrapped around his neck in snake form. Or Fen following compliantly around the house as The soldier paces. Hela would perch on his shoulder as a raven and he seems to relax a fraction. 

When Loki asked James what he thought of this new development, James chuckled. "Throughout my time as the asset, I would change...relax a fraction and act like a..person when I meet an animal. Once, there was a stray kitty, this was back in 1960 and I took the kitty and placed him on my shoulder as I completed the mission. Thankfully it was just a recon mission then but when my handlers tried to take the kitty away...I killed them. I had the cat until I went back in cryo."

"They didn't think to just forcefully remove the cat from you?" Loki asks, thoughtful. 

He chuckles, darkly. "They picked their battles. So many of their men died at my hands, they thought one cat wasn't worth losing good men."

Loki can't help but smirk. Even as the asset, James Barnes was still an angel. 

Later, when James was getting better, so much better. Not fully, his arm is still bothering him and his ptsd is quite bad but better than when he first arrived; He started to draw. Draw the children, Loki sometimes and objects of any kind. He would create these beautiful designs, beautiful designs that some would pay a lot to get tattooed on their bodies. And other times he'd draw memories of his past. But one of the drawings that stuck out to James was of a shield. 

Captain America's shield. 

Loki decided that they'd take him to get it tattooed and when they did. James got an apprenticeship from the kind army vet that worked there and James became a tattoo artist. A tattoo parlour called Needlepoint is where he spends his evenings after Loki came home from work at the theatre. It worked for them. 

So Loki got a fake license stating that James Silver and Lorna Silver are married with five children. It worked. They never got into any sort of romantic relationship but they both decided a fake marriage would be easier to explain than.... "oh well you see this man he was bleeding and hurt on the streets so instead of calling the hospital and that was it, I took him home and now we play house with the winter soldier. A 100 year old man that's best friends with captain America."

~~~

Tony laughs loudly at her last statement and James smirks from the corner of her eyes. She smiles, amused. 

Tony wiping tears of laughter from his eyes says, "and I thought my life was weird."

"I'll definitely be giving you a run for your money." Loki smirks. He nods, taking a deep breath to calm himself, he then looks over at James who looks deep in thought. 

"You know we would have taken you in, right?" Tony asks after a moment of silence. James head lifts and he shakes his head in confusion. "Why..why would you?"

Tony smiles, "because you are capsicles best friend from the 40s who dealt with a fuckton at the hands of Hydra. And well, Stevie has been walking around the tower like a lost puppy ever since he found you...then lost you."

James frowns, "I'm not like Bucky. Sometimes I am. But not."

Tony nods, understanding. "No ones the same, Barnes. Not even your buddy, cap. He has issues, we all do. That's why the avengers team is such a good idea, we take care of each other."

Loki nods with a soft smile taking James hands. "That's why you have done so well here. Remember what I said, yes?"

James looks up, his grey eyes swirling like a storm of confusion, emotion and mourning. He nods after a moment and Loki lifts his hand up to her lips, kissing the back of his hand. Loki looks over at Tony, she raises a brow at him and says, "you are taking this quite well."

Tony shrugs, looking thoughtful. "Honestly it isn't the weirdest thing I've ever witnessed. And—well, I'm glad this is working out for you guys. It also makes our lives easier, Loki and the winter soldier playing house instead of dealing with you two causing destruction and ruining my life. It's nice."

Loki exchanges a look with James and then they both fall into laughter. James' laughs deeply, a chuckle that rumbles like a volcano whereas Loki's is lighthearted and soft, carefree yet still completely elegant. What an odd pair.

"What do you guys need me to do? Any help you need? Anything at all?" Tony asks. 

Loki hums, shaking her head. "Not at all. We'd prefer this to be kept under the radar. I-I still have yet to contact Thor and I'd like to keep it that way until I am ready. I am still uncertain if he would tell our father of my whereabouts." Lokis expression turns dark, she looks down, gulps and looks back up at Tony serious. "I do not want Odin to find out where my children are."

It's silent, tense and numbering in this room with the heavy sweet scent of herbs and flowers and the beautiful ambience of the moonlight filtering through the windows and the candlelight strewn around the room. 

Tony breaks the silence, patting his knee and standing, "well that's a can of worms that needs to be opened another time."

"Another time?" James wonders out loud with a frown. 

Tony smirks, snapping his fingers, "obviously. For three reasons."

"Well please do enlighten us." Loki says, amusement catching within her voice.

"One; someone should be stopping in to see if you need anything or need help or whatever."

"You mean to make sure we aren't causing mischief." Loki says with a laugh. He quirks his lip, poking his nose. James shakes his head, amused, "fair."

"Two; I need to hear how Loki got here and how she has kids and shit. Because my brain is going over all the mythology and I need to know what's real and what isn't."

"Also quite fair..." Loki sighs, standing as well. "It isn't a pretty tale."

"Meh, no one's tale is pretty."

She nods, and he continues. "And thirdly, I just do wanna come back. Not sure why but your kids are fun and Loki you ain't so bad, you too James—I may want a tattoo from you eventually."

"I've got two faces   
Blurry is the one I'm not   
I need your help   
To get him out.

I'm a goner."


	5. maybe its time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple weeks after the incident with Stark, James tries to move forward and shake the anxiety in his heart as he works in the tattoo shop for the day. 
> 
> ~~~~
> 
> Meanwhile Stark has a talk with Steve about a certain one armed assassin that allegedly stole cap's heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so hi! I really like this chapter and I sprinkled in an oc that has resemblance with myself. She is in a wheelchair, I am too. She is training to be a tattoo artist, I wanna be a tattoo artist! I wouldn't usually add oc's to fanfiction but like she works well in this chapter, as like a supporting character and I needed a character other than the avengers for Bucky to talk to. It just so happens to be a version of myself, in a dire effort and desire to be friends with Bucky in real life. but yenno thats psh whateverrrrr its for the plot line! 
> 
> ANyways hope you like this chapter and let me know what you liked about it :) 
> 
> also slight trigger warning for mention of child abuse and homophobia. go to the end notes if you need more details.

"I'm glad I can't go back to where I came from   
I'm glad those days are gone, gone for good  
But if I could take spirits from my past   
and bring them here  
You know I would, you know I would" 

~Bradley Cooper

Life oddly went on from there. Stark left his number and even more contact information that they do not know what to do with--even a fucking fax number he left on their counter when he left. What the hell are they gonna do with a fax number?!

James is uncertain as to how he should feel about the entire bizarre interaction with the infamous Tony Stark, however Loki seems to take it in stride. Than again, she takes everything in stride. Downgrading from a goddess and royalty to a single mother to five powerful shape shifting children and becoming an actress on Broadway on dull midgard? Easy. Taking in a brainwashed assassin that was best friends with her enemy, Captain America and turn him into her fake husband and father of her children? No fucking problem. So Tony fucking Stark, Iron fucking Man befriending them and promising to keep their insane secret is a piece of cake in her book. 

"James, you worry to much. I thought I would have had to give the man amnesia at the very least." She said as she sips her tea with Jory slithering around her shoulders when he asked her why she is so calm about the whole thing. 

"What is the very most?" 

She smirks, behind her tea cup, raising a brow. He scoffs, oh fantastic murder was on the agenda if everything went shot to hell. James at least hopes murder was plan z. 

It has been five days since Tony Stark came for dinner and learned their story and they have yet to hear from him since. Which is fine, the less meddling the better. They could all move forward with their rather domestic life and things will be easy. 

'Yeah right', he internally thinks as he designs a new tattoo from his corner at Needlepoint. It is a tattoo of a pair of angel wings, it will be a full back tattoo for a woman that is insisting she pay extra for it due to it's size and the fact that he is creating the entire tattoo from scratch. The tattoo will be in colour as well, making this tattoo be done in four sessions. The scratch of his pen against paper and the rhythmic strokes with his hand creating the feather effect is soothing to his raging mind. 

He is worried, worried about Tony somehow messing up and letting slip to Steve where he is. James knows that Steve is still searching the entire god forsaken world for him and that he will stop at nothing until his precious Bucky is safe with Captain America and his avenging pals! He does feel guilty, Steve shouldn't be going through this much work and effort to find him only for him to be completely safe in the same city he resides in. But he doesn't trust himself, not yet, he isn't sure what is real and what is not from his life as Bucky Barnes, womanizer, best friend and a good hard working man. He doesn't even know who that man is, who he was and everything he remembers and has been told about is like watching a movie. It is impersonal and much like an out of body experience. 

He isn't that person anymore and if Steve comes to get him... he doesn't know if he ever could be. And James does not want to let his best friend down. He cannot. He can picture the disappointment and grief in those blue eyes and frowning lips. He can't do it. 

So, he returns to sketching. The kids are with Loki at home, most likely causing mischief, eating ungodly amounts of food and talking in high pitched, fast paced voices about their day, and their homework and that "Jimmy fell of the swing and I laughed" and that "did you know dinosaurs once roamed the earth but they all exploded and died"... Loki would laugh and nod and keep up as she is doing five hundred different other tasks at the same time because she is remarkable that way.

He's so thankful, so fucking thankful that Loki found him. He didn't at first, he thought this was a terrible idea considering he is a 70 year brainwashed assassin and being in a house filled with kids is a horrible idea. Yet, it is the reason he is doing so well. His memory is getting better, he has bad days where he doesn't remember a thing however his boss at Needlepoint is really understanding. He hires veterans quite often and helps them get off their feet as well as giving them flexible hours due to PTSD and other various mental health issues. 

He's pretty great. 

He finishes a feather and places his pen down to stretch his aching shoulders. He cracks his neck and rolls his shoulders and his wrists, enjoying the blissful release of tension and pain in his joints. He sighs, sinking into the leather sofa he is sitting on that's in front of all his designs and pieces of art that he is insanely proud of, when another artist, Jay comes rolling forward in her wheelchair. 

"Hey Silver! Can you look at this design for me?" She asks with a cheeky grin. Her hair is long and falls down her back in red and black waves. She has deep charcoal eyes that are framed with glitter and colorful lids. 

He holds out his hand and she beams, handing her sketchbook that is sitting on her lap. He takes it, flips it around and looks at the gorgeous design of snakes intertwined around roses. It's colored in vivid reds and emerald greens and has precise details. James nods, humming, "it's amazing, Jay."

"Thank you!! Anything I should add? Any mistakes? I don't honestly know...but something feels missing.." she frowns, her bottom lip pouting out. 

His lips lift in a small smile as he looks back down at the sketch. He furrows his brow, looking closer and smiles when he noticed what she is missing. "Add Red eyes to the snake."

He hands back her sketch book and she looks at the design closely, she grins, nodding her head. "Brilliant! Genius! Thank you Jamie!!"

She begins twisting her wheelchair around with her red leather gloved hands, humming as she goes. He chuckles, she's so young and carefree for someone who has the amount of pain and struggles as she does. She's 19, she's completely new to the industry and actually an apprentice. But she's moving so quickly through the apprenticeship that she's already going to begin designing and tattooing her designs on clients. With his close guidance but still, she's pretty remarkable.

We have three other artists, not including himself, Jay and our boss, Red. The other three artists are all veterans and keep to themselves mostly. Sometimes they will all talk and help each other out with designs, bad clients and panic attacks but otherwise they all work peacefully and undisturbed. James likes it that way. Two of them are in shop today, Ella is working with a client in the back room and Matt is working inventory. So basically a really quiet day. 

She than turns her head, flipping her hair as she does, "oh yeah! Jamie you have a client! He called in earlier and will be here..." she looks over at the clock and chirps, "20 minutes."

"Oh?"

"Yeah! He said just a consultation for a tattoo he designed himself, simple easy. He seemed really nice!" 

She rolls over to her station, pushes herself out of her chair and into the leather rolling chair and begins coloring the eyes of her snakes, humming as she does. He blinks, looks down at the feathers he was working on before he closes his sketchbook. Pushing it onto his workbench, he begins cleaning up.Gathering his pens and pencils and placing them in their little tins as well as tacking up three drawings from the kids.

One is made by Hela; a cute drawing of a cartoon bird that has writing next to it in her cute swirly penmanship in Russian because he was recently teaching her. It says, 'I miss you when you are working papa!' He had to put it up on his wall. 

The other drawing is by Jory, he drew everyone in their little family as snakes. James interpreted as a silver snake with stars. It's adorable. And the last drawing is by Fen; he is an amazing artist and has an eye for the beauty in things. He drew the plants and dream catchers in Loki's voodoo room. It's precise and beautifully done. Some mistakes, however he is young and learning and this is remarkable for an 8 year old.

James smiles at the drawings now placed on the wall along with his tattoo designs and art pieces he has created. They fit up there, ready to be seen proudly by all his clients. He pushes himself up off the couch and heads over to his desk, he tidied up, cleaned his filing cabinet with all his clients and flash drawings. He pulled one out, laughing because he remembers when someone came in and asked for a design of captain America's shield. Oh boy, was that ironic!

He places it back in its section in his cabinet when Jay calls me, saying that he client has arrived. He nods at her, giving her his thanks before standing and moving to the front of the parlor. And he freezes. 

He would recognize those shoulders and that mop of blonde hair, anywhere. The man he knows stands facing away from him but he knows. Yes, he knows. 

Steve Rogers stands in his shop, desiring a tattoo and talking with Jay as she sits in her wheelchair, showing him a drawing of her own. She smiles nice and bright, but doesn't talk about who he is because she is kind like that. She just tells him about her work and the shop before she catches his eye, "Jamie!!"

And Steve fucking Rogers turns around and his eyes widen, his voice raspy and shell shocked, "Bucky?"

"Fuck."

~~~~~~~~

Steve has been overwhelmed ever since he found out Bucky is alive, has been alive this entire time. He has been overwhelmed with guilt, hurt and pain; worry and sorrow. He has been depressed and anxious and desperate beyond belief to find him; to find Bucky.

Steve moved into the tower with Natasha and the other avengers and with the help of Tony and his tech, they have been searching everywhere for him. Without much luck. Natasha constantly reminds him that Bucky has the resources and the knowledge, the ability to do what he needs to, to disappear. He doesn't like that thought very much. Sam's been trying to help as well, more along the lines of helping Steve with his own mental health and reminding him what Bucky is going through himself. 

"You got to remember, Steve...Bucky has been tortured for 70 years, brainwashed even. He may have saved you that day, but that doesn't mean he remembers you. Remembers you fully. He must be scared, unsure and desperate to stay away from Hydra at all costs. I would want to disappear too."

That doesn't help his mental health much, even though it's true. Steve knows it's true and that's what makes him feel so guilty and sad. Maybe, if they went and searched for Bucky when he fell...he wouldn't have been tortured and used and brainwashed all the while he has been frozen in the ice. Maybe things would have been different, better. 

To be honest, it affects him even more because He loves Bucky. He has since Steve was a frail scrawny kid with a hero complex and Bucky was the only one that cared for him, that was there for him. He loved Peggy, he did but it wasn't the love he had for Bucky. Maybe, maybe...he crashed into the ice because he couldn't bare to live without him, without his Bucky. I'm with you until the end of the line....

So the guilt and the pain and the utter anguish he feels, is breaking him. He barely feels like himself anymore. Well, he hasn't felt much like himself in this day in age anyways but more so, more so now.

He was sitting on the roof of the tower, drawing...yes he was drawing Bucky. Bucky as he last saw him, with the raw pain and the confusion in his beautiful grey eyes. With the long brown hair that actually fits him well and the metal arm. The metal arm with the fucking star on it, declaring him a possession. Fuck. 

Tony came to him then; he sat next to Steve and looked at the drawing as Steve just stared at it as well. Glaring down at the page that shows how much he failed the man he loves. 

"He's a lucky guys." 

"What?" Steve growls at Tony and the billionaire raises his hands up in surrender. 

"That's not-not what I meant. I meant he's lucky to have you."

Steve frowns then, he scoffs, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah okay, he's so lucky to have a friend that failed him so badly he ended up being brainwashed and tortured for 70 years."

Tony rolls his eyes and Steve grumbles at him, turning back to his drawing. "No, you fucking pessimist. No, he's lucky because he has a friend that refuses to give up on him. After everything, even after he nearly left you for dead and disappeared. He's lucky to have a man that loves him the way you do."

"What-?" Steve says, shocked and nervous. 

Tony smiles, "do you honestly believe we couldn't tell? Dude."

"I didn't think it was that obvious...I hid it well enough since you know, I lived in an age where you could get murdered, or thrown in jail or even the mad house for loving a man." Sarcasm dripping from Steve's lip.

Tony laughs, "true and you do hide it well. But we are your friends and you are so broody ever since you found out and just devastated...heartbroken." Tony looks out at the horizon of the New York skyline with honey eyes that hold sympathy and sadness..for him, for a friend. 

"I didn't think you noticed much." He pauses, regretting his words for a moment. He winces and looks at Tony apologetically. But Tony doesn't take it seriously he just points at Steve with narrowed eyes. 

"Hey! I'm a fucking genius of course I noticed!" Tony protests and Steve laughs, laughs with his belly for the first time in a long time. And then Tony mutters, "and maybe aunt Peggy told me how much you loved him..."

"Wait. What?" Steve says, dumbfounded. "I-I never told her. I did love her, please know that Tony."

"Oh well yeah, Peggy is amazing, I love that woman too. She knew you loved her as she loved you but she also knew she was sharing your heart with the man that you rescued behind enemy lines. The man that broke your entire soul when he fell, she saw that. You weren't the same after that, you even gave up your life because of that pain."

He's silent after that. Thinking. And feeling guilty for treating Peggy like that. He sighs, weary and exhausted to the bone. "I should go talk to her."

"Maybe but she also is okay with it. She found your love for him so beautiful and pure. She actually..." Tony pauses and Steve waits, curious. He smiles, wistful with a hint of sadness clinging to him. "When I came out to my father as..as Bisexual, he didn't take it well. He well, he hit me-"

"He what?!" Steve growls. 

"Uhm yeah, calm down captain righteous it's in the past and he's dead. It's not-just let me finish my story please." Tony begs and Steve sighs, motioning with his hand to continue. Tony says thank you as Steve broods in his anger; anger at Howard. Fucking hell, and Steve thought the man was pretty great too. Fuck. 

"Anyways, Peggy found us there, my face punched in and Howard in a drunken rage. Hey, maybe it was a bad idea to come out to him while he was drunk but honestly at that point being drunk was his natural state. But she lost it and punched him square in the face and let me move in for a bit. A stayed with her before I moved to MIT. But that night, she told me that love is love and told me of your love for Bucky.

"She said to me, 'if captain America can love another man and still be good, a national icon, than it is okay for you to love anyone you desire. You'll do amazing things one day and that I love you no matter who you love.' Those words, the way she said it, how she said it will always be the reason I am here today, confident and okay with my sexuality. She's a remarkable human being and you are too, despite how fucking boring you can be." He groans, leaving his story with a laugh. 

It touched Steve's heart, that he saved a kid, little Tony that needed someone to look up to and be understood for once. That he ignorantly saved this kids life. God, Peggy is an angel. "Huh, well, I may be boring as hell but you still grew up thinking of me as your idol!" 

Tony scowls at him, "fuck you, Rogers."

"Whatever Stark."

They sit in silence, watching the skyline and the tiny cars move and the tiny people walk around and hurry along the streets from way up in the sky. They both had lighter hearts and felt a comfort in one another's presence and for the first time in quite some time, Steve felt okay. 

"Oh yeah, I had a point to this entire conversation."

"Oh you did huh?" Steve asks, amused.

"Shh, okay leave me alone...anyways I mean to say don't give up on Barnes. Don't do it. Obviously but I was thinking maybe you should begin to live in the now. When Peggy told me about you, she also told me how she may hold you in her heart still to this day but she will let the old ways die and live in the present. She doesn't want to dwell on the past, not on the things she can't change, she will focus on what she can do for our future. And I will do so too. Maybe you should as well.

"Barnes isn't going to be the same man you thought of him as. Especially when he gets back. You need to let that man go and love the man he is today."

Steve stays silent, letting the words sink into him and Tony shockingly lets him. But he does take his sketchbook and flips to another page and begins to do equations while he waits. Steve doesn't care. He's too busy thinking. Peggy is right as always, he's so focused on the past and what he did wrong and how messed up everything is now... but maybe, maybe he needs to let it go and focus on the future he could build with Bucky. Well, once he finds him.

God, Stark is good. He sighs, thinking on it and decides than and there, that no matter who Bucky is...he will love him. And not let his worries about what others think get to him. The stigma of Captain America was always a heavy burden but not anymore. Not anymore. He will love Bucky. He will.

"Thank you Stark."

"Whatever helps, capsicle. Now I have an idea."

"Oh god, what's your idea?"

"Maybe you should get a tattoo."

He furrows his brow, confused. He looks over at Stark. "Why?"

Tony shrugs, still writing gibberish on his fresh sketchbook pages. "Well, you want to leave the past behind you. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a memento of it. People get tattoos to move forward, or because they are drunk and stupid. But this may be a good idea."

"Huh, maybe."Steve says, thinking about what he could get. And than he smiles, knowing exactly what to get. "Give me back my sketchbook Stark, I'll draw up my tattoo."

Tony grins, "see I'm still a genius."

"Go away!!" He laughs, taking the book back, ripping out he page of math gibberish and handing it to the man. Tony laughs, "okay okay! But when you are done let me know, I know a good tattoo Artist!!"

He calls out his acceptance and begins to draw. Lighter and filled with more Hope than ever before. Excitement in his veins as he finally uses his art for more than wallowing and self pity. He simply draws. 

Anyways, once he was done, it took him a couple days and a lot of thinking before he does in fact goes to Stark. He gives Steve a number to call and a name to ask for and then he's off, Tony babbling about making a new security system for family homes. Steve doesn't care, he calls and talks to a bubbly woman that says how amazing this Jamie guy is and that he would be free at 6:30pm for a consultation. 

"Thank you ma'am." 

"Oh yeah no problem! But call me Jay! I'll see you soon and don't forget that drawing!!" She hangs up and he smiles at his phone. The drive to the tattoo parlor is quite far and he has about 40 minutes to get there. So he heads down to the garage beneath the tower and gets on his bike. Enjoying the ride down to Brooklyn. 

He takes a deep breath as he gets off his bike after parking. He looks at the tattoo parlor with the beautiful mural in the window of roses surrounding the name 'Needlepoint', the door has an open sign on it and when he opens the door, a girl pops her head out from behind a wall of beads and smiles. 

She's petite and adorable with vivid red and black hair that's braided away from her face and falls down her back. She sits in a wheelchair but what draws his attention is her glittery red heels. They are tall and pointy and catches the light. "I love your heels."

"Oh!" She says, surprised and her smiles is bright. "Thank you! They are my favorite and you could never go without glitter."

"Huh maybe I should add it to my wardrobe." Steve laughs. She nods, suddenly serious. She wheels up to him and pokes his stomach. He looks at her completely amused. 

"Dude you need a whole new wardrobe! Khakis really?" She says with a pout and he laughs. 

"Maybe I should get you to help me." 

"Definitely." She nods seriously. And then she spins in her wheelchair and over to a series of comfy couches with fluffy pillows and art hanging on the walls. "Can I see your tattoo design?"

"Of course." He pulls out his sketchbook from his backpack and flips to the page after the one of Bucky. He hands it to her and she looks over it intensely and it makes him oddly nervous. He scratches his hair and when she breaks out in a grin, he visibly lowers his shoulders. 

"It's beautiful, what pens did you use?"

"Uhm a Copic? I believe, Stark bought me a lot of stuff I didn't even know existed when he found out I draw." He says and she looks up, amused. She hands his sketchbook back.

"Huh must be nice to have a billionaire in your back pocket." She giggles after and than she's handing him her sketchbook before he could even respond. "Look this over for me?"

He nods and does as she asks while she calls out, "Jamie!! Your client is here!!"

She has talent, her penmanship flawless and the way she drew the snakes is remarkable. "What do you think?"

"It's gorgeous. I love the red eyes and the scales, wow."

"Oh thank you so much! Jamie actually gave me the idea for the red eyes." He smiles at her as she runs a finger with black nail polish neatly done on her nail over the snake eyes. Her happiness is contagious. And well it's nice not having someone acknowledge that he's Captain America in an extravagant way. It's nice being treated like any guy. 

Her dark sparkly eyes look up and she grins, "Jamie!"

He than turns around and his world stops. Everything moves in slow motion and relief hits him like a train. He's he's okay. His Bucky. He is okay. 

"Bucky?" The weight of that one word holds heavy like lead, keeping him solid to the floor as her sketchbook that sits in his hands tumble to the floor in slow motion. 

"Fuck." Bucky mutters, his eyes wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Howard Stark hit Tony when he came out as bi. Peggy protects Tony in the story and honestly I love the idea of Peggy being an aunt to Tony and so here we are. Tony tells Steve about the story and there is talk of homophobia and the struggles that come with being apart of the LGBTQ community. There is also offhanded comments about Homophobia in the 40s that could either get you killed, arrested or thrown in a psych ward from Steve.))
> 
> Tony deserves better my dudes and well I never really liked Howard and I hated that in the movies they made Howard out to be a good father that was simply neglectful. I see him in a different light and well remember this is just a story and my versions of the mcu doesn't make it actual canon.


	6. a thousand years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve talk; Loki and Tony become friends and Sleipnir is struggling with school

"One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you  
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

~~~~~~~  
James looks amazing. Fantastic even. And more beautiful than ever. With his grey eyes clear and lucid, familiarity within the swirling storms that hold so much pain and suffering it's almost impossible to bare. He isn't in that combat gear they put him in and his arm is covered up. He wears a black turtleneck with a knee length black cotton coat that looks soft to the touch. With jeans and black combat boots, he looks gorgeous. 

His metal hand is covered with a black leather glove but on his other hand there is tattoos. Lettering lines his jawbone and roses cover the cords of his neck. His eyebrows are thick and he is clean shaven. His long hair is half down with it tied back in a bun to keep from getting in his stormy eyes as he supposedly works. 

"You look..Bucky you look amazing." 

This must shock him because his eyes widen and his lips part. He bites his lip and looks down at the ground before turning to the front desk. 

"Uhh....Jamie...why is captain America calling you Bucky...?" Jay asks from behind him with a long drawl. 

He turns towards her, shocked that he has forgotten her presence. Bucky sighs from behind him and Steve smiles nervously at her, "uh I-"

"I'll talk to you after my consultation, Jay. Your answers will be met then. Come, Steve, we have much to discuss." Bucky says professionally with a gravel edge to his voice. Those are the first coherent sentences he has ever heard from the man in 70 years. And it burns. 

But his shock plays a bigger factor. Steve turns towards Bucky. The man doesn't look him in the eye, he simply moves behind the curtain of beads. Steve turns towards Jay and she shrugs, Steve sighs and follows after the love of his life. 

Past the beads, he sees five stations within the wide space. Four doors are at the end of the room and two other people occupy the space. They are all invested in their work however and do not pay them mind. Bucky moves towards the left corner closer to the wall of beads and picks up a clipboard, a pen that he tucked behind his ear and a starkphone. 

Bucky than walks to the far end of the room; Steve following after him like a puppy. He enters the fourth door and closes it behind them. It seems to be a private sterilized space for tattooing and possibly consultations by the sight of the couches and chairs in the far corner. 

A medical bed sits in the middle of the room with a stool with wheels and a cart with tattoo equipment on it. Art litters the walls and the floors are a dark wood. It's a nice room; comfortable and spacious with an artistic feel that would be comforting and distracting during the pain of the tattoo needle. 

Bucky moves to the couches and sits in a leather chair. Steve follows suit and sits on the couch, sinking into the seat. He notices at that moment that he forgot his sketchbook. "I-I forgot my sketchbook."

Bucky sighs, "it's fine, Steve."

"So you remember..." he whispers. 

Bucky looks up at him with piercing eyes that hold such sorrow, "yes. Not everything but enough."

"That's—thats..."

"Yeah." He finishes for him and they both sit in tense silence. Before Steve breaks it. 

"You are—you are a tattoo artist." He cringes at the horrible small talk and Bucky chuckles. Gesturing at the tattoos on his face and where they are; in a tattoo parlour that he works at. 

"It seems I am."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Steve suddenly says. It as if the question fell out of his mouth without prompting. It was simply there. And out in the open. 

Bucky tenses, clenching his jaw as he looks down at the floor. He looks up after a tense moment. "I wasn't ready."

Steve gulps, nodding. "I understand."

In these moments, he is so glad he talked to Sam and Natasha, Hell even Stark before this. Because well, without their guidance and wisdom, he would have fucked up by now. 

"You do?" Bucky asks, surprised. He tilts his head in an adorable matter and Steve smiles, so sincerely it hurts. 

"Of course. I'm not going to lie, it would have been easier knowing you were here safe in New York than searching everywhere, worried out of my mind—" Bucky looks down in guilt and pain but Steve trails on, "but, I get it. You barely know me now, right?"

"I-yes it...it is as if I am watching my life as a movie. It's impersonal, memories that feel as if it is not my own... but are..." Bucky mutters, trying to explain but gives up with a weary sigh. He looks away from Steve, fidgeting so. Steve feels so much anguish and pain for him. He suffered so much. 

"That makes sense." Steve says but it doesn't feel like enough. He pauses and makes a decision, "hi, I'm Steve Rogers."

Bucky looks shocked and startled by this. But he bites his lip and gives himself a determined nod. He holds out his hand and Steve takes it, "James Silver. People call me Jamie, well Jay calls me Jamie but you..you can call me Bucky. 

Steve's heart clenches within the confines of his rib cage. He simply smiles despite the ache in his heart as he squeezes Bucky's hand and lets go quickly before he holds on and doesn't let go. 

"Okay Bucky.." Steve swallows down the bile in his throat and whispers, "I'm happy you found safety here."

"Me too. Steve, I found a family. I have a life, a job. I'm not—I'm not an assassin, or the ghost of who I was, I'm not this broken being, not with my family. Not here." His eyes shine, watery and sparkle with love and sincerity. "I'm just James, James Silver." 

Steve has to hold back a sob.

He clears his throat and says with a raspy voice, "I'm happy for you."

"Thank you..." he whispers back with a smile that pierced Steve's heart. "I will tell you, I will show you my life, when I am ready."

"Of course, Bucky. Anytime, anything you need you got it." Steve replies. His inner self is screaming, crying out and wrecking havoc in his mind of how much he wants more than that. He wants to be there for Bucky now, he wants to fix things now. He wants. He wants. He wants. 

But it isn't about him. It isn't. It isn't. 

As much as it breaks him. 

Bucky writes down onto a piece of paper and rips it off, he hands it to Steve and on it is his phone number in Bucky's familiar scrawl. His eyes water, and a heaviness sits on his heart. He blinks away the tears and smiles at Bucky. 

"Thank you, thank you Bucky." Steve then pulls out his phone and types in the number, sending him a text saying it's Steve with a smiley face next to it. Bucky's phone vibrates on the clipboard and he picks it up. 

Bucky's smile lights up his face and he types onto the phone. "I'll just save this. I'll text you, you can—you can text me. I might answer at odd hours, I am fairly busy taking care of the kids during the day and—"

"Kids?" Steve asks, despite himself. 

Bucky blinks, he nods slowly. "they aren't mine; Biologically but they are mine, in my heart."

"I see...you are with someone?" Steve asks, it hurts it hurts it hurts. But he must remain strong. He closes his eyes as the question leaves his throat, incapable of looking at Bucky when he answers.

"It's a cover...I'm not, it's platonic."

Steve's eyes blink open and he stares at Bucky as he waves his hand with a wedding band on his finger. He clenches his jaw, breathing heavily. It's a cover. It's a cover. It's a cover. 

"It's easier this way...I couldn't be with this person, not in that way."

Steve nods slowly, breathing out in relief. This makes Bucky smirk to himself and Steve narrows his eyes at him, "what?"

"Nothing." Bucky says with a smirk, he didn't realize he missed so much. But it's gone in a flash and he misses it instantly. "Why why are you here?"

"I wanted a tattoo. You see, Stark he gave me some good advice. I haven't exactly been... it's been hard and well, he told me tattoos are a good way to find closure and healing." He explains, awkward. 

But Bucky nods in understanding. He taps his jaw, the place where the lettering sits in black ink. "I'm with you, until the end of the line."

Steve breaks at that moment. Tears fall and a pain in his forehead persists. His vision blurs and his breathing quickens. And before he knows it strong and comforting arms are wrapped around him. Steve sobs out, placing his head within the comforts of Bucky's neck, breathing in his familiar yet different scent of cider and cinnamon. 

"I'm sorry..." Steve whimpers and Bucky only runs his hand down Steve's back, shushing him. "It's okay... it's okay Stevie."

And another sob leaves his throat and Bucky only tightens his arms around him. 

It feels like coming home.

~~~~~~~~

"Tony Stark! You promised not to tell!" Loki exclaims through the phone after James came home and told her about his meeting with Steve. She scolds him with a hushed whisper as she sits on her bed, rocking Narfi as she does. He's sound asleep, with his pacifier in his mouth and his tiny hands curled into her black tank top. 

"K I didn't say a word. Cap wanted a tattoo and I told him I knew a guy. No promises broken."

Loki tsks, irritation washing through her. "That is a load of bullshit, Mister Stark and you know it!"

"Okay yeah maybe but you told me not to tell Thor, you didn't tell me not to tell Steve..."

"It was a given." She deadpans. 

"Well...well okay..." a sigh comes through her phone and she rolls her eyes in exasperation. "Okay...so my aunt Peggy she told me how much Steve loved Bucky.."

"Well yes of course they are best friends." She responds and he protests with a whine. 

"Noooo that's what Steve wanted people to think! Nooo he loves Bucky, like 'I would totally marry him and have your babies if I had the parts', kind of love."

This shocks her to her core. James, he never said anything of the sort and seemed lost just thinking about the man. 

She schools herself, pursing her lips and taking a deep breath before answering. 

"James would have told me if he was in a romantic relationship with Steve."

"Well you see its unrequited. Steve loves Bucky but he never told him."

"And why the hel not?!" She asks, her voice raising. Narfi snorts and she catches her breath, rocking him some more and lowering her voice once again. "Why wouldn't he?"

"Uhh it's called homophobia."

"Oh yes..." Loki sighs, understanding completely. Homophobia was a major challenge she herself had to fight. No one truly understood her on Asgard and she had to hide her true nature, so she would not have to endure ridicule and scorn or sully the Crown's name. she snorts, "Asgard has something similar."

"Ah see... see Stevie was scared and well Bucky is oblivious. Honestly, aunt Peggy said he looked jealous and intense around her... so you know...I thought..."

"Oh dear." Loki sighs, she clicks her tongue. "So you thought it'd be a good idea to play matchmaker, hmm?"

"And? Did it work?" Stark asks, barrelling over her question. She plays up a dramatic sigh but really she is smiling. She hums her response and Stark grumbles, "come on! I need a better answer than that!!!"

She rolls her eyes, amused and rocks her babe some more. "Maybe James isn't as...anxious as he was prior to meeting the fair captain.."

"YES!!" and she can picture Tony pumping a fist in the air and doing a little dance. It makes her laugh into her phone, light and carefree, suddenly relieving herself of her confusion, frustration and anger at the man. 

"Okay okay! Now I gotta find cap and demand more information!! Tata for now! Say hi to the kiddos for me!" Tony says, cheerful and excitable like a puppy. 

She laughs, "will do, Mister Stark. Goodnight." And she clicks end call soon after. Loki places her phone onto the bed and stands, maneuvering her son into a better position before placing him into his crib. She pulls his blue blanket over his tiny body, kisses his forehead and leaves her bedroom.

She checks first the triplet's bedroom. Creaking the door open, she pokes her head through. Fen is snoring into his pillow, his mouth open, Jory lays on the bunk bed curled up in a ball on his heat pad, cradling his stuffed snake toy and Hela is humming in her sleep, her face turned towards her flower lamp next to her bed with her hand holding her bucky bear's . Loki whispers a protection spell into the air before leaving the room with a soft click of the door shutting.

She checks Sleipnir and Peter's bedroom, finding Sleipnir passed out on his bed with his glasses still perched on his nose, shoes still on his feet and his laptop laying on his chest. She shakes her head fondly, stepping into the room she pulls off her son's black runners, placing them neatly by the foot of his bed. She takes his laptop, turning it off and placing it on the nightstand, she pushes her son further on the bed and under his soft fluffy green blanket. He snuffles in his sleep, turning and curling into the soft blanket. She smiles, taking off his glasses and placing them on his nightstand before kissing his forehead; whispering a protection spell, she leaves his room as well. 

Loki hums as she walks down the stairs, finding Peter and James on the couch together. Peter is using a screwdriver on James' arm as the man simply smiles and talks quietly, "he was oddly understanding."

"Hmm, that's good right?" Peter asks as he works with intense concentration. 

"Yes of course...but I was expecting something different."

Loki smiles, moving into the living room and sitting down on the black chair to the left of James. "You were expecting him to barrel in and demand you to come with him to The tower and force you to leave this life behind as he consistently calls you Bucky."

James laughs, nodding as he regards Peter slyly. "She's good."

"Well, it is Loki." Peter chirps back as he begins to connect and twist wires that reside within Bucky's metal arm. 

"I am indeed." Loki whispers with a wistful smile. "And how do you feel about this man, James dear?"

He frowns, looking over at her as she crosses her legs and leans back into the chair. "what do you mean?"

"I mean do you have feeling for the man?" 

Peter chortles and James blushes deep red, scowling. "Loki..."

She sighs, "James dear, I am simply curious and well, if you did I believe it would be good for you."

She watches as James simply sits, while Peter works away, staring out at a speck of dust on the floor with utmost intensity. She smirks, taking a sip of tea before asking Peter how school has been going for him. 

He groans in response, "it's been such a pain, Loki! Sleip is struggling, I am too. They are pushing a huge work load on us because of mid terms."

"Hmm, is that why my son fell asleep working on his homework?" She says with a weary sigh. 

He nods, picking up another tool as James still stares off into space. "There's this assignment about world history. We have to write a paper about totalitarianism. Sleip... he's struggling with writing it—he gets the information but writing it? It's been a challenge. Especially since typing is so tedious and his hands aren't cooperating."

She swears in her mother tongue under her breath. She was indeed worried about this. Biting her lip, she runs her hands through her hair as Peter continues. "MJ and I have been helping. But he's been getting frustrated with it."

That's what pulls James out of it, he jerks his head up and sighs, "what can we do to help him?"

She gives James a surprised look and he shrugs in response. Peter answers, "I don't know. He wants to do it all on his own, you know? We try to help but he gets frustrated and angry and then non-verbal." 

Loki hums, stewing in her own thoughts. She wants to help her son, badly...painfully. He deserves so much better. He is smart, a genius in his own right for someone who did not speak until the age of 14. She wishes she knew what she could do to help, but technology isnt exactly her strongest suit. She is smart with it yes but not to the point where she could come up with a solution that doesn't involve magic. Her son doesn't want to use magic for school. He believes that it is a form of cheating and that if the other kids don't have magic then he shouldn't either. 

She takes a sip of her tea and curls further into the couch, wiggling her toes clad in green fuzzy socks, Peter gave her one day. She spins her ring around her finger as she thinks, plots. 

Peter finishes up with James' arm and cleans up his tools before wrapping his red fluffy blanket around James' broad shoulders. The older man gives Peter a smile of thanks as peter nods in response. He ruffles James' hair and then stands up, carrying his black box of supplies. He gives Loki a kiss on the cheek and bids them goodnight before heading upstairs. She smiles after the young boy and says softly, "Sweet dreams, Peter. And no patrol tonight!!" 

A groan of protest rings through her ears and she snickers, He peaks his head out from the railing of the staircase and says, "But Loki..." 

"No. You were jst complaining about how school has been exhausting you and your mind, you need your rest." 

"Listen to Loki, kid." James adds, peaking his eyes out from his warm blankets. 

He sighs, bobbing his head and continues up the stairs, "okay Loki. Night Jamie!" 

"Night kid." James responds before sinking into the cushions of the couch. She smiles at him and he eyes her with a huff, "okay ask away, you little shit." 

Loki giggles, leaning her head against the back of the chair and asks, "okay so is it true? Do you have feelings for the good captain?" 

"Isn't this suppose to be weird? Me talking about my non existing love life to my fake wife?" 

She rolls her eyes, giving him a deadpanned look. He laughs, shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. "It was worth a shot." 

"You are not getting out of this James. Now yes or no?" 

James looks forward, his head lowered as he plays with the hem of the fraying blue blanket on his lap. "I think...I remember this warm feeling...in my memories whenever he is involved. I-I dont think it was ever requited..or I just don't remember but I think I would have, have remembered that!" 

Loki snorts, nodding with a raised brow. The captain is a specimen that would be worth remembering. 

"I-I think I always loved him. Ever since I was a kid. I pretended I didn't, picking up dames and dancing with them at every turn. Being such a...a playboy? Playboy I think is the word. I never got with them because there was this scrawny kid in my heart that I couldn't shake, you know? " As James talks his Brooklyn accent grows stronger, as does the twinkle in his eyes and the soft smile on his lips. He shakes his head fondly, "he was perfect, even when I couldn't remember his name... I saw glimpses of him in my mind and was dumbstruck whenever I went too long between...sessions... Anyways with his blond golden hair and his stubbornness and his big blue eyes. He was perfect and the only one that kept me goin' for what feels like to be over a thousand years." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And all along I believed, I would find you  
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years  
I'll love you for a thousand more..."

~Christina Perri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter, I hope you enjoy!! I updated the tags because I kinda forgot to add some of the mental illnesses they all have but yeah, I really like this chapter hope you did too! See you next time :)


	7. can you hold me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going well...and then they simply are not. 
> 
> Tony comes to help pick up the pieces of a horrible day within the Silver family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi Guys!! Thank you all for the support on my story, I have big plans for this and i am hoping to keep with it. Please send 'no writer's block' luck my way and maybe I'll actually be able to finish a ff lol :) anyways please enjoy and see you all next chapter!!

"Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms  
I don't wanna be nowhere else  
Take me from the dark, from the dark  
I ain't gonna make it myself  
Put your arms around me   
Let your love surround me  
I am lost..."

~~~~~~~

Everything seems to be going well for the Silvers, well for the most part. Bucky has been holding back from Steve and Steve has been respecting the distance, for the most part. 

Loki has been busy with her show while all of this has been happening, training consistently and doing her best to make every performance better than the last. She has two shows left and she has been quite stressed out about it. She has longer hours, later hours and it seems to be affecting the kids. She comes home and gets mauled by her children. It doesn't help that Bucky has been trying to maintain good hours while taking care of the kids in her absence. She works from 4 to 8 and on the weekends 2 to 9. All the while Bucky has been working from 9 to 4 on weekdays, Sleip and Peter babysitting for the hour before Bucky gets home and the kids get off the bus from school. On the weekends he has been working from home on designs when he can and doing a couple hours in the parlor when hes booked for a consult or a session. He hasn't been making as much money but his boss is understanding thankfully. But it has not been easy in every way. Especially when the kids have begun to act up. 

Peter and Sleipnir have been struggling with babysitting when they have been trying to keep up with homework as well. Especially with the concerns regarding this new essay, Peter was talking about. When Bucky and Loki manage to be home at the same time--usually later at night, they help the boys. Giving them insight on totalitarianism with their first hand knowledge for their essays. Loki has been spending time with Sleip, encouraging him to keep trying and researching ways to help make it easier on her kid. It's been a slow going but efficient process...for the most part. 

Hela has been struggling to get up in the morning, many mornings consisting of tantrums and crying and screaming before Loki and Bucky manage to get her to school dressed with all her things. It has been a struggle for them to manage and she won't tell them what has been up. She is usually so cheerful and excited, seeing her miserable, grumpy and irritable is not a great sight. 

Other than her struggles, the other triplets and Narfi have been doing quite well...for the most part. 

One day Loki was up all night with Narfi. He was fussy and crying, won't take his bottle or sleep or play, only demanding to be held and bounced. And when the boy is not crying and screaming, he is quiet, non-responsive and regarding Fen with fear and anger. So when they finally manage to get him to sleep....Loki and Bucky sit at the table, drinking wine and trying to figure out what is wrong. 

"He may have had a nightmare..." Bucky suggest and she sighs, knowing it is the most likely reason for his behavior. A tear drips down her cheek and she brushes it away before he can see it; standing up and heading to the kitchen to do the dishes. 

Fen and Jory seem to be doing well, however. Fen has been drawing more...less likely to shape shift due to his baby brother's reaction and more broody than usual, but he has been doing well in school! you know...for the most part. Jory has been working through his lisp and been reading Shakespeare kind of obsessively. James found it amusing. The boy is so young and a genius nonetheless. "He takes after his mama." She always snorts at that with a proud smile on her lips. 

They are all managing! Its a process that has been working, everything has been working out....for the most part. 

Until they just don't. 

It was an odd day off, for both Bucky and Loki. Loki has a performance tomorrow and Bucky decided to take the day to design a tattoo for a new client. They were all sitting in the living room. Well, Loki was and James too. James sitting on the couch, curled up in a red oversized hoodie and his favorite skull pajama pants with his feet tucked in bright pink socks as he worked on a design; his hair in a bun on top of his head and a blue coffee mug in his metal hand. Peter was on the floor in front of them, building a lego set. Sleipnir was in his room and the triplets were playing in the backyard. Narfi napping in the baby cradle next to Loki, as she sat on her favorite leather chair, drinking tea and scribbling notes all over her script. She wears knee high black socks with little bows and kitten pajama shorts with a turtle neck. Her hair up in a bun, matching James. Loki smiles at her baby who snoozes in his blue onesie, snuffling softly with his hand in his mouth. She soon turns away to look down at her script laying in front of her. 

It's covered in red ink and yellow highlighting, with notes scribbled along the sides and emphasis underlined beneath some words aggressively. She has been struggling with a scene in the show, no one has yet to notice but she does and it bothers her. 

She bites her lip and thinks about how she could convey the emotion properly. It's the end scene where all the ones that die end up singing together for the final number and she is uncertain as to how her character should be feeling. Relief? Peace? Clarity? 

All of those emotions seem dull. They died! How is that...how does that warrant peace? 

She takes another sip of her tea, a blend she found of vanilla and lavender earl grey. God she loves Midgard, such creative beings with fantastic tea and other creations she has enjoyed immensely.

"What are you working on Loki?" Peter asks as he organizes the legos by colour. 

"Oh a scene...end of the play, a musical number where all the deceased sing.... 'do you hear the people sing? Singing a song of angry men...it is the music of the people who will not be slaves again'..." she sings softly, emphasizing angry with a deeper note and nodding in content, circling the word with red. Making a note of her discovery. 

James gives her a smile, breaking out of his brooding to acknowledge her singing. James has always found delight and peace within her song, when it is a bad night for him she would sing and he would look into his cup of hot cocoa with a peaceful smile. 

She returns his smile. "It is causing me strife."

"Why?" James asks gruffly. 

"Because I feel like the emotion is lacking and I'm uncertain as to why. What am I missing? What should I change?" She huffs down at her messy script, brushing a stray piece of hair away from her eyes. 

"Hmm everyone seemed at peace in that scene when we saw it, opening night."

"Yes." She huffs, "that is the problem. I feel like something is missing. Would someone simply be at peace at death? Loosing everything within a blink of an eye." She snaps her fingers, grumbles and runs her hands through her hair again, "And you are okay with it? Found peace with it...? It seems wrong. Off."

"You died." 

She bobs her head up, suddenly pulled out of the swirling letters and markings of red and yellow and black. A moment of confusion as she leaves the anxiety, irritation and frustration in the pages of her script, away from her. Even for a moment. She asks, "pardon me?"

"You died." Peter says with a shrug, "You said you died on safaltalheim."

"Svaltalfheim." 

"Yeah that....you died and you went to Hel where you got Hela back and met the Lady Death. How did YOU feel in that moment?" Peter gives her a smile at her dumbfounded expression before returning to his lego set. Bucy snorts and she gives him a look; he smiles knowingly as he continues drawing with a red pen. She narrows her eyes at him and he shrugs as if saying, 'the kid is smart, whatcha gonna do 'bout it,' in that aggravating know-it-all Brooklyn accent. 

She looks down at her script, the words blurring together; reds, yellows and black ink swirling together in a mind-numbing way that leaves her entranced within her own thoughts. 

Until a high pitched scream startles her out of her thoughts and into reality. Bucky jumps up off the couch, his eyes narrowing and lips falling into a blank frown. The odd yet frightening picture of Bucky turning into the soldier while dressed in pajamas and pink socks. Loki curses, racing away as Peter hurries to clean up his legos before regarding the soldier.

She runs into the backyard just as Fen shape shifts, a snarl sounding through the yard as he runs in circles around Hela who sits on the ground with a dead bird in her lap. She sobs, screeches and screams, echoing into the day. Her eyes are puffy with tears and her hands clutch the bird painfully to her small frame that is covered in dirt, grass and blood. Jory turns away from the scene, sees Loki and runs towards her. He jumps just as he shape shifts, turning into a snake and wrapping himself around her neck. Her hand lifts, shaking so as she pets her son's scaley skin in an attempt to calm him down. She makes her way over to her daughter as James and Peter enter the scene. Fen automatically growls and tries to get Loki, James and Peter away to no avail. Peter sits down and coos calmly at Fen; her pup slowly comes closer to Peter, growling softly before nuzzling against Peter's hand; then scurrying away and into the garden by the tree with the wooden swing. 

Peter stands as Loki picks up Hela. She screams, crying and sobbing in her native tongue all the while not letting go of the bird with white knuckles. She carries her inside as James follows as a steady guard. Peter nervously fumbles. She sighs in relief at the sight of the clean floor and the lack of dangerous lego pieces laying stray on the floor; she sits down on the ground as Hela's scream grow louder. Her hands shake and Loki pets her baby's hair, cooing reassurances; not as if it helps any. James begins pacing and she finally notices Sleip clumsily picking up Narfi as he joins in Hela's cries. 

"oh norns..." Loki whispers, Peter takes Narfi from Sleip as her son mutters incoherently, pulling at his hair and moving with gangly limbs. fuck fuck fuck. Think Loki think...

She nods her head after a moment of quiet contemplation. She spells the house soundproof so the neighbors do not call the cops. She holds Hela tightly as she gives demands in a steady yet quiet voice. "Sleip, love, go to the backyard, sit on the steps and watch Fen. James follow him." 

Sleip continues muttering, "addd...aasllll....," but listens and heads to the backyard with James holding him up. 

She then looks to Peter and Narfi, Peter bounces Narfi as he sobs louder and louder. His head tucked into Peter's shoulder, his tiny hands clutching with a tight grip. "take..take Narfi upstairs and sing to him.." 

"But Loki I can't--" Peter stutters helplessly as he looks down at Hela. 

"It doesn't matter if you cannot sing, just do it...he doesn't care he just needs that." Peter gulps but nods and heads to the staircase. She takes a deep breath and begins to rock her daughter, tucking her head into her baby's hair and whispering reassurances. Jory growing tighter and tighter. 

"Hela baby, its okay.. its okay... what happened baby..." 

Her sobs grow louder and Loki cries internally as well, she kisses her head and tightens her hold. Hela's eyes never leaving the dead bird within her arms, her baby grows colder and colder in Loki's hold and she has to hold back a shudder as Jory simply tightens once more. 

"Hela...love, you have to--" let go.. "You have to breathe... breathe with me, baby." 

breathe with me.... 

~~~~~~~~~~  
After weeks of talking to Loki on the phone and hearing about her day and how the kids are, he finally decided to look at the mythology. He felt like he didn't know enough. Yes, most likely it is all a load of bullshit..but all the names are correct and accurate, so might as well do research. 

But what he found...had him shaking and turning to the bottle. He stored up in his workshop and hid. He kept reading the myths, seeing if most of it was accurate or not. He was tempted to consult Thor on his opinion and his knowledge, but decided against it. If he....he was that cruel and unjust as he was in the myths that he is in real life? He couldn't trust him to be anywhere near Loki and her family. Jarvis did even further research, finding information the internet was fairly lacking but none of it left him satisfied. 

When he decided not to think about it all, he would create a security system for the Silvers. They worked and worked fucking well----tony stark guarenteed but...He still felt off... how could one security system help with the fuck ton of trauma this family has experienced? 

So he decided, he can't just sit here anymore. He can't keep worrying about what was real and what was fake. He feels horrified and the only way to make himself feel better is installing the security system, give the kids hugs and care and....ask if Loki was willing to share her story. 

He was scared, if any of it was any close to reality...He wouldn't want to tell a once enemy the story either. 

But after talking himself in and out of going he finally gave him. Tony thought, what the hell? He hasn't really visited Loki and her adam's family since the first time. They have talked on the phone frequently, oddly gaining a beautiful friendship. But Loki hasn't exactly invited him over but he wants to install a new security system!! So he might as well just go over. Right? right. She'd appreciate it and he does have toys for the shape shifting kiddos. 

He nods, gaining courage as he drives his car down the suburban street. He hasn't told anybody about Loki; well Rhodey and Pepper think he found a girl since he won't stop talking about 'Lorna', Lorna this, Lorna that! It isn't that bad, guys, geeshhh. But it is better than them scolding him for befriending Loki; you know the crazy bag of cats Loki that fucked up his mind a bit--not in that way. But still! 

Cap, he technically told but Loki doesn't need to know he admits to that. But Tony couldn't take one. more. day. of cap walking around mopey and sad and being crazy and risky on missions trying to find his pal! So no one could really blame him!! 

The itsy bitsy spider is gaining suspicion though, since Cap is being happy and bouncy and optimistic for once. She hates it because Stevie won't tell her why. The other avenging pals are so tired and eating all his pizza--or pop tarts and venturing through his ventilation system or joyously talking to Jane through the magical talking phone!--To even notice suspicious behavior. So, everything is okay. Everything is under control. And Stevie still gets a romance and Tony is the benevolent god that says simply, 'you're welcome you oldies.' 

He parks in front of the adorable domestic home that looks nothing like a place for brainwashed assassins and Norse Gods with children that can shape shift. But appearances can be deceiving. 

He opens the door to his fancy Audi. He exits with grace, grabbing the gifts and equipment from the passenger seat before closing the doors and locking the car. He walks up the steps with a beat to his step, he brushes his hair back and rings the doorbell. After a couple tense moments where he nearly talks himself back into his car and back to the tower; the door opens. Sleip looks tired with bags under his glazed green eyes as he leans heavily against the door. That's when he hears the crying and his eyes widen. James is standing behind Sleipnir; looking off into space with a deadly protective expression on his face. Oh shit. 

"Hey Sleip... James... may I come in?" 

Sleip is about to open the door when James steps forward, holding the door with his metal arm and a grunt. Sleip mutters, "s ok...f-f-iend."

Usually he would take offence to being called a fiend, even accidentally, he would crack a joke and laugh but...Sleip barely able to form a sentence is concerning. The kid wobbles as James lets go of the door, nodding his head. Sleip opens it--well he nearly falls over as he does so. Tony catches him as he enters the house. James closes the door, deadbolt and all as Tony struggles to hold up the lanky teen on his shaking legs. James moves to Sleip's other side and helps Tony and Sleip make it to the living room--cries growing louder as they get closer and closer. 

Sleip mutters again, "otsde.. a--alla oside..." 

James seems to understand and takes Sleip out to the screen doors and outside to sit on the step. Tony takes a glance outside and sees Fen in his wolf form, ripping into a flower bed. He cringes at the sight but turns towards Loki. Loki who is kneeling on the floor with Hela screaming in her arms as a dead bird is held tightly to the girl's chest. A snake is wrapped---oh tightly...like really tightly around Loki's neck where the goddess looks slightly blue. Loki catches Tony's eyes, her eyes wide and watery as she rocks her baby. Her lips are blue and her breathing is off. fuck. 

After placing his equipment and the gifts on a nearby chair; Tony hurries forward, kneeling down beside them. His hand on Loki's back as he attempts to coax Jory to loosen up so he doesn't accidentally kill his mother. He holds a hand out to the baby snakes face, his red beady eyes glaring at tony. "come on, Jory kid. Come on, buddy." 

He hisses at him before he nuzzles his head against Loki's face. Loki bites her lip and shakes his head, she looks down at Hela and back at him with a helpless look. Tony clenches his teeth but nods, slightly determined. He looks down at Hela, her face is pressed against the bird as sobs leave her lips. He cringes, it's not exactly sanitary... 

"Hela?" 

The girl tenses for a moment before lifting her head, he smiles down at her even as his heart breaks. She looks up at him with red rimmed eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks, whimpers leaving her. 

"Hela, can I give you a hug? I think you deserve a hug." He asks her as he extends his arms out towards her. She gives him a weary look then slowly moves into his arms--not letting go of the bird. Loki's shoulders sag as Hela curls into his chest. He wraps his arms around her as she whimpers into his stomach. Tony rocks her slightly as Loki begins to coax Jory--successfully to wrap around her wrist instead. He curls around her hand and she smiles, sadly. She strokes his head and looks up at Tony. 

Tony mouths to her, "Where is Peter?" 

She grimaces, "upstairs with Narfi." 

He nods his head. Tony looks back down at Hela as he tightens his hold. "What's wrong baby girl? Why don't you tell me what happened?" 

Loki tenses in the corner of his eyes but Hela nods against him and begins to speak in a language he doesn't understand. Tony looks to Loki for guidance and Loki translates in a soft low voice, holding Jory against her chest. "They were playing in the backyard when a bird fell from the big tree. He died as soon as he hit the ground and----I couldn't hear the rest." 

He nods, stroking her beautiful hair that is mussed all up. "And what, what happened after, huh kid?" 

She whines, shaking her head. He grimaces as he says, "sometimes...talking about it will make you feel a bit better? I know it is hard...I am quite bad at it myself, but it does do you some good." 

She snuffles, lifting her translucent hand and clutching at his shirt with a death grip. Assuming that isn't a good sign, he continues." Okay, that's okay. You are okay..." He lifts his head and scans the room. Maybe if he gets her comfortable and...oh that could work. "okay why don't we go sit on the couch, huh? That couch looks pretty comfy, huh Lokes? Comfy couch right?" 

Loki slightly confused, shrugs and says, "I suppose it is." 

"Your mama thinks its comfy. How about you, Hela?" 

She lifts her head away from the bird and his stomach and looks at the leather couch that has a couple throw blankets and pillows littered across its surface. "uh..huh it comfy.." 

"Really? Well lets go sit on it, okay? I'm going to carry you, is that okay?" She bobs her head, stroking the feathers of the bird. He lifts her on three and Loki stands as well. He makes his way to the couch and asks her to get Hela her favorite stuffed toy and loki nods, offering tea or hot cocoa. Tony automatically chooses cocoa because obviously! 

She scurries off with Jory as he settles into the couch, Hela on his chest, once again stroking the bird. At least she isn't screaming and crying as loud. He pulls a fluffy green blanket--because of course it is green--around her little shoulders and she snuggles in. He begins to babble after waiting too long and hating the silence too much with only far off cries and sniffing and whimpering to break it. "We all have bad days, you know that kiddo? Stevie, Jamie boy's best pal, either works out like Hercules or he would sit on the roof of my tower, drawing. He is pretty good, do you draw?" 

She doesn't answer but he continues on his spiel. "I can't really draw myself, but it seems James is good. Anyways, Legolas, my dear ole archer, he crawls through my ventilation system like a little weirdo. Once he fell through our roof! Peps was pretty angry and when she is angry or upset, she puts her feet up and I massage them like a good dude would and vents to me--not going to lie, i don't really listen. But she appreciates it anyways. Itsy bitsy spider will usually steals our clothes, mostly Thor's or Steve's but once she stole my favorite Black Sabbath hoodie! I was irritated so as pay back I wore her pink sweater that she wears only on special occasions! I don't really know what Thor does, he isn't around enough but he has ate all the pop tarts that are in every kitchen I own, it is kind of ridiculous..." 

Hela suddenly interrupts and asks, "What..what do you do..?" 

He pauses, looking down at her. She looks up at him with her wide green and red eyes, he scoffs with a friendly smile. "I binge work. I work for hours---or days on my suit in my lab with JARVIS and ACDC to keep me company!" 

"oh." She whispers, he sighs. "The point is, it is okay that you had a bad day. It is okay to cry and let it out and cope in your own way." 

Loki returns then and she gives him a questioning look as she places the hot cocoa---one cup in a pink sippy cup--- on the side table next to him. She kneels down in front of her daughter and puts a bucky bear in her arms. She cries out in happiness and squeezes the bear against her chest, letting go of the bird. Loki gasps and gives Tony a look. He looks back at her with equally as wide eyes. He urges her to take the bird and Loki does, bringing him to the backyard. 

"Even the strong breaks sometimes...It is okay and just know, it get's easier, kiddo. You'll squeeze Bucky bear here one moment and cry into his fur and the next you will be smiling and laughing and singing frozen." 

She nods against his fur and he smiles, remembering his own bucky bear fondly. But he will never ever, tell Barnes that. He refuses. Loki soon returns with Fen in her arms, he is still a wolf but looks tired, and will whimper and whine. She sighs, sitting next to Tony and letting Fen curl up against his sister on Tony's lap. He feels slightly alarmed but relaxes after Loki gives him a reassuring look. She coos at Jory who begins to fidget. She grabs at a white heaating pad connected to a cable that lays stray against the arm rest of the sofa and turns it on. She places it on her lap and lets her baby snake curl up against the heat. She strokes his scales and looks at Tony with a thankful tired smile. 

He returns it. Until he feels slightly awkward and coughs, looking down at the two babies and asks, "Hela? Could you tell me what happened, hon?" 

She sighs, kissing Fen on his head before sitting up. She wipes her eyes and Loki can't help but lift a hand and stroke her cheek. She leans into her touch and sighs, her nose twitches and she whispers, "I saw his soul...leave and fade away as he--he died." She cries softly and Fen whines, nuzzling against her cheek. 

holy shit.. that's wow... 

Loki looks heartbroken and Tony must look the same for he certainly feels like shit. He--he couldn't imagine. 

"That must have..wow kiddo that must have been difficult for you." She nods, her hands shaking as she strokes Fen. "You are strong as hell..." 

She giggles at that in an exhausted manner; Loki strokes her small hand and asks with a voice he would never expect to here from Loki---well before, before he knew she had children. "Did it remind you, love, of your time with your god mother?" 

She nods, a whimper leaving her lips, "The birds weren't...weren't birds down there...they didn't have feathers and I...couldn't feel their joy.. they were like me and godmother...skeletons." 

Tony shivers, letting himself for a moment feel horror and fear before pushing it down, down deep so he doesn't have an existential crisis in front of this shell shocked family. He instead focuses on his sympathy and sadness for her life. Hoping and planning to help Loki make this little girl's life better, and brighter...and well, alive. 

Loki nods her head, stroking her finger against the bones that are visible through her transparent skin. Hela says after a moment, "Godmother said that the only thing...we could do to help make it easier...for the---" She shivers and moves on, "We care for them and love them and make sure they are at peace...only I am here...living while they are dead." 

His eyes widen and Loki cries out, she pulls her daughter into a squeezing hug, mumbling over and over again, "no baby no...don't feel guilty...dont please baby.." Hela moves away, wiping away her mothers tears while Loki continues, "Your godmother sent you here, to live and not to feel guilty for it. All the---all the people and living creatures that passed have lived their lives until their final days. You didn't have that chance baby...You deserve that chance, that is why you are here." 

Tony feels slightly confused but he pushes away his curiosity and focuses on the beautiful scene. He feels touched and shocked and slightly...feel like he understands Hela. All Tony ever feels is guilt. 

After a moment of the two hugging and Jory and Fen shape shift back into little boys, with bright tired eyes and warm hugs; they all curl together on the couch drinking hot cocoa and watching monsters inc (one of the few disney movies without a death scene). They giggle and laugh and Loki leaves for a moment to get James, Sleipnir, Peter and Narfi. They soon return, all equally exhausted. 

Sleipnir is still non-verbal but less clumsy. He curls up on the floor with Narfi in his lap, the baby dozing while bundled up in a fluffy yellow onsie and a soother in his mouth. He throws a blanket over his lap with Hela playing with his hair from her little perch on Tony's lap. James sits on a leather chair, with Fen on his lap and huddled under a mountain of blankets. He isn't the winter soldier anymore but he's quiet and a fear sits within the orbs of his stormy eyes. But he looks calm and content, to just sit here with Fen playing with the strings of his hoodie and wrapped in blankets. Peter joins Tony's side, curling into his side and tucking his legs up. He looks exhausted and thankfully soon falls asleep on Tony's shoulder. Loki looks happy--sadness only lingering in her eyes but she holds Jory on her lap and has Sleipnirs hand in hers. 

It is peace, even for a moment. And he is gonna savor it. 

~~~~~~~~

At the stroke of ten, she goes upstairs with James to put her kids to bed, leaving Tony, Peter and Sleipnir in the living room. She carries Jory and Hela and James carries Fen and Narfi. James lays Fen on his bed and leaves soon later to put Narfi in his crib while Loki lays Hela down and she whimpers into her Bucky bear. She places Jory into his bed above Hela's, turning on his heat pad and tucking him in with his mountains of blankets. She kisses his forehead and he sighs in his sleep, curling into his pillow. She then kneels, brushing back Hela's hair from her head and she looks up at him with weary sleepy eyes. Loki pulls her blankets up over her form and turns on her flower nightlight. She leans over and kisses her forehead, "Sweet dreams, love." 

"I love you, modir." She whispers and Loki smiles, kissing her forehead again. 

"And I you."

She stands as Hela turns in her bed and cuddles in, closing her beautiful eyes to rest. Loki turns just as James returns, he goes and gives his goodnights to the other two while Loki kisses Fen's head and tucks his blankets in and around him. He snuffles in his sleep and Loki brushes her thumb against his furrowed forehead, releasing the tension in his head before placing a kiss there. She whispers her love and then stands up to leave. James says his goodnight to Fen as Loki leaves to say her goodnights to Narfi. 

Sleipnir and Peter trudge up the stairs as she does, Loki looks over before entering her bedroom. She feels saddened at the sight of Sleip barely making it up the stairs. If it weren't for Peter, Loki worries he wouldn't have been able to. She takes Sleips other side and they head to the boy's shared room. She hugs Sleip tight, and he grips onto her shirt, "Iasd..." 

She leans away, brushing his hair away from his forehead, she gives his forehead a kiss and whispers her love. He makes an incoherent comment back that probably means he loves her in return. She lets him go and lets him crawl into bed. She then turns to Peter and envelopes him in a hug, "thank you for your help with Narfi, lovely, I know that must have been difficult for you." 

Peter shrugs his shoulders and Loki kisses his forehead as well, "I love you, my little spider." 

"I love you too, Loki..." He whispers back and then hugs her once again. She squeezes him and kisses his tussled brown curls, he asks, "Will Hela be okay?" 

"Yes she will, do not worry, love. We will talk about everything tomorrow, okay?"

He nods and then crawls into his own bed. She turns off the lights and closes the door before returning to her task of checking on Narfi---and James if she thinks about it. She steps into her room and heads to the crib. She turns on the mobile above his head and pulls the blankets further over his little form. Narfi is fast asleep and breathing steadily. She brushes her fingers over his smooth soft cheek and then kisses his forehead as well. She turns and sees James, he stands hunched over and hugging himself. She softens and steps forward, hugging him as well. 

He tenses for a moment and then relaxes, breathing into her hair. She whispers, "it is okay, James." 

"It isn't..I could have hurt one of you..." 

Loki scoffs moving away and rubbing his shoulders, "you wouldn't. The soldier wouldn't." 

"You can't believe---" 

"James, you have to accept that side of you and accept that we are just as much of a family for the soldier as we are for you." 

He huffs, running his hands through his hair and nods tersely. She sighs, pulling him into another hug. He squeezes her shoulders and she takes comfort in the hug as much as he does because she may have had to stay relatively strong all day, doesn't mean it didn't effect her. He pulls away and opens the door. They leave the room quietly and Bucky heads to his bedroom. It was Narfi's old nursery, they all decided Narfi isn't going to care what room he sleeps in but Bucky will. He squeezes her shoulder, "I am going to write in my journal. Night Loki." 

"Goodnight James." He gives her a smile and leaves, closing the door behind him. She takes a breath, letting herself finally relax and let the exhaustion of the day hit her. She feels run down and a piece of her heart broke and it aches like a wound left to fester. Loki bites her lip, to keep herself from crying and steals herself. Time to talk to Tony. 

"can you hold me...  
can you hold me....  
can you hold me in your arms..?"  
~NF


	8. hurts like hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki talks about her past with Tony; specifically when she fell in love for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter...fuck its sad my dudes, its really sad. Svadilfari is good?ish in this story, not a typically version of the story or one that has even been created but I felt like doing something much less morbid than the actual norse myths call for. And its my story so yenno, I can do what I want. 
> 
> but a bit of warning is called for, there is a death, childbirth though both are not explicit and detailed. And its really sad, warning for evil odin and asshole thor but I hope you like it. 
> 
> Its really dramatic and sad and Loki shows emotions, its time for that you know? 
> 
> Anyways hope you like this chapter and happy belated thanksgiving to all canadian readers like me :)

"How can I say this without breaking  
How can I say this without taking over  
How can I put it down into words  
When it's almost too much for my soul alone

I loved, and I loved and I lost you..."

~~~~~~~~~

Loki and Tony sat on the outside step of her home. Her home. What a concept... Loki never felt like he belonged somewhere. Somewhere that was his ever. Not in Asgard, not with his past lovers and definitely not on Jotunheim. But here? Midgard, of all places. This was home with her abundance of children, her adopted superhero and fake husband. It was everything and she would be damned if she would let it be taken away. And after the display with Tony and Hela...she wouldn't lie to herself and say that he was apart of her new home as well. A special addition that deserves its recognition. And for his behavior and his kindness and remarkable treatment of Loki's children? She will tell him her story. 

They sat on the steps, blankets wrapped around their shoulders and cups of tea and coffee cradled in their hands as they watch the sun fall and darkness enter in its wake. She clinks her rings against her mug in rhythm as she bites her lip, thinking of a way to explain. 

"You don't have to tell me your story. You know that, right?" Tony says, breaking the silence. She looks over at him in surprise, she shakes her head and gives him a kind smile. She tucks her hair behind her ear and sighs. 

"No I must. I-I want you to hear it. You have the right to it and well..." She looks over at him and he looks back with his whiskey eyes. "I appreciate what you did for my family. It was a bad day for all of us involved including myself and you swept in here and...helped. Thank you." 

Tony squirms, looking away with a red blush spreading across his cheeks. She can't help but smile fondly at it. He looks back and shrugs, "It was nothing...and well, I came here to set up a security system I created for you." 

"What?" She asks, confused. 

He shrugs again, taking a sip of his coffee before saying, "Well, I thought a security system for a family like yours would be a good idea to create. And well, you guys will be able to try it out and I'll probably sell more through SI. But since you have so many enemies, people you don't want anywhere near your family. A security system would be fitting." 

A warmth spreads within her chest and she gawks at him like a fish, she blubbers, completely thrown off balance as he gives her a nonchalant smirk that is completely fine with throwing butterflies into her stomach and warmth spread within her rather cold soul. She takes a sip of her tea to compose herself and give her a chance to think of something to say. And when she is put back together, controlled and nonchalant much like Tony; she says, "We have a magic wards in place for that sort of thing.." 

He rolls his eyes, "yes I figured but there's nothing wrong with being extremely prepared, right?" 

She laughs, shaking her head with a fond smile, "I guess not...oh what the hel, you could set it up tomorrow. Ill let you stay the night, you could take the couch, if that is fine with this fine billionaire?" 

He huffs, amused, "I guess its amendable, but I must place a form of complaint. I am staying with a family of royalty and no guest bedrooms with golden ornate doorknobs?! The audacity! You must fix this, at once, your royal highness." 

She looks at him for a moment before dissolving in a fit of laughter. Tony grins, snickering along and she leans into his side, subconsciously as she giggles. Her face scrunched up and pink spreading on the ample of her cheeks. Tony doesn't seem to look away but Loki doesn't notice his stares; consumed wholeheartedly by the joy she feels in that moment after a day of turmoil and strife. She sobers up at the thought of the day she had, her giggles trailing off and falling completely silent. She finally notices herself leaning into Tony's side and she straightens with a cough, looking away. She bites her lip and glances back over at him, "I haven't laughed like that since Jory decided to sleep as a snake in the pizza box." 

Tony chuckles, "That must have been a sight." 

"It was. It gave poor Peter a fright in the morn." She smiles fondly and then sighs, knowing she must not procrastinate any longer for the night is already just begun. "Honestly, I have yet to know where to begin." 

"Start from the beginning." Tony shrugs. 

"Oh so 1000 years ago? That is quite a long story, my dear." 

His eyes widen and he shakes his head, "We would need more alcohol and much more time for that.."

"Yes indeed." She huffs, takes a swig of her tea as if it would give her confidence. "let me begin with Sleipnir. He is my eldest and the beginning of the end of my childhood, if I am honest." 

"How old were you?" Tony asks. 

Her shoulders sag and her heart aches, "younger than he is now, fifteen, fourteen in the equivalence of the human years. However, our minds age quicker and we are..are not equivalent in the immaturity that midgardians are at that age." 

She doesn't look at his reaction but she can hear his inhale of his breath and feel his body stiffening at her side. "how much of the myths do you know?" 

"all of it, to be honest. I did research and Loki....I hope some of it wasn't true..." 

She holds in a sob, she squeezes her eyes shut, "I did not lay with a horse and my lips were not sewn shut, even though I believe my father desired to do so...uhm well, all the myths hold some truth but not all. but not all." 

~~~~~~~~~~

Sleipnir 

Loki was young, bright eyed and yearned to make his father proud. But he was also naive and love struck. The day the wall was being built and news of the deal was spreading like wildflowers throughout the castle; Freya was not impressed and she spent most of the days venting to Loki about the horror it would entail if she had to marry that beast, that frost giant. if he finished the tower. The deal was simple, if Svadilfari built the wall before winter began , he may claim his prize. The prize he chose was to marry Freya. She complained and cried and vented all her anger at the idea of marrying such a "brute", a "monster", a "beast."

Loki must admit, he did not share the sentiment. Svadilfari did not look or seem to be a brute and Loki was besotted. He would never admit to it but the man held a place in Loki's heart even if Loki has not spoken to the frost giant himself. But he watched Svadilfari build the wall from afar and sometimes he would shape shift into a bird to watch closer up. The man was beautiful and he guiltily thought the blue of his skin was gorgeous, like the sky on a cold winters day. He had long white hair, like fresh snow that was always braided away from his face. Loki loved his big bright red eyes the most. It wasn't a red that looked evil or sinister, it was soft and warm like the fire of a kindling flame. He was strong yet kind, kind to the animals in the spring and the nature surrounding him. He worked hard, probably harder than anybody in Asgard and he was completely underestimated. Honestly if Loki didn't promise to distract the man, he would most likely finish the wall and be on his way with the most beautiful goddess in all of the nine realms right on his arm. 

So when Freya was at the end of her rope, she begged Loki to find a way to make sure Svadilfari would not be able to finish the wall. Loki was quick to say yes, he would say it was for his close friendship with Freya and that he does not like seeing her fearful and scared; but honestly, he said yes because a small spark of jealousy burned in his heart at the idea of seeing Freya in the arms of his beloved. And that if was able to even have a chance to speak to the Jotunn, Loki would take it, so he did. 

But Loki wouldn't lie to himself and say that he doesn't take joy and excitement to be that distraction. Even if it was for a little while that he got to bask in this wondrous man's company than so be it, but at least he cannot be judged by his peers for it. He is the only one willing to do anything for the goddess. To aid her like the benevolent friend he is. 

So that afternoon, about to be a fortnight before the deadline to finish the wall, Loki shape shifted into a woman. She stood in front of the mirror in the comforts of her bedchambers, awed by her appearance. She stares into the looking glass at a reflection that is his own yet not but feels right. Don't get her wrong, Loki loves his male appearance but...there is something utterly wonderful about being female. She is curvy yet still remains lean, with long ringlets of black hair that falls to to the bosoms of her chest. Much longer than Loki is used to but finds delight in it anyways. Her green eyes are dazzling with the longer black lashes framing them with her high cheekbones bringing her entire appearance together. She feels beautiful, rather than off and ugly. Being in the shade of Thor's greatness was always a hard feat, especially on Loki's self esteem. Woman didn't like his appearance, they thought him scary and the warrior's three joked that the woman were envious of Loki's womanly features. That always made him blush crimson and feel hatred for looking slim and pretty, rather than handsome and strong. But being in this female form, that comment makes her laugh. 

The aesir women will be envious of her, for she is truly a goddess in this form. 

Loki dresses in a green emerald dress with a golden corset and gold jewelry. She chooses to wear heeled boots to make her legs look long and alluring as well as putting on crimson lipstick to make her lips fuller. She takes one more look in the mirror with a smirk before she leaves her chambers and goes to meet Svadilfari at the wall. She is given many looks, looks left and right. Men are in awe of her beauty and women are green with envy. She never felt such power. 

She sees Svadilfari working hard as he always does on this fine afternoon. But a sudden burst of nerves hits her as she watches this man work. What if he denies her? Or finds her ugly? What if...what if he sees through her shape shifted appearance...? What if...

She shakes herself and conjures a basket filled with food. Loki takes a deep encouraging breath and walks towards the man that she longs for. He turns at the sound of her feet crunching against the grass and leaves. His eyes meet hers and she blushes as he stares in awestruck. She looks down, bats her eyelashes and looks up at him. "hello, sir." 

"good day, madam." He says in a gruff voice. 

She smiles and comes to his side, "I see you work everyday and I felt as though you deserve an ounce of kindness. I brought you a meal, would you join me?" 

He looks surprised by this and Loki supposes the aesir don't treat him with kindness ever and that this must come to be a nice change. She can't help but feel sad for him. He must long for some company. Svadilfari shakes his head, looking back at the wall and then longingly at the basket. "I shouldn't as much as I appreciate this kind gesture...I must finish.." 

"Oh I have no doubt that you will finish this fine wall, sir." She says as a pang of guilt touches her heart to lie to him. She pushes her hair behind her ear and says, "I do not believe one meal would be any trouble, everyone needs a break, you see." 

He looks lost but nods, somewhat dumbstruck, "I suppose you are right. But what is your name?" 

She pauses, "Lorna." 

That was the first day she ever used that name and loved it ever since. 

They move to a patch of grass, Loki lays down a blanket and begins to arrange the food as he kneels down beside her. She glances up at him and a part of her knows she is gone for him. They eat and talk lightly about the little things, finding they have much in common. They talk of their favorite books and Loki is gladdened to know he finds her magic utterly impressive and lovely. His mother knows the craft apparently and that he always wished he possessed the art. She falls a bit harder as their time together continues. She soon leaves him with a kiss on the cheek and a bashful smile on his lips. 

They see one another everyday. Loki brings him little treats she stole from the kitchens, that he enjoys immensely and Loki loves the look of joy at the taste of sweets on his tongue. He greets her with gifts much to her surprise, varying from a carving of a snake made of wood he created at night and wildflowers he tucks behind her ears. She slowly forgets her scheme and her plans and soon simply enjoys his company as she falls blissfully in love. Their moments together grow and it leads to them spending the night together under the stars in the privacy of the forest. He is nothing but a gentlemen and makes her feel utterly adored. She tells him she loves him and he replies with a kiss and an, "I love you, elskan mín." 

But of course it ends and in the worst possible way. It is the last day and the wall is in fact finished but he promises to her that he will end the deal for the only goddess he wants is her. Loki has never been happier. Freya was panicking and worrying and overall a mess but Loki simply takes her hands in his and says, "everything will be okay. You will not have to marry him." Freya was doubtful and worrisome but Loki simply let her vent for the time being as his thoughts turn to his moments with Svadilfari. 

So the day Svadilfari strolls into the great hall. Loki stands---as Loki with Thor, Freya, mother and obviously father as he sits on the throne--Loki can't help but smile at the man that has stolen her heart. He grins up at Odin and bows deeply, "Your highness, I have finished the wall." 

Odin simply nods, "I suppose that means you win your bride, Svadilfari." 

Svadilfari shakes his head, grinning. He looks at Freya, "You are lovely, a beautiful goddess, milady, however I must decline." 

Thor laughs and Freya gasps in shock, Loki simply cannot contain his smile and of course mother notices, she gave him an odd look that day as Odin frowns in confusion, "than what is it that you want?" 

"i have fallen for an aesir woman that lives on Asgard, your highness." 

"And who is this woman?" 

Loki bites his lip as his heart rate picks up, this was not.. not the plan. He can't! no...he was suppose to leave without asking for anything. no...this isn't what he wanted... 

"Her name is Lorna and I love her like the moon loves the stars." 

Thor laughs once again, his voice booming within the great hall with mirth but it simply breaks Loki's heart, "We do not know of a Lorna, mayhaps you were delirious working in the sun for so long." 

Svadilfari scowls and shakes his head, he steps forward, "No! This woman was real, I love her and she loves me...I wish to marry her..." 

Frigga then seems to figure everything out as she does and gives Loki a heartbroken look of utter pity as Odin states, "What does she look like? For this woman must have been a false, she does not exist." 

"Green eyes, black raven hair, tall and beautiful with fair skin." He says confidently and dumbly heart struck. 

That is when Odin stands up and growls at Loki, "It was a fake, a false, an impostor!" 

Thor laughs, "You don't mean to assume Loki would---" 

"But he has." 

"Oh Loki." Freya cries and mother looks on with heartbreak in her blue eyes. 

Loki's hands shake and he looks down, "I--" 

"Loki you didn't have to go through all that trouble for me!! When I said to distract the man I didn't mean like this!!" Freya cries out, grabbing onto Loki's arm. He pulls away as shame washes over him. 

"Wait.." Svadilfari says and Loki's head turns towards him, tears gathering in his eyes at the horror struck look the man he loves gives Loki. "You mean this man tricked me?! You---you cannot be Lorna." 

Loki races down the steps and takes Svadilfari's hands in his. "It was not... Svadilfari I fell for you, I may have lied but I do I love you, please forgive me." 

But Svadilfari pushes Loki off him with a look of pure disgust as Odin roars. 

Everything fell apart from there, Loki barely processed it all properly. It happened so fast, Thor was growling and roaring in anger at Svadilfari, brandishing his hammer to defend his brother's so called honor. Freya was crying and Frigga was holding Loki back from running towards Svadilfari as Odin calls for his arrest. Arrest for simply falling for the wrong person. Svadilfari was executed and before he died, Odin forced Loki to watch as guards hold him back. He died looking at Loki with hate in his flaming eyes instead of love.

Odin demanded that none that witnessed what happened that day speak of it, that it has not happened as Loki falls to his knees in complete heartbreak. When Loki walked numbly back to his room, pain piercing his heart and exhaustion clouding his mind, Freya asked him as she came up by his side, "Loki...Loki why did you do that? You did not have to do that for me...not like that..." 

He turned to her with pale eyes and monotonously said, "I did it because I wanted to." 

She asked with a frown, "so you...you did Love him." 

"yes." He pushed her off him and went to his room. 

Months passed and Loki spent the entire time in his rooms, never leaving. Frigga called from the door as did Thor, but he did not allow anyone entry. He ate when he was hungry but that was rare. He was broken and it hurt like hel. He couldn't move, he couldn't sleep, he felt horror and shame and hatred towards himself. And Odin, always Odin. That was the first time he hated his father so deeply. 

When he began to feel nauseous daily and his belly began to swell, Loki once again felt horror. He did call for his mother then and she held him in her arms as he sobbed. Frigga was fearful for Loki and the baby's life that she let him stay in his rooms for the remainder of his pregnancy. She pulled wards to keep him from Heimdal's eyes and she helped him through it all. She was the only one that mattered and that cared and protected him so. 

One day when his belly was huge and his heart hurt, he asked her with guilt in his heart, "Why are you doing this for me? Mother you should be ashamed, the father would be..." 

She took his head in her hands and said with utmost sincerity, "Loki, you fell in love. You made mistakes, we all do. I only wished you confided in me but this is all in the past. Take the time to grieve for the lover you lost and soon care and love this baby with all you have because that is all that matters. I love you, my son and I am here for you." 

She was in fact with him the entire time. Loki did have to shape shift to her female form when the time came and she held her mother's hand as she screamed and cried and birthed her baby into this world. And the moment she held the babe in her arms for the first time with wisps of white hair on his beautiful pale head that was tinged slightly blue, Loki felt such utter love and devotion. Loki gave her babe the first present Svadilfari gave Loki, the wooden snake and named him Sleipnir. Loki was able to keep Sleipnir for six months, she nursed him from her breast. Sang him to sleep and fell in love with his beautiful green eyes and soft smile. Loki felt joy for the first time since the last happy moments with Svadilfari when she held her baby in her arms. 

But nothing for Loki could ever last, not properly. Frigga and Loki knew that Loki couldn't stay in his room forever. Loki did have to face his father but they both knew that the shame and the wrath the baby would receive from Odin was not worth anything in the world. Loki was the one to suggest they shape shift the babe into an animal but Frigga was the one to suggest a horse to give to Odin and to keep in stables. Loki didn't very much like the plan but...it was Loki's only option. They managed to preform the spell but he came out with eight legs instead of four. He was a beautiful horse. With deep silver fur and bright doe eyes that lit up when he saw Loki. 

The plan worked and Sleipnir was fairly happy to run and play in the meadows and eat apples; Loki visited often and Odin was pleased with the second son for the first time in a very long time. And they were safe. They were safe. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"that was how the warriors three thought it would be funny if...if they told stories to the vikings on Midgard that I birthed a horse. Thor didn't find it funny but he had to admit...his little brother treated Sleipnir as if he nursed him. Which...I did." Loki wipes away a stray tear. She places her empty cup down and pulls out the wooden snake figure from her pocket of her hoodie. She runs her hand down the lines and a tear falls onto the snakes head. "I-and that was how I came to have my beautiful son..." 

She finally glances over to Tony and she is shocked to see his eyes rimmed red and sadness swirling within the amber orbs. He stutters, "I-I Loki..I am so sorry..." 

"What?" She asks, confused. 

"I am sorry that had happened to you...you didn't... that's horrible what they did to you..." 

She sobs then. Her eyes well up and her heart cracks. She brings a hand up to her lips as more sobs leave her. Tony's eyes grow wide and he leans forward, pulling her into a tight hug. He strokes her back and she cradles her hands in his shirt as she sobs. She has not cried about Him since the day Sleipnir was born but here she is. And it hurts. "no one..." 

"What Loki?" He asks, tightening his hold. 

She looks up at him, "No one has ever apologized or felt sorry for me when that happened. Not even..not even mother..." 

Tony gapes and he pulls her closer, she shuts her eyes, listening to his heart beat steadily in his chest. Tony says and she feels the rumble of his chest as he does, "I am sorry, so sorry..." 

"me too...." She pulls away and wipes her eyes. "My baby had to grow up as a horse for hel's sake....he stayed in that form until your earth's twelve....I feel horror and pain and disgust for that every single day." 

"You did what you had to, for him to survive." 

She laughs, bitterly, "Oh I know but it hurts...He still has issues every single day. He is struggling with typing his essay because of it. He doesn't have that coordination down and proper mobility of his hands yet. He grows non-verbal and incoherent because he didn't fucking speak for centuries...He was simply a horse... Tony I hate myself everyday because of that." 

"Oh god, Loki." He strokes her cheek, brushing away her tears. "I--I don't even know what to fucking say but all I know is that...that kid is the brightest kid I know. To be honest Peter is a close second but he is. He has a brilliant mind and can speak fairly elegantly for someone who lost all those years of lessons. He is amazing and bright because of you. Because...despite those years as a horse, he still had you. He still had you." 

She huffs out a wet laugh and thanks him profoundly. Her heart stuttering in her chest and without thinking, she leans forward and kisses his forehead, whispering against his skin, "Thank you, thank you Anthony Stark." 

He cups her hand and leans his forehead against hers, smiling, "You are welcome, Lorna Silver and thank you." 

~~~~~~~~~

"And it hurts like hell  
Yeah, it hurts like hell  
I don't want them to know the secrets  
I don't want them to know the way I loved you  
I don't think they'd understand it, no  
I don't think they would accept me, no

I loved, and I loved and I lost you." 

~Fluerie


	9. Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day is better than they all thought it would be like and how terribly odd it is how easily Tony Stark managed to find a place in their home and make it brighter and better than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry for the long wait, Shit happens, life happens. I got sick for two weeks and then got in a car accident. I am okay but I do have whiplash so letting myself heal has taken some time. But I hope you all are having a wonderful day and that you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> I am uncertain as to my feelings about it, I do love this chapter. It is beautiful and domestic and soft in a way that I think the Silvers and Tony deserve. But I don't know. I do have an outline for this story and how I want it to proceed. But its the chapter by chapter, it is the getting there that is taking time but I do hope you enjoy the journey with me regardless. 
> 
> Anyways, please let me know in the comments what your favourite part of this story is! It would make me happy to hear what you enjoyed the most. 
> 
> Happy Reading :)

"May these words be the first  
To find your ears.  
The world is brighter than the sun  
Now that you're here.  
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust  
To the overwhelming light surrounding us,  
I'll give you everything I have.  
I'll teach you everything I know.  
I promise I'll do better"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sniffles, moving away from Tony to stare blankly ahead, she rubs her nose and hunches forward. Tony has never seen Loki like this before, well he rarely has seen anyways break the way she has in a long time. Honestly, it makes him wish people would talk more about their shit. Yes, that sounds hypocritical especially from him. But he has been going to therapy more after the breakup with Pepper. He wonders if any therapist would be able to fucking help this family! Probably not But god they need it. 

He runs his hand down his face, scratching at his goatee before standing up. He lends a hand to Loki and she looks up at him with pale exhausted eyes. She bites her lip and takes his hand, he helps her up as she cradles her mug with her other hand. Once she is standing, he picks up the blankets left on disregarded on the step and leads her back inside. Warmth immediately envelopes him and he feels tension leave him, fuck he hates the cold. 

They move to the kitchen, Loki placing her mug numbly within the sink, Tony doing the same. He notices the time, blinking red on the microwave; 3:42. 

She gives him a look and rubs her forehead, "I--th--" 

Struggling for words, Tony simply smiles and says, "we will talk more another time, ok? Goodnight Loki." 

She nods, tension leaving her. She numbly leaves the kitchen and he watches her climb the steps wearily before stopping, looking over her shoulder and whispering, "Goodnight, Anthony." 

He can't help but smile. 

~~~~~~~

Tony woke up the next day with an aching neck and a heaviness in his head. He sits up from the leather couch, rubbing at his neck as he throws the fluffy colourful blankets off his form. He's uncomfortable in his jeans and in desperate need of coffee. Tony yawns, gets up from the couch and heads to the kitchen; there he finds Sleipnir hunched over the kitchen table with his head resting on his arms. He looks up at the sound of Tony enters and gives him a tired weary smile. 

Sleip looks exhausted and his eyes look dull. His hair is held back with a purple scrunchie and his glasses sit on his freckled nose. He wears a giant green hoodie that looks four sizes too big on him and grey sweatpants. He looks..comfortable but not good. 

"Hey kiddo, good morning." Tony says, moving to the coffee maker that's already brewing. 

"—mornin'." He mutters back. Tony gives him a small smile as he fills his coffee cup. After knowing what the kid went through.. he just feels sad. 

And not going to lie, has ten different inventions that could make school go easier for him and help when he's gone non-verbal. 

Tony takes his cup and sits down across from the kid, he takes a sip. "Okay, so I've got this idea for you."

Sleipnir straightens, quirking his brow behind his glasses. And thus his rambling begins, "I was up late, couldn't sleep and we have programs, keyboards, uhm holograms and many other creations that is in production at Stark Industries for the internship program. I know its been..." Sleipnir's eyebrows furrow together and his frown grows with each word, making Tony uneasy and his rambling further. "Anyways, you are brilliant, a genius and that is coming from me. I know you want to become a doctor and you want to further your education after graduation so I was thinking..I drew up the papers and everything, schedule, people to work with all last night for you and your mom to consider. But I'd like to have you at Stark Industries." 

Sleipnir's jaw clicks and he looks down at his hands curled on the table. He huffs, looking up at Tony with irritation written all over his face and frustration in his eyes. He shakes his head, "no." 

Tony frowns then, confused. He bites his lip, quirks his brow and touches his lip before pointing, "may I ask why?" 

Sleipnir's nose twitches and he shoves his hands in his sleeves of his hoodie. He pushes up his glasses and glares, "You can't ju-ust come here. And-and treat us all...all of us like--like charity...We have ma--ade it here without you, Mister St..ark. I do not need your pity and even worse...your charity." 

Tony's breath hitches and he feels bile in his throat that he desperately tries to swallow. He looks down at the table, running his hands through his hair, "I..I..Sleipnir, I am not" He pinches his nose and looks at the kid that looks like he wants to cry but his pride will not allow so. "I do not pity you, I do not throw this at you for charitable reasons. For--okay, kid, I get it. You are a god, a kid god and I am just a mortal that has power here. And I see that, Sleipnir--Stefan. I see that you are mature, far beyond your age with a mental capacity that surpasses many earth people--adult earth people. You are intelligent, a fucking genius, you know your shit. I understand that and I want to give you, that power right here, right now to make everything easier. To give you those opportunities that you deserve to get where you want here on Earth." 

Sleipnir's lower lip wobbles and he bites his lip to stop it. He sniffs. "Explain again what I will being doing at Stark Industries through this internship." 

Tony nods, quirking his lip up. He pulls out his phone, flickers on the hologram and says, "J, fire up the internship program and the written information." 

"Yes sir, here is all the information involving Stefan Silver in the Stark Industries Internship Program." 

~~~~~

Loki awakes to noise. Laughter, clanking of pans and dishes, children's voices and the pattering of feet. She smiles, rubbing her eyes, her kids must be awake. And in good spirits, shockingly enough after everything that occurred yesterday. Typically after a dark, difficult day involving the children's trauma, the kids are asleep late and barely functioning until later afternoon. They barely speak, barely smile and the day is filled with pajamas and comfort with movies lacking death scenes and any of the children's triggers. Varying from wolves to horses (sometimes) and water. When James came in and lived through these dim days of trauma shocked eyes and memories lurking in the shadows of their midgardian home; his triggers have joined the pile, making movie choices..shorter. No war, no gun shots and definitely no references to the 40s. 

The list is short but they managed enough. So far, the best movies to play on days like these are Mary Poppins, kiki's delivery service, Monsters Inc (sometimes the screams are too much for them), Winnie the Pooh and they tried Alice in wonderland once...well Hela did Not like that one because she thinks it resembles Hel too well... Which...makes Loki really defeated and pointlessly sad. 

But anyways, the sound of laughter and excitement is enough to beckon her out of bed. She rolls out of bed, brushing her hair with her hands as she looks at the clock. 10:10am. Later than usual. Loki's shoulders sink and she pushes at her aching forehead. Just the thought of yesterday and the conversation of the night before is painful. And humiliating, if she must admit. Opening to Tony Stark was not an easy feat and yet she cracked open and spilled the pain of her first love...so easily. She huffs, furrowing her brow. She can't let that happen again. 

She needs to...she needs to focus on her children. they are first and most important. 

Remembering and bringing up the past will only make things worse. 

'But you promised', a part of her argues, 'you know you liked talking to someone...'

She banished the thought. No. She can't. Sentiment is not needed. 

Loki smiles big and bright at her reflection in the mirror, it immediately falls at the sight of the bags under her eyes, the atrocities of her hair and the red of her bloodshot eyes. She huffs, placing a glamour over her unruly appearance is easy enough and when she looks back at her appearance she is appeased. A glamour is her version of makeup and it will always be better. 

She notices Narfi gone from his crib which most likely means either James, Peter or Sleipnir came in to take care of his needs. She appreciates it. Turning towards her closet, she opens it up and pulls out a black silk button up with flared sleeves and black high waist trousers that pair well with her golden belt. She gets dressed easily, putting on her usual rings and a gold snake chained necklace. She puts on some red lipstick and pulls on green pumps and goes over her lines in her head. ready for the day. 

~~~~~~~~

Sleipnir never honestly thought that Tony Stark being around his family was a good idea. They are all still struggling so much and every day is a different battle they all have to face. So, the idea of having this rich man that was an enemy of mother was not idealistic. Yet he oddly proved Sleipnir wrong. He was deeply offended and humiliated at the idea of Stark adding him onto his team of internship at his fortune 500 company just because he needs the help. His immediate thought was how dare this man step into his home and say he isn't capable of becoming a doctor on his own. 

But he shocked him. 

He was kind, respectful and understanding of Sleip's anger and humiliation. Sleip was honestly honoured to believe he is considered a genius by the midgardian's most respected and highly praised genius. But also weary, this man could be lying, telling Sleip everything Sleip wants to hear and just blowing smoke up his ass to only burn him in the end. 

Yet, reading the contract and guidelines and all the information he could possibly need regarding the internship, Sleip grew more and more intrigued. It helped that JARVIS answered any question he possibly had in his swirling brain and Tony answering right alongside him. Giving him information above and beyond what he thought he needed to know. 

They were reading the last page, when Peter came downstairs carrying Narfi with Jory around his neck in snake form; Fen following behind. Sleip automatically stood and helped his younger adopted brother. He took Narfi from his arms and Peter gave him a grateful smile. He placed Narfi in his high chair, conjuring a teddy bear for the babe to play with. Tony stood as well, saying his good mornings and helping Fen into a seat; the kid oddly allowing it without much fuss. 

When James first moved in, Fen wouldn't dare let James pick him up or help; he would growl and fuss and cry when he did. Finally after one day, Fen got caught in the fence wire in his wolf form(mother would always tell Fen not to go near the fence but of course the little wolf wouldn't listen) with only James home. Hela came running inside apparently, crying with Jory wrapped around her hand. James went out and helped him delicately and softly out of the wire, Fen automatically shape shifted and crawled into James' arms; crying his eyes out and holding on for dear life. Sleip, mother, and Narfi came home from the store to the sight of Fen sleeping against James' chest. 

James probably will be slightly jealous of how fast Tony managed to gain Fen's trust but oh well. 

Sleip automatically began making waffles as peter created Narfi's formula. And as he waited for the waffles to cook in the maker, he watched Tony with Fen. Tony put away his phone, the hologram disappearing into his pocket and out of sight; he then sat on the table next to Fen and gave the boy a toy. He gave Fen a spider-man plush toy and the boy looked at it hesitantly before reaching up with his small hands and hugging it to his chest. 

Sleip smiled, nudging Peter's shoulder. Peter grunted but turned, his eyes wide at the sight of Fen hugging the spider man toy. Peter bit his lip--probably from keeping himself from squeaking. His eyes misted over as Jory's interest was piqued and he slithered his way off Peter's shoulders. and into his kid form. He stood up and Tony lifted him into his lap, Tony showed him the toy he brought for Jory. 

Jory's eyes widen big and innocent at the sight of the reindeer teddy bear. He turns his head and Sleip has to hide a snicker behind his hand. His bottom lip protrudes and he says, "I don' know wha' that is." 

"oh!" Tony laughs, bringing it up to his face, Jory staring big eyed at Tony. "This is a reindeer, I called your mom a reindeer when we first met." 

Peter giggles and Sleip smirks as he flips the waffle. Jory brings the reindeer up close, and presses the nose of the reindeer against his. It honestly melts his heart and he can guess it is for everyone else as well. But Fen interrupts the adorable moment by shouting, "Mama doesn't look like a reindeer!" 

Sleip barks out a laugh because right in the doorway is mother. She frowns in confusion but within her green emerald eyes she holds fondness. Tony laughs, ruffling Fen's hair as he looks at mother, "She does when she has her helmet on." 

Mother rolls her eyes as she walks in, going straight for Narfi. Their youngest brother smiles, big and wide at mother and holds his arms out. Mother breaks out in a grin, lifting her baby into her arms and kissing his soft hair. Fen frowns but Jory contributes, "no. Reindeer is wrong, mama look more like goat." 

Everyone laughs at that, mother pouts but she can't help the quiver that turns into a smile. She coughs, bending down towards Jory and booping his nose and then the reindeer, "you are my little goat." 

Jory giggles but shakes his head as he wraps the teddy bear to his chest, "I snake, mama!" 

"Oh yes you are." She kisses his forehead and he giggles. Sleip does notice the lingering look the two adults share. Sleip rolls his eyes turning back towards the waffles. Sleip hip bumps Peter and Peter smiles, they both share a look. They both feel happy and light, carefree. And they both know deep down it is because of Tony. Mother comes up to them and Peter hands her the formula, she thanks him and then cradles Narfi to eat as she bounces around the kitchen. 

"Good morning, my boys." She says, greeting them finally. She leans in and kisses his cheek and then Peter's. 

"Morning." Sleip says, as he pulls out the perfectly cooked waffle from the maker and onto a plate. Peter begins making eggs and mother moves away, joining the rest of them at the table, she asks as she takes a seat next to Fen. "Where's James and Hela?" 

"They are both still sleeping." Peter answers as he whisks the eggs. 

Sleip nods, "Probably will still be asleep for a while, Hela crawled into bed with James. She had a nightmare." 

Tony and Loki share a worried glance and she asks softly, "what time?" 

"I heard her at----" He glanced at Peter, he shrugged, muttering, "two-two thirty."

Sleip looked back at mom and shrugged with a sad sigh, "She got out of bed, Peter and I heard her. I think she went to look for you first but James heard her too, and brought her to his room." He turned back to the food and continued cooking, the mood now somber with the overtone of the two twins talking and playing with their teddy bears. At least they are in good spirit. 

Sleipnir knows his mom, he knows that his mom is probably stewing in her thoughts. Angry at herself for not being their for Hela. They have had this talk often enough, its old worries however they still persist and mother's insecurities rear its head when this happens. Sleip says its okay that she relies on others now, there are more than just her to take care of them all. But mother feels as though, since she has already missed so much of their lives already and that pretty much all of the mischief children have abandonment issues, that she should be there for everything now. Every little thing and that she should have done more. More for them. But they know better. They do remember--well, Sleip remembers what happened last time Loki went for a rescue mission. 

Sleip shudders, blocking that thought from his head. He can't think about that time. Not now. Not when yesterday is such a fresh wound and..Norns how he hates when he looses control of himself. Incapable of standing on his two legs instead of eight and incapable of speech. Yes, he spent a lot of his childhood as a horse, of course that is going to cause some physical problems but he still hates it. Despises it more than anything. He is the eldest, he should be the most in control, the most capable and the strong one so that everyone can lean on him. 

He sighs, shaking himself and pulling out plates from above his head. He gets Peter to make up the table as Mother finishes feeding Narfi; Tony fixes up everyone a drink. The two twins demanding orange juice, Peter shyly wanting some as well. Everyone else either takes coffee, including Sleip, or drinking water, tea or milk. He plates everyone up, and cuts the waffles into smaller pieces for Jory and Fen. They all take their seats and dig into the meal, Narfi sitting back in his high chair. Tony then pulls out another teddy bear, this one a build a bear that is covered in the iron man logo. Loki shakes her head with a snicker and peter yells out, "Yo that is so cool!" 

Peter seeming more excited about the bear than Narfi; who took the bear in his tiny hands and smushed the bear against his face. Fen and jory hold their teddy bears on their lap as they messily eat their waffles with eggs. 

Now seems like a good time to tell mother about the internship. He swallows his mouthful of waffles and says with a shy smile, "Tony offered me an internship at Stark Industries, mother." 

"Yes! We can work together now!" Peter shouts and Sleip laughs, nodding. They fist bump as Tony brightens in excitement. His amber eyes glittering with fondness. 

She looks up from her plate, her eyebrows raised in confusion. She shoots tony a curious glance and he shrugs, still eating, he says, "He's a smart kid." 

"No!" Jory shouts, pushing tony's mouth closed, "eat with mouth closed." 

Everyone laughs as Tony turns scarlet. Sleip shakes his head fondly before continuing to explain to mother, "We were looking over the internship this morning. It seems pretty great."

Tony beams but mother looks on with wariness, "My love, are you certain this is a good idea?" 

"I don't really see the harm." Tony mutters and she glares at him, making him shut up. She gives a pointed look her eldest and he sighs, sitting straighter. 

"I got mad at first..." he glanced at Tony, pushing his glasses up his face before looking back at his mother, "I was irritated and didn't want his charity and pity. But...it's okay. Mister Stark shared his insight and belief in me...and my intelligence. And I want to join."

Mother looks down at her plate, huffs out a sigh. She looks back up and gives them both a glare, "we are going over this internship later and we will discuss it further."

Peter nudges mother's shoulder and gives her a look. She rolls her eyes and says, "thank you Stark for turning my two eldest sons into your minions."

"It was my pleasure, your majesty." He winks.

~~~~~~~~

"I will always hold you close,  
But I will learn to let you go.  
I promise I'll do better.  
I will soften every edge,  
I'll hold the world to its best,  
And I'll do better."

~Sleeping at Last


	10. monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last chapter was light, this chapter is darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi lovelies, here is another chapter hope you enjoy and please let me know your thoughts and feelings. Much appreciated!!   
((kinda trigger warning; there is suicidal themes in this. A lot of depression on James parts and he is willing to die than deal with this guilt.))

"If I told you what I was,  
Would you turn your back on me?  
And if I seem dangerous,  
Would you be scared?  
I get the feeling just because,  
Everything I touch isn't dark enough  
If this problem lies in me

I'm only a man with a chamber who's got me,  
I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me.  
A monster, a monster,  
I've turned into a monster,  
A monster, a monster,  
And it keeps getting stronger."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever since last night, his mind woke up memories of long past that he didn't even remember up until this moment. And it's fucked. James sat on his window sill for hours, upon hours, up until Hela came crying and desperate need for someone to sing her to sleep. He cradled her in his arms and sang 'you are my sunshine' until she dozed off. He didn't of course, no he stayed awake for most of the night. Staring at the ceiling and re-watching the horror of his memories over and over again. 

The motorbike beneath him and the fast speed he was going that made the wind blow about his long hair and bite at the visible skin showing on his fairly covered up body and face. He remembers crashing that car and...the look on the two passengers faces at the sight of him. He can feel how impassive he is to the deaths even as a part of him inside is screaming that 'this is wrong'. He can...he can see the light leaving Howard Stark's eyes as he killed him. And the sound of Maria Stark choking as he—-

He clenches his fists, his breathing quickening and his eyes burning with unshed tears as he manages to keep a sob from leaving his throat. 

Guilt gnaws at his stomach, making him nauseous and incapable of sleep. His head buzzing and his heart rate picking up at the idea of facing Tony Stark tomorrow. 

He knows that Loki let him stay the night and that he will probably spend most of the day with them. But how...how is he going to talk to him without breaking. 

He...killed Tony Stark's parents. 

He viciously killed Maria and Howard Stark and left a teenager orphaned and alone. Without any idea of the truth. 

And Tony has been so kind and respectful and fucking amazing for this family and to him. He has been kind and respectful and a fucking godsend to his parent's murderer. Fuck. 

James desperately wants to talk to Loki about it. Try to figure out how to tell Tony. He has to tell Tony. It's out of the question to keep it from him. There's no possible way he could keep it from him. 

Tony deserves the truth and James will give it to him, even if Tony kills him for it.

He wouldn't blame the man, actually he would let Tony kill him. He deserves it. After all that he has done. After the decades of horror and pain he has unleashed on innocents. He doesn't deserve to live.

James squeezes Hela against his chest, kissing her curls. He loves this family and the second chance they gave him. He has been loved and cared for, for the first time in decades. He will cherish it forever. 

He owes everything to Loki. Everything. And he will never ever take it for granted. He didn't deserve this chance she gave him, he doesn't. And if Tony decides to take his revenge, he will allow it but make sure he doesn't do anything to hurt this family. That he will be there for them when they need it. 

James nods, determined. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. 

He finally fell into a fitful sleep around four in the morning and stayed asleep until late in the afternoon. A line of light from the part in his curtains of his window shine into his closed eyes, making them flutter and awaken from the restless slumber of unconsciousness. He wakes up with a weight on his chest that isn't hela. Hela sleeps in the crook of his arm, quietly snoring. He looks down at her little face, taking in everything he could. Her hair is a mess of curls that cover her translucent face and her eyes are rimmed red with tear tracks laying on the ample of her cheek. 

She wouldn't tell him what her dream was about, it was probably something to do with Helheim. Ever since he moved in, he realized how much of a crushing weight that realm has placed on such a young girl. She has a maturity in the twinkle of her mismatched eyes that is haunting. She is smart, way to smart and knows things no kid should ever know. But she still has that childlike innocence, that bright light of love that is almost blinding. But once you get used to that light shining upon you, you enjoy the warmth and the happiness only the sun could ever give   
you. 

He kisses her curls, holding her tighter. She murmurs against his chest, her hand tightening into a fist upon his shirt. He smiles, leaning his head back. He should wake her up, get her dressed and brush her curls and...face it. 

"come on Barnes, man up. You've faced worse." He murmurs to himself, accidentally awakening Hela. She grumbles, rubbing her face against his chest before lifting her head. She glares at him through her curls, her lip in a cute little pout. He chuckles, brushing her hair away from her face with his metal hand. "Morning sunshine." 

"mornin' Bucky..." She whispers, he smiles. They try not to call him that name, knowing it can trigger him or make him feel like he isn't suppose to be who he is today, but the man back in the forties. With that dazzling smile, charming woman off their feet and protecting Stevie with all his got. He isn't that man, that man that loved his family and tried his best to make them proud. He loved his mother and spending time with her as she sang in the kitchen. Watching out for Becca and annoying her whenever he could. 'Bucky!' she would growl in her screechy adolescent voice. He would sit with his father in the den as he told stories that held wisdom he would hold onto with years into the war. 

He isn't that man anymore. But he is at the same time. He is a fucked up version but Bucky all the same. Just for a different family and for a different Steve. 

"Let's brush out these curls, huh? We can't have birds making it into a nest!!" He tickles her stomach and she squeals, "No!!No birds in my hair!!" 

~~~~~~~~~

When James and Hela come downstairs that afternoon, her daughter carried in her fake husbands arms, her heart aches. They look horrible. Hela's eyes are red and she's paler than usual. Basically translucent. She holds onto James hoodie with dear life and she doesn't flash any of her family a smile.

James on the other hand...he looks broken. Guilt written all over his face and a set of determination in the storm of his eyes. She frowns. He's bad after a bad day, he always is, but this? This looks different. His shoulders are tense and he's pale. Basically a ghost. Dark smudges under his eyes and his jaw clenching tight. 

Loki stands, brushing her clothes down. Jory looks up at her and says, "mommy it's your turn!"

Loki looks down. Oh, oh they were playing monopoly. Her, Jory, Fen. While Tony and the two teenagers enraptured by the genius that is Tony Stark, watch as he teaches them how to set up the new security system he created. Narfi was watching Disney on the TV, babbling and eyes bright at the screen. It was a peaceful morning but now it is time to take care of her baby and James Buchanan Barnes. She brushes Jory's hair away from his forehead and says, "Play my turn, dear heart." 

"okay!" He exclaims in excitement. Fen grumbles at the unfairness but continues to play regardless. Give the kid ten minutes at most before he gets restless and chooses to cheat or create mischief that irritates Jory to no end. Ten minutes that is all it will take. But she will take those ten minutes of relative quiet and help with James' worries that are no doubt swirling his mind. She walks over to them and he hands over Hela into her loving arms. Hela curls into her neck, her breath tickling her neck; Loki kisses her hair and brings them both into the kitchen. She opens the fridge and hands James the leftovers from this mornings set aside for the two of them. James takes it with a nod of thanks as he moves to the microwave to warm it up. She takes a seat, Hela pushes her head into Loki's chest and grabs onto her silk shirt. She smiles, "oh Hela baby, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you." 

She murmurs, incoherently but James answers for her, "It is okay, Loki. She's okay." 

Loki nods with a grimace, she catches James eyes. Her frown furthers, he looks moments away from breaking. He clenches his fists rhythmically at his side, his adam's apple bobbing as he furrows his brow. "Loki.." 

Her heart drops as James jumps, startled from the sound of the microwave beeping. He shakes his head, turning towards the machine with blank eyes as he brings over the food. He puts it in front of Hela and she finally turns away to guzzle the food down her throat. James takes a seat, putting his head into his hands. Okay...one crisis at a time. Hela first. 

"Baby, do you want to talk about your dream?" 

She stops eating, freezing up. She turns towards her mother with frightened eyes, she shakes her head no and then turns back to the food. Loki looks over at James and he shakes his head. She didn't seem to have told James either. Sighing, she leans forward to hug her baby as she eats. She's colder than usual, a family trait sadly but she should be wearing a hoodie. Or something warmer. Loki snaps her fingers and Hela is dressed in a red hoodie that is overwhelmingly too big on her tiny frame but warm. She hums her thanks and quickly finishes eating. 

"James, you going to eat?" She asks. 

He shakes his head. Loki nods, feeling grim. She stands up, setting Hela down onto her feet. The girl sighs, looking at Loki with big eyes. Loki pulls her into a final hug and then urges her to go play with her siblings. Once Hela is gone, Loki puts her dishes in the sink and turns towards James. "What's going on in that head, Jamie?" 

His lip quivers and his eyes water but he gulps and the feeling of tears leaves him. He bites his lip, "Loki, fuck..uhm I got some memories back." 

"Oh?" She asks, moving towards him. She sits and takes his hand in hers, she doesn't remark on how his fingers shake. 

"I-Loki...I have to tell Tony..Stark..that I---Anyways he won't react well and he honestly should kill me." Loki hardens, as James looks at her with eyes of determination and self fucking sacrifice. Grief, guilt and hate are written all over his face and she shakes her head. 

"You should let me decide whether or not I should apparently kill you." 

They both turn towards tony Stark, who stands in the doorway of the kitchen. His hands are in fists and he narrows his eyes at James. James shrinks into himself. Loki, confused turns back towards James. Tony comes forward, "Why the fuck would I kill you? Now? Of all time? Why?" 

James looks up and nods his head in determination. He sets his shoulders, "December 16th, 1991." 

Tony hardens in place as Loki looks on in complete confusion. She stands up, "what is going on?" 

Stark crashes over her question as he steps forward, James stands as well. He asks, "Why are you bringing up that day?" 

James breaths out, looks Tony dead in the eye and says, "Your father recreated the super soldier serum, he was driving with Maria Stark, the serum in their trunk when Hydra sent the winter soldier." 

"No." Tony whimpers. 

Tears fall silently down James' cheeks. He says, mechanically, "I was sent to eliminate Howard and Maria Stark and retrieve the serum." 

Tony's hand shake as he grips James' shirt, Loki watches on silently, her back stiffening and her breath quickening. 

"You are lying...no they died in a car crash because Howard was drunk...No. You are lying"

James falls forward onto his knees, shaking violently as tears stream down his face. Tony still holding onto his shirt, James grips his wrists and says, "I'm so sorry, I am so fucking sorry... I remembered just last night and I--fuck, Tony kill me. Please for the love of god, kill me." 

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Can I clear my conscience,  
If I'm different from the rest,  
Do I have to run and hide?   
I never said that I want this,  
This burden came to me,  
And it's made it's home inside 

If I told you what I was,  
Would you turn your back on me?  
And if I seem dangerous,  
Would you be scared?  
I get the feeling just because,  
Everything I touch isn't dark enough  
If this problem lies in me...."

~Monster "Imagine Dragons"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay guys I am so sorry for the angst, its a lot I know. But I needed to address The wintersoldier killing Howard and Maria Stark and I feel like James wouldn't keep that secret. To keep that from Tony? After all the nice shit he has done for James and the Silvers? Yeah no. He couldn't keep that a secret. He wouldn't even fight or run, I feel like James reached a spot in his life where he can't keep going on running from his haunted past, he is too exhausted to keep fighting. It seemed more in character than running away or fighting tony like he did in Civil War. Sorry also for the cliffhanger but it'll be okay I believe.


	11. darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, Tony finds out that Bucky killed his parents. This chapter, he tries to cope with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I am so sorry for taking so long to update. A lot of shit happened in my life and this chapter was really hard to write for me because my dad is struggling with his heath. The idea of loss and loosing such important people in my life was very scary and writing this chapter that is really dark and sad and filled with the loss of parents, it was really personal and hit me close to home. I finally was able to write this and I do hope you enjoy it. Warning, it is really dark and upsetting and filled with themes of grief. 
> 
> I hope you all really enjoyed your holidays and stayed warm this winter. I thank you all for continuing to be patient with me and my slow updates. I do hope you like what I wrote and feedback is always appreciated!!

"Here I am, alone again  
Can't get out of this hole I'm in  
It's like the walls are closin' in  
You can't help me, no one can  
I can feel these curtains closin'  
I go to open 'em  
But something pulls 'em closed again  
(Hello, darkness, my old friend)"

~~~~~~~~~

Everyone says that a stage of grief is anger but no one tells you what that anger feels like. He always felt like that the stage of anger is irrational and ridiculous, anger isn't going to help the situation at hand. Anger is not going to bring them back. That just isn't how death works. He always thought anger was a stupid emotion when it came to grief. And yet, he was angry during that first month when they died. However he was simply more angry at the fact that his father's alcoholism finally managed to kill him; dragging along his sweet yet distant mom with him to the end. He hated his father for that. He still hates him, for his neglect, his abuse and the long list of mental illnesses that came along with it. But at the end of the day, he was mostly in pain at the thought that he was an orphan and that he wasn't able to say goodbye. 

But right now. 

This anger burns through his entire body. He feels it buzz through his head and cloud his mind like the most heavy drug he could find. He is looking dead in the eye of the man who murdered his parents. The rage and the anger makes his hands shake and his breath quicken. His heart rate picking up dangerously as he feels the utter temptation to end this man's life. 

Yet, there is a moment of clearness. In those cloudy grey eyes of the murderer of his parents is a self loathing and self hatred that touches his foggy mind. Tears streak down James fucking Barnes face as he fucking accepts that Tony Stark is going to kill him and that He deserves death after what he has done. 

He staggers back, as if he has been shot. His hand comes to cradle his arc-reactor and he huffs out. He shakes his head and the last of the anger dissipates; leaving only pain and sadness in its wake. 

He looks up and catches Loki's eyes. She looks at him with relief and pain, the type of look people give him when they save their life. 

Tony shakes his head, shakily standing at full height. "I got to go." 

"Wait Tony--" Loki calls out after him as he staggers his way out of the kitchen and face to face with Peter. Peter looks at him with confusion and concern. Peter touches his shoulder and he flinches away. His eyes widen and his breathing quickens, fuck fuck fuck. Tony pushes past the kid that he loves like his own and leaves through the front doors. Closing the doors on the people that cared the most. 

~~~~~~~~

Loosing a parent. Loosing two at the same time. Fuck, it messes with you. Your mind races and you see flashes of what could have been. He saw pictures of his parents smiling at his wedding. His mom teaching Tony's daughter how to make spaghetti and his father telling his grandchildren about the days in the war. He saw his parents growing old together and being proud of the man they raised together. Those haunting flashes still have yet to disappear to this day in between the intrusive thoughts of what could have been...

He knows thinking about what could have been is not healthy and that it is just torture. But his subconscious seems to be incapable of letting it go. The questions fuck with his head as he does everything. Would Howard be proud of what he did with Stark Industries? He thinks while signing paperwork in his glass office in the sky. Would mother have been there sobbing when he returned from Afghanistan with an arc reactor in his chest? He thought that night, the first night he returned from three months of imprisonment and torture. Would they have been excited and amazed with the Iron Man Suit? He wondered while soaring through the night sky above Malibu. Would they feel just as betrayed as he did the day he found out that Obie wanted their son dead? He questioned bitterly as he lay paralyzed, slowly going into cardiac arrest. 

And the questions about the death swirl within his mind, making his head spin with rage and confusion. What did his mom think of when she took her last breath? What did Howard think of his old pal Bucky Barnes murdering him? Why did they leave him that day? Why wasn't he ever enough? Why couldn't they have talked to him about the super soldier serum? Why? Why did they have to die? 

He growls, shoving the palm of his hands against his eye sockets, shaking his head while ragged sobs left his dry lips. He gulps down a breath of air, pressing his hands against his chest above the arc reactor. He vaguely recalls, managing to make it back to his tower and into his lab almost an hour ago. He demanded that JARVIS lock it down and when he did, He fell to the ground and laid, staring at the ceiling as thoughts swirled painfully through his head. 

He shouldn't have left the way he did. A stab of self hatred bites at his heart, thinking of the look in peter's eyes as he flinched away. A flash of Loki's emerald eyes appears and he bites his lip hard enough to draw blood as he thinks of the look of relief on her face. She could have lost her fake husband because of him, because of his ridiculous anger. He knows that James was tortured, is being tortured every day by his mind and yet he still fucking considered murdering him. God, the look on James face. He looked like he was okay with it, that he was thankful that someone was finally going to end it all for him. James never should think that, he shouldn't. He screams, pushing himself to a stand, pacing as he goes. Tears streak down his face and rage fills his heart; his fists clenching rhythmically. 

Without thinking he picks up a wrench and throws it against the wall, he picks up stray scrapes and throws them as loud screams and sobs leave his dry lips. He rips up pieces of paper littered about and throws his tools against bulletproof glass, he screams as he unleashes his wrath upon his lab. Uncaring about anything that comes into his path. He can distantly hear JARVIS talking to him, but he can't comprehend the voice over the sound of his heartbeat along with the satisfying sound of crashing objects. Hit bots beep in concern but otherwise keep their distance, Tony barely notices--tunnel vision and a foggy brain that reminds him of the darkness, the demons and the loneliness he lives. He feels a tiny pang of guilt for scaring his bots and the kid but that feeling is squashed by the satisfying crash of his equipment clattering to the floor. 

He picks up another wrench and throws it at the door to his lab as it just opens, revealing Steve. The man raises his brow at Tony and he hisses, turning away, clenching his fists against his workbench. He hangs his head, willing away his tears as Steve approaches, "Jarvis alerted me. He was concerned for you and I think that is a fair judgement considering the tantrum you are throwing." 

"Steve...If you..say another judgmental thing to me, I will throw another wrench at your head and will not miss." Tony growls, panting. 

Steve scoffs, "what is wrong, Tony?" 

He stands up tall, his back stiffening as he turns around, pointing a finger at the captain. "Your fucking friend, Bucky fucking Barnes is my problem Steve." 

Steve's face hardens, worry and fear for his friend in his blue eyes. Tony scoffs, "He is fine, he is fucking fine. But I am not, Steve. He...He killed my fucking parents..." 

"You didn't hurt---" Steve asks, his fists clenching with righteous fury at..Tony. Tony's face falls into confusion as Steve comes forward, gripping at his shirt, desperately demanding, "Tony I swear to god, tell me you didn't hurt him?!"

Anger swallows him whole as he pieces things together. Tony's lip twitches, his face falling, impassively. He looks into those icy blue eyes and doesn't see a hint of shock or sadness or...grief for his friend. He only sees guilt in the twitch of his lip and the overwhelming amount of desperate protection that is visible from the way his eyebrows furrow together and his eyes stay wide and glassy. He pushes Steve's hands away from him, taking five steps back, he says with a hollow voice, "You knew...." 

"I-Tony..." Steve whispers, biting his lip, "you didn't hurt him...please Tony you didn't...please..."

"You knew!? And you...didn't say anything???" He hisses, his voice quivering as his entire body shakes. Steve looks down with a tiny hint of guilt before looking up at him and says with a fuck ton of justification Tony has no time for, "You would have killed him...I was scared of your reaction..." 

"But I wouldn't do that Steve!" He screams, trying to make this fucking stubborn man understand. He huffs. God, is that what this man thinks of him? As nothing but a murderer? God..

His hands pull at his hair as Steve flinches back. Tony points a finger at his face, "you should know me fucking better than that, but you don't..." His voice breaks at the end and he hates himself for it as a tear drips down his cheek. He wipes it away, with a harsh flick of his wrist. He shakes his head, venom dripping on his lips as he bites out, "I didn't hurt a fucking single hair on his fucking head, Rogers." 

Steve sags, nodding. "You did the right thing Tony." 

"You were...friends with my dad...my mom..oh god.." Tony whispers,he runs a shaking hand down his face. He shakes his head, he looks at Steve and notices the harsh square of his shoulders and the bite of his jaw clenching as he looks at Tony with guarded eyes. He laughs, running a hand down his chin, he gestures at Steve,"I spent my entire childhood living in your shadow. My father spent more time searching for you than watching me grow up...and you repay their memory....like this?" 

"Tony it wasn't Bucky it was HYDRA." Steve says, barreling over Tony's words like a bulldozer. Tony pushes him away, the anger returning with vengeance. His eyes burn and his mouth is dry. He growls, "I know that, you asshole!! I saw that look in Bucky's eyes. I saw the look of self loathing and hatred for what he done. He showed more guilt than you ever have over my parents...He told me as soon as he figured it out..." 

"He didn't know?" Steve whispers, breathless. 

"No." Tony huffs, "He had a flashback and it triggered that memory, he told me as soon as he woke up. He wanted me to kill him, he wanted me to. I didn't."

"Why would he..." Steve says, heartbroken. His shoulders sagging in, his eyes looking like shattered ice. 

Without an ounce of sympathy,Tony rolls his eyes, he takes a deep breath, turning away. "please leave." 

Steve steps forward to touch Tony's shoulder and he jerks away. Tony turns towards Steve and looks at him with digust and hatred, and betrayal. "leave." 

So Steve does. 

Closing another door.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
He spends the day in a fog, going up to his penthouse and locking himself away in his tower without any human interactions. He sits on his balcony, drinking scotch and hating himself for it. He's been trying not to drink but fuck. 

He needs this. The burning of the liquor down his throat and the warmth in his stomach, taking this bitter cold within him and smothering it out with heat and numbness. He knows everyone is trying to contact him, JARVIS asked him several times to contact someone for him but he always declines. 

Tony knows that Pepper, Rhodey and Loki have called more than five times each. Each time he would deny the call with another sip of scotch. Natasha has tried to access this floor and he made JARVIS make that impossible for the spy, Steve hasn't contacted him thank fuck. But Banner has and Peter has tried to contact him through Happy. Even going as far as asking his AI Karen to try to get through. He's smart, Tony will give him that. 

But the only person that managed to climb his walls—-actually more like used magic to bypass security, walls, time and fucking space which he believes is cheating—is Loki. He went inside to get some more liquor, finding that he drank it all. He unsteadily made it to his bar only to find Loki sitting prim and proper on his decorative couch. 

He huffs, pouring himself a hefty amount of his good hard liquor into a crystal glass. He takes a sip and sighs, "I'm not drunk enough for this Loki."

"Well someone has to come and shake you out of this stupor. Like how you have done for me." She says, standing up and making her way over. He smirks, remembering when he stood right here and Loki right where she is now, all those years ago. She smirks at him, the same smirk when Loki presented as he and had the worst greasy hair cut to exist. 

"This gives me a lot of flashbacks, the only thing that would make this even better would be throwing me through that window." He points to the one that he got thrown out of and Loki looks at it with a sheepish smile. She rolls her eyes at him and huffs, pushing her hair behind her ear. "Well, id much prefer that drink now, instead of doing all the heavy lifting."

"Oh, would you now?" He says, finding himself smiling for the first time since he came stumbling up here. Tony pours her a glass and walks over to hand it to her. 

Looking at her up close, he notices how tired she looks. Her eye bags visible under the makeup she did. Don't get him wrong, she did great, professional really. But that exhaustion doesn't just disappear. Her hair is messier than usual and her eyes are slightly red. Her lips are pulled into a worried frown that she tries to wrestle into some semblance of smile. Good effort but not good enough. 

He mutters, looking down. "you had a hard day yesterday, you probably didn't need this on top of it..."

She shakes her head, taking a sip. Loki forces a smile, "it's all in a days work for the goddess Loki."

His lip twitches but the guilt hangs heavy. They make their way over to the couch. Tony looks down, thumbing at the rim of his glass. He whispers, "how's Peter? Your kids?"

"He's fine, worried about you, of course. Tried to hack JARVIS, failed but your AI didn't take it personally. The others are confused but mostly focusing inward....I told them that you weren't feeling good, they understand and actually they all, including Peter feel better knowing I am with you." she says, fond but tired. "My children adore you Tony."

He bites his lip, nodding. Feeling guilty and filled with self loathing. He whispers,"I-I shouldn't have left the way I did..."

"Maybe not. But what is done is done and ...I do not blame you for the way you reacted..." 

He runs his hand through his hair and sags, "but I am suppose to be strong for the kid, you know? And I pushed him away, fuck I probably made him feel like shit."

Loki chuckles, she sighs. "Anthony...we are human too, just as our children are. We cannot smother our emotions or they will boil over and cause more problems...." She looks over at him with her bright calming eyes and he feels like he can finally relax. She goes on, "once, I was balancing work, the anniversary of my mother's death, the kids and James was going on his fourth day as the soldier and I finally broke down crying over a spoon."

She giggles but he can't find himself to laugh. It is probably amusing to her now because it has been some time since it happened but he honestly never felt more understood in such a sad morbid way before. 

Loki sobers and says, "my son, Sleipnir, he forced me to go to bed and told me that it is okay that I deal with my emotions too. He took over the household, quite smoothly and I was able to take care of myself for a moment... it is okay for our children to see us when we are vulnerable, because they now don't see it as weakness but as strength..."

"Why would they—"

She hums, "our father figures have done a number on the both of us, haven't they?" 

He barks out a laugh then that slowly turns into a sob. He huffs, coughing. He holds his breath and gives her a watery smile. She smiles, touching his cheek and he leans into her touch. She looks at him, "they look at it as strength because if we can fight through the worst possible moments and come out okay in the end? How could that not be a strength?"

Tony nibbles at his bottom lip, a tear drops down his cheek as he processes her words. She swipes the tear away and pulls back. He hates that he wishes she didn't. 

"Why are you here, Loki?" He whispers, broken and hoarse. 

"To make sure you don't shut yourself out from everyone that cares about you...to make sure that you don't drink yourself to death and to make sure you have a friend..." she finishes with a sag of her shoulders. 

"Well thank fuck you are here because so far I've done all of those things with no friend in sight." He laughs, bitter and resentful. She hums, snapping her fingers his scotch turns to water and he glares at the glass. 

Loki raises a brow and he huffs, drinking it all and noticing that it helps the cotton taste in his mouth he despises. His mind slowly clearing the fog that found its way in. She pats his shoulder. "Now let's get you cleaned up before I go kick captain America's ass." 

"How did you—-" He frowns in confusion. Tony may be drunk but he doesn't recall telling her about him. 

She purses her lips, "he visited James again."

"At—?" His eyebrows rise, wide eyed. 

"Yes at my home." She grumbles. Loki's lip twitches and she knocks back the rest of her own drink before standing. 

Curiosity burning, he asks, "and?"

"Lets just say, you aren't the only one that needs a friend right now." 

~~~~~

"I'm so much like my father, you would think that I knew him  
I keep pacin' this room, Valium, then chase it with booze  
One little taste, it'll do  
Maybe I'll take it and snooze, then tear up the stage in a few  
(Hello, darkness, my old friend)"  
~Eminem


	12. even if it hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Tony leaves the Silver's home, everything falls into a chaos that is no where near fun. Everyone is struggling with their demons and things only get worse when Steve arrives at their doorstep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo so so sorry for such a long update. But I have made it up to you by giving you a 5000 word chapter. I hope you enjoy it, it is very emotional heavy so beware. There is a lot of hurt/comfort and a tiny bit of fluff between the siblings. It is really soft, i love. 
> 
> This chapter was soooo painful to write and i am still not entirely satisifyed with it but sometimes you just gotta move forward. Also writing fanfiction is really good therapy, no joke. I really kin with Sleipnir, right now within this chaos.

"You blink once then it's gone   
Don't let it take the skin from your bones  
It's darkest before the dawn   
but you don't need to do this alone  
Cause when you get this close you can feel the heat  
now you're so afraid of what is underneath"

~~~~~~~~

Sleipnir has never been more exhausted and slightly confused. It was a good morning. He got an internship, everything was working really well, Tony was becoming a really important figure in their family. He has won over everyone, including James. Sleip never thought James would be won over by Tony. Yet here we are. Sort of? Well, he believed everything was good and James and Tony were friends but now? He isn't so sure.

Tony just left. He ran off, pushed Peter away, flung the door open and was gone. It was confusing and he is already sick of the drama that has been constantly unfolding. adding this on top of things, made his shoulders sag and disappointment hitting him like a pound of bricks. But that is life, he supposes. Especially for the Silvers. 

They should be used to things spiraling out of control. Twisting and turning into a disaster because nothing seems to stay good for his family. Ever. And that includes James and Peter. They both seemed to be just as cursed as the rest of them. 

He looks at Peter, his chosen brother downtrodden and defeated. His shoulder's slumped forward as he picks at his nails, subconsciously. Peter's brown eyes swirl with emotion, disappointment evident in the downturn of his lips and the furrow in his eyebrows. Sleipnir closes his eyes, shaking his head and clenching his jaw, he attempts to steel himself. Pushing his frustration, disappointment and anger into a tiny box within his head so he can be responsible. The older brother to Peter. A kid that really needs some support. 

Closing the security system and locking it with a quick tap of his finger against the touch screen, he squares his shoulders and nods his head. After everything is secure, he steps towards his brother and embraces him in a hug. Peter goes willingly, laying his forehead against Sleip's shoulder's, his arms wrapping around his lithe frame. Sleip, places his chin on Peter's head, tightening his hold. "it'll be okay, brother. He will come around." 

Peter nods against him, his chin digging into Sleip's shoulder. Peter leaves his arms, wipes his nose against his sleeve, gives Sleip a tired weary smile and says, "I'll go check on the little ones." 

"And I will go check up on James and mother." They nod at one another and go off in different directions to complete their tasks. Sleip wasn't sure what he was expecting to see when he goes to see James and mother. But he definitely was not expecting this disaster. James lays comatose against the cupboards of the kitchen. His eyes hollow and glazed over yet red and filled with tears. His body is tense even when unresponsive, almost prepared for a fight and that thought in itself is exhausting. Sleip's shoulder's fall, his confidence wavering as he sees his mother. He thought maybe he would be able to pull the adults together so they can figure out what went wrong and if their home is compromised. 

But seeing his mother the way she is now? He hasn't seen this in a long time. She is holding James hand while sitting in a heap at his side. Her shoulder's drawn in and her eyes far off within her own mind. She holds a knife in her other hand, almost prepared for an attack to defend James. She looks scared, her body twitching. 

"mother..." His voice wavering, his hands unsteady as he reaches out towards his mother. But she slashes her knife and hisses, unseeing. His lip quivers as he steps back, anger bubbling up as frustrated tears fall from his eyes. He hisses out, "mother..." 

But she remains frozen, glaring at the floor and squeezing James hand. Squeezing his hands into fists he growls, "Mother, please...For Norn's sake, please snap out of it!!" 

She remains motionless. A sob bubbles out of him and he sinks to the floor. Leaning against the cupboards opposite, he cradles his head. running his hands through his hair, he bites his lip, not wanting to be any louder. In fear of scaring his siblings. He sobs, "fuck...And things were going so fucking well..."

Another crazed sob leaves his throat. Anger blisters under his skin. He is just a kid, fuck. He isn't suppose to be the only thing holding his family together. That's not...his..job. He shakes his head, it has been his job for a long time. Way longer than they have even been on Midgard. The anger and irritation and frustration just bubbles over. He feels like he is going to snap in half. The pressure, weighing heavily upon his skin. 

Wiping his nose, he huffs. Fuck. "Pull yourself together, Sleipnir Lokasson." 

He nods, determined. Hissing out a breath, he stands on unsteady feet. Feeling the phantom limps like an echo as he moves forward. His hands flicker green mist, his eyes darkening in color. He hisses out a chant, remembering his mother's calm words as he prepares the spell. This was taught to him for this reason, he has to succeed. Crouching down, he flicks his wrists and the inky green mist enters his mother's eyes, He hisses another incantation and the mist evaporates into golden sparks. His mother's eyes blink and flicker with recognition. 

She shakes her head, her lips slightly agape as she pants. She releases the blade from her death grip, the dagger clattering to the ground. She huffs, letting out a deep breath before looking up at her son. Sleipnir never felt more relief. Sagging, he falls into his mother's arms. A sob leaves his throat and she hums, "Oh my darling...I'm so sorry, love, I am..." 

He huffs,wiping his eyes as he falls away from her embrace. He shakes his head, looking up at her with wide glittering eyes, "You can't do this to me anymore, modir..." 

Her breath is shaky with the next exhale and she embraces her son, tightly. Kissing his white hair, she nods frantically. "I am so sorry. Never again. I'm so proud of you." 

His skin feeling tingly and oversensitive, he pushes away from her touch, standing. He wipes his face, "I need to...modir, what happened? Because we have to tell Peter something and I just....I can't do this without your help." 

"I know love," she stands. letting go of James hand. "James past came rearing its head and it is something we had to deal with. Anthony did not take it well and we were close to loosing James." 

"Tony almost killed him?" Sleip hisses, anger rearing its ugly head. 

"Sleipnir...James killed Tony's parents." 

Sleipnir presses his hands against his eyes, his head beginning to pound as the sensation of being so overwhelmed washes over his body, he can't. He can't do this anymore. "I can't...I can't handle this." 

He doesn't even look at his mom, staring blankly at the ground. He says gruff, "Take care of James, please.Peter is watching my siblings" 

Without allowing his mom to have time to respond, he leaves. Rushes out of the kitchen as if it was on fire. His jaw clenched and his hands tightened into fists, he feels a flicker of guilt. He shouldn't be taking this out on Loki, his mother. She tries so fucking hard to keep things from falling apart. It isn't her fault. But he can't help the sense of irrational frustration and anger. He wants to help and be there for his siblings and his mom but he just needs time. He curls into himself and races up the stares on unsteady legs. Feeling like his head is going to explode, his slams his bedroom door behind him and falls onto his bed. Pulling his pillow over his head, he cries.

~~~~~~~

Loki's heart aches and she feels the pressure of the world making movement sluggish and difficult, she feels like she wants to curl up on the floor and never move again. Ever. But she must keep going. She needs to be responsible for James and for her children. Then she can worry about Anthony. And take care of herself in the interm. She lifts her head,clenching her eyes and taking deep breaths, she reminds herself that she is strong enough to endure. She will endure. For her children, for James, for Anthony and herself. 

She moves towards him, stepping closer and crouching down onto her knees. She brushes his hair away from his far away face and kisses his forehead, whispering a charm of relaxation and peace upon his mind. She pulls away, at first when his dissociation episodes happen, she wasn't sure whether or not she could touch him or not. He told her it is fine for he trusts her explicitly but the children should stay away. Including Sleipnir and Peter despite them being older and enhanced. She helps him to his feet, he sways as he stands and she holds him steady, thankful for her otherworldly strength. A midgardian would fall under his weight. 

She guides him slowly, whispering words softly in his ear, words of encouragement, praise and hope for him to return to them. She guides him down to her spell room, passing the children as she goes. Thankful that her kids understand to stay away and to keep their voices low. Once they reach the room, she guides him to his couch he basically claimed. He sits, slumped into the cushions and she places warm fuzzy blankets upon his body. Enclosing him in warmth and safety within the confines of his favorite blankets. She opens the window, allowing the air to enter and lights scented candles. Knowing strong sensory will help bring him back to her. 

After she has done all she could, she collapses in a chair beside him and brings her knees up to her chest. She lays her head on her knees and shuts her eyes. Allowing herself a moment to heal. 

The threat against James life, as understanding as it was. Revenge is a strong sense of duty especially after someone you love has died viciously. On Asgard it is very important to the Aesir. They all understand the unstoppable desire, need, desperation to avenge their loved one. It is often allowed and not condemned when revenge is seen out and another dies. Loki...struggles. Struggles within herself. Because when her mother died and she was offered the chance at revenge, it was everything to her. It was more important than breathing to know that the one that has inflicted these horrors upon his mother must suffer tenfold for the act. 

However, since meeting James and understanding that their is more than just good or evil, black or white, through her own experience and his, it is difficult to maintain that understanding of revenge being a mandatory need for healing and mourning. Especially since it was James who was going to meet the executioner. He is basically the only father figure of her children's lives, he is her partner in all ways except romantic and the thought of her family experiencing another loss nearly broke her in half. Everyone has a family, whether it be kids, parents, or lovers to come back to. Knowing now as she does, that one day someone might take their vengeance upon her, stealing her away from her family...She couldn't imagine. And yet she understands the feeling. The conflict within her. 

Jerking back to reality from a soft hand on her shoulder, she nearly whimpers. She sits up and gives James a watery smile. He looks lost but coherent. His eyes rimmed red and filled with tears, his bottom lip twitching as his hands clench and relax rhythmically. She pulls him into a hug and he returns it tightly. Grasping at her shirt and pressing his nose to her neck. "Oh James..." 

"Loki...fuck how long?" He leaves her embrace, fist in his hair, he tries to regain the time he lost. 

"I don't know...I disassociated with you for a time... Sleipnir brought me back and I was able to bring you here to let you return slowly....I do not even know how long I sat here for..." 

"fuck..." He chuckles, bitterly, "we are a mess, Loki....Well I am the mess that caused this...It is all my..fault.." 

"Don't you dare." She hisses. 

He glares at her, "What? Am I wrong? You would not have had to deal with any of this if it were not for me. If it were not for the lives I have taken." 

She clenches her jaw, "Hydra! Hydra did this and you are a victim. You know this as I know this to be true, James Barnes. You are a good man!" 

"I don't even know who James Barnes is!!" He growls. 

Loki breathes out, frustrated now. She grabs his chin, hissing, "You are the father figure of my children. You are my friend, my partner. You have saved us as we have saved you. I made a mistake calling you James Barnes, no, you are James Silver. James Barnes is dead and that is okay!! Because James Silver is teaching my kids to be the best possible person they could be, you have given them love and support when even I was lacking, do not sell yourself short." 

He sobs. Loud and thick with pain. She presses her forehead to his and cradles his neck. He hisses between sobs, his eyes closing in agony. She holds him, whispering, "It is okay, cry, allow yourself to feel. it is okay, James. You are safe and are not defined by your past. You are alive because even Anthony, in the thick of his grief knew you were not to blame." 

He pulls away, shaking his head. He curls into himself. "He should have killed me." 

"James..." She breaths out, her heart pounding. He shakes his head in grief, "I wanted him to kill me. I did not deserve to live. He was a year older than sleipnir when he lost his parents and he should have taken his revenge." 

"James stop." 

"no. It is true." 

"For norn's sake, stop please...." She whispers, a soft plead. 

"I deserve to die." James growls with conviction.

"STOP!" She cries out, her voice breaking, "please stop, I cannot take it. Please." 

They are both silent for some time. Feeling the turmoil and the pain of the day consume them. Before, Loki stands up and whispers, "Hela would most likely would like to see you, she needs you after her nightmare. I will check on the others and get some water." 

He nods and Loki turns and leaves. 

~~~~~~~~

Peter goes into the living room where he finds Fen and Jory stopped playing monopoly, Hela and Narfi joining them on the couch and cuddled up together as the tv is turned up to a higher volume. They look so adorable yet so sad. Hela has Narfi on her lap with Jory leaning on her shoulder. Narfi seems to be napping, his little forehead wrinkled up in worry even in sleep. Hela stares at the television with misty eyes, stroking her hand through narfi's white locks. Fen is in his wolf form and lays his head in Jory's lap, his eyes closed but his ears perked up. They probably heard the fighting and saw Tony storm out without a glance in their direction. But he may even think they sensed something going on. 

The kids are extremely intuitive. Peter's shoulders hunch in and he comes to Fen's side, he sits down and Fen immediately crawls into his lap. Peter smiles softly, petting through his fur, the beautiful wolf rumbling in content. Hela looks over at Peter with haunted eyes, "Is Jamie ok?" 

Peter's brow furrows, confused because he was more worried about Mister Stark than anything, that he didn't even stop to think about James. But now that he thinks about it, maybe James isn't doing too well. "He will be, Helsy, he will be." He presses a kiss to her forehead, she smiles softly but her heart is not in it. 

Suddenly Sleip comes storming out of the room and up the stairs, his door slamming behind him. Jory flinches into himself and presses his face into Hela's shoulder. She looks at the TV grimly and thankfully Narfi didn't waken. Fen burrows his face into the blankets and Peter cannot help but cuddle the little kids closer to him. He worries about Sleip but he needs to focus on them right now. They need someone. And he is the only one able. 

They sit together, watching...he isn't even sure but it looks to be the tree house channel before Loki comes out of the kitchen as she guides a comatose James into the spell room. The room grows grim and they all curl closer together, demanding the love and support from one another silently through touch. Hela quietly cries and his heart breaks a little harder than it did with Mister Stark earlier. Jory takes his sisters hand as Fen sits up to lick at her cheeks. She ends up incapable of holding back a tiny smile and Peter basks in it. A small part of him wishing he grew up with a sibling but thankful that he has some now. 

Peter says, "It'll be okay, we have each other and James has your mama. It'll be okay..." 

Tbe kids take his words and slowly relax once again. Fen moving back to his lap and Hela cuddling Narfi into her chest and Jory into her side. He smiles softly, brushing back Jory's curls. The kids are so strong and so loving towards one another, it is beautiful. He is glad he is able to help but he knows silently, that the kids would take care of each other even in his absence. He is simply content that they don't have to. 

Peter takes the tv remote and puts on Emperor's new groove, hoping some comedy will help focus the children on the tv and not on their worrying thoughts.It works. They children taken with the llama and even Yzma. All of them giggling, while cuddled close together under a heap of blankets. They feel safe. Peter makes funny commentary and the kids eat it up, enjoying the way he makes fun of Kronk. Hela's giggle sounding like tiny bells ringing and Jory's a cute hiss. Narfi ends up waking as well and giggles at the screen too, his worries gone and the pretty colors hypnotizing him. He crawls onto Jory's lap and ends up poking Peter in the side everytime Peter giggles at the screen. "Narfi stop..." 

He giggles, shaking his head. This of course makes Jory and Hela giggle at one another. Narfi pokes his finger again into Peter's side and when he yelps. the room is filled with giggles and tiny barks from Fen. 

Soon, Loki emerges from the spell room, eye bags dark smudges under her eyes and a heaviness in her walk. But she looks uplifted when she sees her children curled up together smiling up at her from the couch. She comes forward and Narfi jumps into her arms, she grins. Taking him into her arms and kissing the side of his face. He touches her face with his tiny hands and gives her a warm smile. Peter only wishes for a camera, it would be a beautiful picture of the two. 

She looks ruffled, her once immaculate put together outfit looking uncomfortable and baggy on her. Remembering that she has work he asks, "Are you going to work?" 

Her lips thin and she looks at him with conflicted eyes. His eyes big, secretly pleading that she will stay. He doesn't know how he will be able to handle taking care of the lot alone, especially if Sleipnir is out of commission as well as James. She look to the floor, holding her baby tight to her chest as Hela comes forward to take her dangling hand. Loki smiles down at her, before leaning down and pressing a kiss on her cheek. "I won't go in, okay? My understudy will take the part...Despite how much she will revel in it, family comes first." 

Peter deflates in relief and she smiles, reading him easily. She places Narfi back in his arms and pushes off her shoes. She than just gives up and shape shifts into her male form, his clothes changing to sweatpants and a black hoodie. Hela and jory jumping in his lap and curling up with him. He gives them a warm smile and asks, "How are you all, my darlings?" 

"Emperor's new groove made everything better, modir." Jory says with a firm nod. Peter chuckles nodding as Loki looks at the paused TV of Yzma's crazed face. 

"Yeah!! It's very funny but...modir..." Hela agrees but soon grows shy, "Is Jamie ok?" 

"Why don't you go visit him. He would appreciate Hela cuddles." She grins nice and big and jumps off the couch and runs to the spell room. Loki chuckles and turns to Peter, "How about you? I am sorry that taking care of my little ones was placed all on you and I thank you so much for doing so." 

Peter ducks his head and scratches his neck, "it was nothing, I love you guys. You are my family and I like helping...I really do. But I may need to skip patrol tonight, I am really tired---oh and is Mister Stark ok?" 

Loki's body stiffens and he falls into himself. "Peter can I talk to you in the kitchen..Please.." 

Peter frowns, worry marring his forehead but he nods. Turning the movie back on as Loki places Narfi in Jory's lap, they stand. "We will be right back."

"Modir, can I have ssssome juice pleasssse?" Jory asks wide eyed with a big soft smile, Loki nods,brushing his hair away from his face. "Yes, love. Apple I take it?" 

He bobs his head as Narfi plays with the down blanket in Jory's lap. Loki agrees and turns to Fen, he looks up at his modir with big green eyes. "Do you need anything, my baby?" 

He shakes his head. 

Loki purses his lips, crouching down. "You aren't hungry?" 

And that is when his tummy rumbles nice and loud, making him sheepishly bark. Loki grins, "Food it is then. We will be back." 

They enter the kitchen and peter goes to the fridge, taking out the apple juice as Loki gets her sippy cup. Loki hands him the cup and he thanks him with a bow of his head, he fills the cup as Loki looks in the fridge for some leftovers. "What do you think you are gonna make?" 

"I'll make Fen leftover from last night and then we will figure out a proper dinner for everyone a little later." Loki replies, taking out the Tupperware container with steak and potatoes inside. Loki sighs, bending down and taking out a pan from the bottom cupboard. Peter twists the lid on and leans up against the fridge. 

"So what...what happened? I thought everything was going okay.... But then Mister Stark said he is going to get water from the kitchen and soon he storms out...flinching away from my touch.." Peter looks down at his feet, folding his arms against his chest as he plays with the cup. "I thought---"

"Peter love, please do not take this personally..It isn't your fault, what happened.." Loki brushes his hair away from his face as he places the pan on the stove. He turns towards Peter, looking at him with a grim expression that sends shivers done Peter's spine. "Yesterday triggered a memory for James. He remembered..." 

"Remembered?" 

Loki looks up, his green eyes intense and filled with pain. "He remembered killing Tony Stark's parents." 

"what." Peter's hand shake, the cup rattling in his hand. Loki steps forward, taking Peter into his arms. He couldn't imagine, fuck, he couldn't imagine. His parents died and...he couldn't think of being forced to face the murderer. But to realize he wasn't even at fault. Peter sobs, "I thought they were killed by drunk driving." 

"That's what HYDRA made the world believe." Loki rubs his back, holding him tight. "It'll be okay, Peter. They will be okay, just they need time to handle the memories." 

"I---Mister Stark...He shouldn't be alone during this, Loki." Peter pleads, his brown eyes wide as he pulls away from Loki's embrace. 

"He has friends to turn to." 

"He won't. He won't turn to them." Peter whispers. 

But before Loki can even reply, the doorbell rings. They both jump at the sound. both too consumed by emotions and so completely rattled. Loki schools himself, "I'll be right back." 

Peter nods and watches from the door to the hallway from the kitchen as Loki opens the door. Peter is watching on with misty eyes, staring at Loki's exhausted figure. His shoulder's hunched in, his hair messy and his face paler than usual. Wait..He..He is suppose to be Lorna... "Loki!" 

But it is too late to stop Loki from opening the door, his shout to late as the door is opened, revealing Steve Rogers. The captain's eyes widen, his eyes rimmed red and his hair sticking up. But when he recognizes Loki, he growls. Falling into a defensive stance and curling his hands into fists. "Loki." 

"fuck." Loki curses, stepping back and raising his hand to block a quick jab from the captain. Loki catches his arm and Peter hurries forward. Loki is thrown off balance from the hit, to the point he barely notices the kick about to hit his head. Peter catches the captains leg and Steve's eyes widen in shock, "Parker." 

"uhhhh Captain America..." Peter raises his leg and Steve falls onto his ass. Loki staggers up into a defensive pose and summons daggers. But Peter raises his hand to stop Loki from attacking. "Cap, its not what it looks like. Actually I don't know what this looks like but....Loki hes a good guy." 

"Son, he's a war criminal and is wanted on a global scale. Step aside." Cap growls as he jumps to a stand. 

"I can't let you do that...Please just listen to me!" 

Steve gives Peter a stern look and he holds his ground, staring up at the captain with pleading eyes. But the stare off ends when James come out with Hela in his arms. "Steve." 

"Bucky!!" Steve exclaims and pushes Peter aside, the boy falling to the ground. Loki growls, raising the dagger and cap hisses, "you can't stop me." 

"I am almost 2000 years old, I think I can." Loki snips. 

James steps in front of Loki before Steve can retaliate. "Steve what are you doing here? How did you find us?" 

"Us?" That is when Steve notices Hela, her eyes squinting at the captain and holding on tight to James arm. She pouts, "leave. You hurt Peter, you are not welcome here." 

Steve blinks, confused before he looks over at Peter who is crawling to a stand. Peter glares and Steve's eyes flash with guilt before he turns back towards Bucky. "I went to the tattoo shop, asked that Jay girl for your address. Said it was an emergency." 

Bucky huffs, shaking his head. He looks at Steve. "You need to leave." 

They stare at one another for a long time. And Peter watches on in confusion. Steve searches James eyes and when his eyes narrow, defensively towards Loki, he says, "Loki is manipulating you! He is using you, Bucky!! I know what he could do, he will hurt you." 

"You don't know what you are talking about." James says, monotone. "This is my family." 

"The family..you were talking about..." 

"yes, steve. Loki can shapeshift, she is my wife and I help take care of her kids in exchange for help." James explains, Hela leans into the hug. "They mean more than anything to me." 

"You---you, no..That doesn't make any sense..Loki, he must be manipulating you.oh! You are still...brainwashed, fuck. Is Loki working for HYDRA? that makes the most sense. I--the kids don't make much sense, neither does Spider-man but--" 

"For fuck's sake, Steve!" Bucky explodes, his body shaking. He turns away, handing Hela to Loki. He takes her and she cradles her head into his neck. he looks back at Steve with wide eyes, his grey eyes pained and exhausted. He gestures to them with his metal arm, pleading with Steve just to understand. "They took me in. they have been by my side ever fucking since. Loki and HER children are what is keeping me from ending it all." 

"no...Bucky don't say things like that..." Steve growls, shaking his head. "You are alive for a reason and it is not because of them, its because of me...To the end of the---" 

"Don't. Don't you dare. You illegally come into my home, telling my apprentice to give you private information for a false emergency...You attack my son and Loki both. You accuse Loki--Loki, the only one in the fucking world that understands what I am going through...You accuse him of manipulating and brainwashing me. When he really just wants to take care of his kids. They keep me going and without them...Fuck I don't know what i'd do..." His eyes water and Peter wants to run over and hug him tightly. Watching him break the way he is now. James lifts his eyes to Steve and sobs out, "Steve, how am I suppose to fucking cope?! Do you expect me to be your good ole pal Bucky Barnes again after seventy fucking years of torture and abuse and violence...brainwashing and..mind control...and---" 

"Steve, you should leave." Peter says, standing tall and moving in front of Bucky, he can't keep watching him fall apart like this. He touches his arm, grounding him from drowning within the constant endless tide of horrifying memories. 

"Son, you shouldn't involve yourself. This isn't something you would understand." Steve says, patronizing him. 

Peter scoffs, "Steve you are making things worse. James has had a hard day already and you aren't making it any better. If you want to fix things, if you want to keep your friendship with James than you should leave." 

Loki takes James arm and comes in front of him, cradling his face. "Stay with us, James..." 

Hela reaches forward, pressing her hand to his cheek. "Stay, Jamie, we with you..." 

Steve watches on, shaking and feeling broken inside. A jealous yearning aching in his chest. Steve shakes his head, looking back at Peter,"That makes no sense." 

"It does. You just are to blind to see it." Peter lowers his voice, stepping closer to Steve. "He is very close to a panic attack and he may disassociate. So please leave. He will call you." 

Steve looks over the kid's shoulder and his eyes widen. Bucky looks so close to falling apart, all Steve wants to do is gather him within his arms and hold him together. But...looking into his frightened blue eyes that fidget away from his glance, the way his breathing remains shallow and his eyebrows drawn together tight. His body hunched over within himself and getting smaller and smaller with every second Steve stays within his presence, Steve grows sick to his stomach. He is making his friend act like that. 

Steve's breathing quicken and he bites his lip. Worrying his jaw, he nods and turns to leave.

~~~~~~~~~

"Even if it hurts,   
even if it makes me bleed  
I'm gonna carry you, pushing through  
with the dirt on my sleeves   
even if it hurts,   
even if it is razor deep   
I'm not giving up,  
Not gonna run, I'll be there when you need me...  
Even if it hurts..."   
~Sam Tinnesz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I am really giving Steve a hard time and I am sorry for it. This is till Stucky it just will take a while. But we will get there! I promise. I just felt like we needed to address some of the pain Steve has been causing. Steve is an ass but having this shit thrown at him will give him a reality check. He will be redeemed moreso than the MCU could ever.
> 
> But anyways, til next time. Hopefully, I will not take as long writing the next chapter but! I already started the chapter and I know where it is going so hopefully soon. 
> 
> Once again i thank you for reading and supporting my work!!


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